Page 5 | To not want to look after my daughter any more

Goaheadflameme · 2025-07-27T16:58:55+00:00

My daughter is 8. She is recently diagnosed with autism. No problems at school but a nightmare at home. Predictably, being out of the school routine has made her challenging behaviour more challenging. She regularly tells me she hates me, wishes I was dead, that things would be better without me. Everytime I say something she mocks me. She won’t do anything she is told and consequences are meaningless as she just doesn’t care. Today she has also thrown food round the living room and when I tried to stop this she has violently attacked me multiple times. Previously she has broken my finger and scratched me to the extent that I was hospitalised due to a serious infection in my arm. I just honestly can’t do it any more. This has been going on for more than two years now. It’s completely ruining me, my relationship with my husband and our family life (we have other children). The violence triggers me so badly due to childhood abuse and I don’t feel safe in my own home. Do social services take children away in these circumstances?

OldMcDonaldHadABigMac · 27/07/2025 20:25

Tia247 · 27/07/2025 20:21

How awful, if he is autistic then he was obviously completely overwhelmed, he was just masking all day at school and then it became too much at home and he lashed out. Hitting a disabled child is absolutely vile please don't listen to this sort of nonsense OP.

OP does your dd have her own room (just asking because you say you have other kids) I have one with ASD and I would say this is absolutely vital for his well being. She needs somewhere she can be alone, feel safe and decompress. If she doesn't currently have her own room I would do whatever you need to do to make this happen.

The next thing I would suggest would be a daily routine for her, all written out and followed as closely as possible every day. Part of the reason she copes so much better at school is because there is a routine everyday and so she knows what to expect. If you can put in a routine for her with meals, getting dressed etc, time playing games/doing something with you, going for a walk, watching tv, doing a craft activity/building lego, reading her a story or whatever else she does to fill the day then I bet her behaviour will improve. It will be really important to stick to the routine though and if something has to change then give her lots of warning. Let her have as much time alone in her room as she likes though, if this is something that she wants/needs.

What do you do when she mocks you OP? Are you sure she definitely is mocking you first? Repeating back what's been said might help her with processing it. If you're sure she's mocking then a simple 'it's rude to mock people please don't do it' will be enough. Leave it at that and repeat in calmly every time she does it. Do not escalate it into anything else. If she tells you she hates you or whatever then just tell her you love her no matter what.

If she won't do anything she's told it might be that she has a PDA profile, this means that anything you ask her to do feels like a ton of pressure coming down on her and is just too much. It's extremely hard work. Make everything a choice as much as you possibly can. Avoid telling her what she has to do - if her room is a mess then let her have her room as mess - it probably all makes sense to her. If she doesn't want to get dressed in the holidays then don't make her - pick your battles with a lot of thought. Don't bother with consequences if they don't work, just calmly tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable and walk away.

Think about why she is doing what she is doing. Why wasn't she eating the food? Was she not hungry? Did she not like the food? Is she bored? Was she just trying to get your attention? I would have everyone sit down together and eat, she's much more likely to eat properly is meal times are part of a routine where everyone sits down and eats together - 'fussy' eating is also extremely common with ASD because children often can't cope with certain textures or tastes.

If she is doing something that you don't want her to do ie throwing food around and you know her response to you is going to be violent then just don't challenge her. The food is already thrown, it will already need to be cleaned up, there is no point putting yourself at risk of getting hurt too. I would try a 'what's wrong' approach. Ask her calmly why she is throwing the food - there must be some reason for it. Then deal with the reason. If it's because it's fun or because she wants to or some other 'silly' reason then suggest you and her do something fun together instead - just as soon as you've cleared up the mess together. The more of your time you give her OP, the more of your time she will want and the better she will behave to get your time and attention. Work out what she loves doing and use that to your advantage.

Make things fun for her OP and reward her with your time and attention. She desperately wants and needs it I promise you. But you will need to put in lots of effort to do it and make it work and it's not easy when you're juggling other kids too - it will pay off though. The last thing I'd suggest is noticing every single time she does something good. She sits and eats nicely - notice it and praise it. She plays with something nicely for five minutes, notice it and praise it (if you don't want to interrupt her behaving nicely then comment on it later). Look for the good all the time.

It's exhausting having an autistic child OP but I absolutely promise you that the more time and effort you put into making things work for her the better it will be for you all. She loves you and relies on you so much Op because you're her mum.
Good luck!

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Well it stopped the other children in the family (ie me and my sibling) from being attacked on a daily basis. What about us being overwhelmed by being assaulted on a daily basis in our own home? He clearly was able to help it as he soon stopped battering all of us and directed his anger to inanimate objects around the house

DoodleLug · 27/07/2025 20:25

My friends ds was similar. He had to be removed to residential care because he would beat her up by the time he was 12.

So the short answer is yes, you do not have to suffer from violence in your own home. You can call the police if necessary and they'll restrain your dd and call SS. For my friend her ds attacked her during a SS visit and all the SS did was call the police, they did not intervene.

Obviously it'd be better for her if you can get enough support for her to stay with you. But maybe you need respite whilst she gets proper diagnosis of her issues, especially since you need to protect your other DC too.

Driftingawaynow · 27/07/2025 20:31

Low demand parenting was a game changer for us, in addition to professional help with behaviour via CAPA first response and learning loads about asc. Sounds like there’s a lot of support/ coast you guys could benefit from. Life can get so much easier, hang in there love

ThatDeepMauvePoet · 27/07/2025 20:33

OP - I get it. My now teen daughter is autistic too and the ages of 8-10 were the hardest for us as a family - she was exactly the same as your DD. Whilst I wouldn’t describe her as easy now, life is better.

Things I did to help:

I spoke to her school and they referred us for early help. We had a family support worker come in once a week and their role was to help me manage my feelings/MH. Feeling heard and supported helped.
I made an absolute nuisance of myself with CAMHS, Outreach and anyone I could thought would help us. I called lots and was cery persistent. They probably still hate me now.
I made my peace with screen time. DD is a lot more regulated when she uses a device. I applied to Family Fund to get her own ipad. When she was regulated I could dedicate time to the other DC which stopped my guilt at spending so much time with DD.
We kept (and still keep!) a fairly tight routine and schedule (even on weekends/holidays) as when DD knows what to expect and regulated the whole house ran better. Although it initially felt like I was letting DD’s needs trump everyone else’s, it was the lesser of two evils.
I made time for self-care. I’m a single parent and used DD’s DLA to fund a specialised childminder twice a month. One day I’d do something loud and noisy with my other DC as I was adamant that their childhood wasn’t going to be completely dominated by their sister’s needs. On the other I took time for me. I also took a few mins each day to reset my mindset. It sounds crazy but a few mins to myself was almost always enough to get me through the rest of the day.

Somanyquestions654 · 27/07/2025 20:35

ExtraOnions · 27/07/2025 18:43

Been there.

To start with the good news, I now have a lovely 19 year old DD, who is kind, sensitive, funny, and great company. We do lots together.

On the other side, she was late diagnosed with ASD, so I had no idea what I was dealing with. What I had was a violent, angry, aggressive child (from about the age of 7). She smashed her room up, and was violent towards me on multiple occasions.

She was great at school, until she stopped going (but that’s another story).

So, what happened?

Changed the way I parented. Parenting and ASD child, is different to parenting an ND child. The usual rules around “consequences” and the magic “take their screens away” don’t work. When you child becomes overwhelmed, they have a panic attack (or the unhelpful word “meltdown”), there emotions are dysregulated, and they lash out.
When they are in this dysregulated state, there is no point in trying to talk to them, reason with them or anything else … makes it all worse, best thing you can do is to leave them alone. The time for discussion comes later.
Figure out the triggers .. they will be there, is it tiredness, hunger, finding it hard to follow instruction.. could be anything, but knowing gives you an advantage.
Give them things, in life, that they can control themselves - only need start small.
You child does not like feeling that out of control, it’s as distressing for them, as it is for you.
Tell them you Love them.. every single day. The one thing that helped change things with us, was when I said “I’m on your side”
help them understand ASD, and why is makes some things difficult.
We found Sertraline to be a lifesaver.

What I’m trying to say is that there is a sucessful way through this, as awful as it seems at the moment

Important to mention my daughter is “high functioning” -though L2 in the new Assesment

Also, please try not to listen to people who have no experience… they mean well, but mostly spout ableist garbage

Edited

This was our experience too with our high functioning autistic dd. Against all expectations, sertralline was a life-saver.

Tia247 · 27/07/2025 20:37

FedupMum2024 · 27/07/2025 20:21

I hate this 'you are her safe space' nonsense so often spouted on here.
There is no excuse for a child to physically lash out and break the bones of their loving parent.
Even at 8, and with all the special needs in the world, they need to be taught that this is NOT okay!
The autistic lad who lobbed a poor little french boy off the Tate Modern a few years ago and paralysed him used to lash out at his family and the doctors used this 'family are his safe space' crap with him as well!

Would an abusive male partner be excused because his girlfriend is his 'safe space'?

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Jonty Bravery has a personality disorder, doctors said his behaviour was typical of a psychopath rather than a person with autism.

A male adult with his girlfriend is very different to an 8 year old child with autism, shocking that you would compare the two.

Nobody thinks it's ok for the child to break her mums finger. But you're not even making any suggestions as to what the OP could do. The OP is her dd's safe space no matter how much you dislike it, because that's just what parents are to children. It doesn't make it ok but there lots of things the OP could put in place that might help. None of them involve hitting or any other things that could cause trauma to the the child - the cause of personality disorders is childhood trauma and personality disorders are more prevalent in people with ASD probably because they often go through so much trauma as children.

Driftingawaynow · 27/07/2025 20:37

RareAzureBee · 27/07/2025 20:07

Yep I second this get her book “when the naughty step makes things worse” - I know your exhausted and thinking you probably don’t have the time or energy to read a book but it’s available as an audiobook and with an audible trial you can then cancel but keep the book, it will help you work out if PDA might be an issue and explain where ideas about traditional parenting come from (mainly men writing books about mothers in the 1950’s that we are all still following) and explains low demand parenting.

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Another vote for Naomi fisher here, amazing. She has a website where you can purchase online courses , really recommend

NotPerfectlyAdverage · 27/07/2025 20:39

They can go to 365 day schools. You'd have a fight via socail care or EHCP tribunal possibly but yes, it's an option. You might have to sign over parental responsibility. I don't know. But I know about SEN tribunals and know they can be won including these placements.

My kids have SEN so I do feel for you. Dd used to present like she had pda but is much better. Partly due to removing all pointless battles and partly never pushing her buttons. She is much calmer now but she can be explosive. She just doesn't, but she she still could. Unlike most girls with ASD she explodes at school and is easy at home. Ie she bottles nothing up and doesn't mask well.

I'm not going to suggest anything to you. Partly because we don't follow any rule. I don't gentle parent either. She is girl with ASD who will be a woman with ASD and woman can't go hitting people. She she lives by the rules.

I explain her like a granade. If you want to take her pin out and shake her, she will blow your hands and face off. Don't remove her pin and shake her. For her that is dont dismise her feelings. Don't touch her and do not physically try to force her ( school have been far to "handsey" with her in the past). If you want to pull her around she will punch you. Again like a woman, it's not OK to pull her. Once school stopped touching, pulling her she calmed down.

It's hard. You need to do you. Trust your gut. But don't think it can't get better. Because if that was true there would be no point in any therapy.

Spanglemum02 · 27/07/2025 20:40

Please get help. Also think about applying for DLA. It's not means test.

Luckyingame · 27/07/2025 20:45

whiteroseredrose · 27/07/2025 18:14

That sounds just awful and not surprising that you are at the end of your tether. Is there an option to pass a child into the care system?

I know it sounds drastic but it may help you to keep your sanity.

This used to be completely normal where and when I was growing up, parents' well being was prioritised.

AnotherNaCha · 27/07/2025 20:46

If you need immediate help rather than wait on support, I’d recommend doing something to absolutely break the pattern and spiral. Ie start the day doing something different ie breakfast in bed, a novelty that breaks the pattern. And then set something up for her to do (a bit like school) ie some maths problems, art/craft materials with a suggestion of what to draw/make. Then leave a little note about a reward for each challenge she completes (so non-direct communication)
If it’s the lack of routine that’s throwing her, have you tried a visual calendar? Literally a list put up of what’s happening that day/week or breakfast, park etc etc bedtime, as she may be lacking the structure of school.

I really find taking the time to change something (set up the night before) can act as a reset. Hope it resonates and helps

Suusue · 27/07/2025 20:53

I could not do or have done what you do. I'm sorry but I would have to abdicate.

Tia247 · 27/07/2025 20:53

OldMcDonaldHadABigMac · 27/07/2025 20:25

Well it stopped the other children in the family (ie me and my sibling) from being attacked on a daily basis. What about us being overwhelmed by being assaulted on a daily basis in our own home? He clearly was able to help it as he soon stopped battering all of us and directed his anger to inanimate objects around the house

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Your dad had no idea that hitting him back was going to stop him being violent . It could easily have just escalated things much, much further. Of course you should have been kept safe but there was absolutely nothing to suggest that hitting him was going to do that.

Emonade · 27/07/2025 20:54

Goaheadflameme · 27/07/2025 18:09

DH doesn’t step in when she is attacking me. She has previously attacked him as well, usually she tries to punch him between the legs.

I’m terrified I am going to lose my other children over this.

We don’t get any benefits for her or any support. The referral our GP made was rejected because it was for the wrong service or something.

You can sign a section to have a child taken into care I think it’s section 20, but you need to be under social services, ring them tomorrow and ask for advice and what the process is to get some support

Hibernatingtilspring · 27/07/2025 20:56

@Emonade social services don't take children into care on request. Many reasons why, but an obvious one being that if a child gets sent away for being 'bad', even if the parent wants it temporarily, then the damage to the relationship is usually irrevocable.
Social services approach is to support the parent to support the child. Not break families up.

DreamerIzzy · 27/07/2025 20:59

Sounds like she could have a pathalogical demand avoidance profile. If this is the case low demand parenting may actually help

Google pda and look up pda support groups

Emonade · 27/07/2025 21:05

Hibernatingtilspring · 27/07/2025 20:56

@Emonade social services don't take children into care on request. Many reasons why, but an obvious one being that if a child gets sent away for being 'bad', even if the parent wants it temporarily, then the damage to the relationship is usually irrevocable.
Social services approach is to support the parent to support the child. Not break families up.

I mean yes they do, Google the section, but you have to be under social services and it is a last resort. She first needs social service support, probably on a CIN plan and go from there.

Sellingsunsets · 27/07/2025 21:07

Following with interest and offering some solidarity. My 3yo has autism (still awaiting official diagnosis) but it's plainly obvious to all. We just ordered accepted DLA for him also based on his behaviors and care needs. He's non verbal and very aggressive, bites, kicks, punches. Not just me but anyone who dares to get to close to him. He hurts himself on purpose too, headbutting walls, floors, people, punching himself, pulls his own hair. He doesn't sleep properly. Up at all hours, he's very particular and has meltdowns multiple times a day that take ages for him to calm down. His nursery have been fantastic with him and his behaviour doesn't appear to be as bad there but they confess that they have learned to leave him to it and not get too close to him or in his space but he's getting used to the routine. The nursery are also helping to try and get an EHCP in place so that I can apply for him to go to a specialist school in my area when he turns 4. So look into what your school can do. Or even the healthy family team (not sure if there is an age limit for this) I don't know what our future holds for us and if his behavior will improve or not but I often have days where I think I can't do this anymore especially as I have my own mental health conditions and struggles which really takes its toll. My council has a scheme, I forget what it's called but a family worker comes and sees him at home and does assessments and then puts you forward for help from the local authority that you might need, so far we have had a grant and some funding for 1:1 at nursery as he is majorly behind everyone else. It's tough being a sen parent and nothing prepares you for it. I don't really have much advice as I'm still learning how to cope myself but just know you are not alone ❤️

OldMcDonaldHadABigMac · 27/07/2025 21:12

Tia247 · 27/07/2025 20:53

Your dad had no idea that hitting him back was going to stop him being violent . It could easily have just escalated things much, much further. Of course you should have been kept safe but there was absolutely nothing to suggest that hitting him was going to do that.

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You have absolutely no idea what my dad thought unless you've met him and discussed it with him. And yes, he did use it as a tactic to stop him attacking us all. He was a calm, fair man but he was sick of seeing his wife and kids cowering in fear and being hurt. He decided to try a new tack with him and it worked.

Ap42 · 27/07/2025 21:14

I could have written this myself some years ago about my now 13 year old autistic son. I used to dread the school holidays and lack of routine. In my case things got easier over time. He is no longer violent thankfully. She may change as she gets older. It sounds like you all need support. You can apply for DLA which will help with respite, sensory aids in the hope of helping to calm her down and give you a break. I also did the cygnet course which really helped me to understand my son.
Sadly I found early help utterly useless. But have been referred to them multiple times so their is a paper trail of my sons needs.
Good luck. Don't be too hard on yourself. Your doing a fab job x

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/07/2025 21:16

Call early help
And ask them to sign post you to parenting support

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/07/2025 21:17

Ps if you do give up your child social workers will have to out them in foster care or a children's home as a last resort, but things will get a lot worse for you child

RubySquid · 27/07/2025 21:20

Mondaytuesdayhappydays · 27/07/2025 18:56

@MMUmum

The threshold for these residential
settings is much, much higher than scratching and bending back fingers, throwing food around, breaking stuff - certainly at 8.
Learning techniques to manage these behaviours would surely be preferable than lengthy restraint by a stranger (on minimum wage/ in an industry with high dissatisfaction and very high levels of staff turnover) who does not love your child.
Surely?

Edited

What would actually happen if you dumped the kid in social services offices and refused to take her back. ( Not suggesting actually doing it) But the can't force you to have the kid in your home

EmeraldShamrock000 · 27/07/2025 21:24

They will take her once support is offered first.
They'll also investigate the difference in behaviour from school and home, although it is not uncommon that a DC with autism will be abusive at home vs well behaved in school, they will question it.
What routines do you have set up at home?

PeachesandCream100 · 27/07/2025 21:26

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