To not want to look after my daughter any more

[Goaheadflameme]

My daughter is 8. She is recently diagnosed with autism. No problems at school but a nightmare at home.

Predictably, being out of the school routine has made her challenging behaviour more challenging. She regularly tells me she hates me, wishes I was dead, that things would be better without me. Everytime
I say something she mocks me. She won’t do anything she is told and consequences are meaningless as she just doesn’t care. Today she has also thrown food round the living room and when I tried to stop this she has violently attacked me multiple times. Previously she has broken my finger and scratched me to the extent that I was hospitalised due to a serious infection in my arm.

I just honestly can’t do it any more. This has been going on for more than two years now. It’s completely ruining me, my relationship with my husband and our family life (we have other children). The violence triggers me so badly due to childhood abuse and I don’t feel safe in my own home.

Do social services take children away in these circumstances?

Most likely she is only able to manage at school by letting her anger out at home.

OP certainly does not sound like someone who has not tried.

This is a very challenging presentation of autism to live with. PPs have given good advice about involving services. In the meantime I’d strongly recommend you take a look at the pdasociety.org.uk website. Loads of info there on pathological demand avoidance and the PANDA approach which can be a game changer. Although it doesn’t seem like it, this behaviour arises out of anxiety and being able to reduce that can make a massive difference. She explodes with you because you’re her safe person - no consolation I know but it’s looking at things through her lens. Do hope things improve for all of you.

Therefore, her behavior IS manageable. YOU just haven't learned how to manage it. I'd suggest that, before abandoning the poor child

Wow that’s victim blaming. There are no winners in this situation, I have seen children with autism, especially girls, who mask well at school and explode at home. Once they see red there’s no stopping them, this type of anger goes on for hours.

I don’t blame OP for wanting to throw in the towel, there no or little respite for families. Social care don’t have bags of money to help. Friends and family can’t cope.

Jesus, reading this thread was a real eye opener for me. Absolutely awful that any of you should go through this! We're sold the 'dream' of happy family life but god, this is awful.

I have 3 kids, 2 of which are girls. The eldest has ASD. When she was 14, I sent her to her dads basically saying you think you can do better and it's such a doddle, have a go yourself. I'm still vilified by her for this to the point where we don't speak any more, but for my other two, it was the best move I could have ever made. This action, by the way, was 20 years ago and the shit I got for it then is not much less that the shit I still get now from the eldest - but honestly, I couldn't cope for another minute, and the 'disparagement' was worth it for the peace I and the other kids got.

F me. My heart really goes out to you all going through this and if there were anything I could do or say to help, I really would.

Im also a SW and I think there is a real lack of understanding generally and a huge amount of misinformation on MN about the thresholds for S20/Care Orders etc and the role and remit of Children’ Social Care.
The immediate go to comments about ‘residential units l’ and ‘getting respite’ are so far from the reality of how structured support actually works in practice.
I wish people understood more about the poor outcomes for kids who are accommodated by the local authority and saw it as a very sad last resort after every other intervention has failed, and only when it becomes in the best interests of the child a d they are at risk of immediate or prolonged / systematic harm

OK, not to sound arsey, but please would you clarify here what the remit is of SS and what can and can't be done? For me personally, bullet points are an absolute dream and thank you for your input ❤

Well said

This and also contact the school & discuss home difficulties- school may be able to support you (share strategies that work for her/them) & can also put a referral in for agency support (along with yourself (self referral) and the GP.

It is very hard I certainly feel for you. You need support & strategies to help both you & daughter manage & thrive & to ease the strain on your wider family. She will lash out when disregulated/triggered. Good to get boundaries/routines sorted now while she is still young.

Good luck, well done for reaching out.

All of the above.

It's astonishing and depressing the bollocks that still gets spouted by people who know the square root of fuck all about ASD, coming on berating the parents for their child's behaviour, FFS.

I doubt they'd last a minute in any of our shoes.

Gladly
off to sleep but early start tomo so will put something together first thing promise xxx

@Spooky2000
I'm sorry for the difficult choices you had to make. Must have torn you apart. Must still.

My DD is 19 now and has been in hospital for a few months after unilaterally stopping her meds and having several serious incidents. She's decided she doesn't want to see us for the time being and it's so hard. However she did unblock me recently and wrote "I love you"

I hope you and your daughter find each other again soon.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this desperately difficult situation. You urgently need to speak to your GP to talk about counselling and other forms of help, for the sake of your daughter, your other children, and your own mental health.

I honestly can’t believe what I’m reading.

Mothers saying they are struggling to parent their children due to violent behaviour from their offspring are basically told by social services that they need to put up with it because respite care is rare and long-term residential placements are almost non-existent - really?

This is beyond shocking.

No one should be forced to live with someone who is violent to them, not even mothers. Choosing to attempt to work through it is up to each parent on an individual level, but for agencies of the state to force parents to live in fear of assault seems barely credible. And yet clearly it’s quite common.

And it’s not just the parents. The state agent is mandating that any siblings in the home must be made to live with a violent abuser. Their rights, well-being, mental health and safety are secondary to the State’s right to refuse to intervene.

I thank my lucky stars I have never been put in this impossible situation and I hope with all my heart that things improve for those of you forced to endure such a callous lack of support from social services.

Jesus, you have absolutely - much more eloquently than I - said my same exact thoughts. It's completely unacceptable. My own experience was that I sent my daughter to live with her father at 14 to spare my other two kids and tbh I wish I'd done it sooner, but I thought she was better placed with me and that I could do more for her and support her. When I saw it was impacting my other two, that was enough for me and so I called him and said this was happening - no discussion. Of course, he was the 'saviour parent' 🙄She of course went on to give him plenty of trouble and he wasn't interested. Well - told you so.

This is going on in thousands of households across the UK, but no-one really knows what to do or where to turn or what help to ask for, which is why I asked @Mondaytuesdayhappydays for clarity. It's absolutely horrific, and in addition, families live with a stigma that they're just not 'raising their kids' right' and it blights the other siblings (or at least it did in my case).

‘The kid’? You mean the person’s 8 year old child? No, if someone chooses to abandon their child nobody can force them to take them back, and very likely the decision would be taken away from them. And the child would have a lifetime of abandonment issues to deal with.

Frankly, no
the care system is groaning at the seams and doesn't have capacity to take children of parents who aren't abusive or neglectful. Selectively handing over children is not a thing that parents can do.
It may be worth self referring to early help and it's definitely worth applying for PIP.

Firstly the police would be called, if you just attempted to dump your child and run. You'd be reported for child neglect, and quite possibly be arrested. Secondly you'd have social services on the phone expecting you to find somewhere else for your child to stay if they couldn't come home with you. There are no places for social workers to take children with no notice.
I am not saying we don't have children 'dumped' on us. It does happen occasionally. It usually results in several social workers staying very late in the office with bored, scared or traumatised children while they frantically try to find anyone in a child's network who will take them for the night. It definitely doesn't result in the child being taken to a lovely foster home right away.
the third thing that would happen would be that you'd have social services assessing your family situation and the parenting of your other kids if you have them, which most people wouldn't welcome.

Sounds horrific OP & if I was in your position I would feel the same , can you contact early help to see if there is respite also putting her into care doesn't mean that you don't love her or youl never see her again so if it's the only solution for you that is also OK, you shouldn't have to live with violence & if you don't feel able to control your daughter it's probably safer for you both x

I’m a parent to an autistic child. I know what you’re going through.

Your daughter needs to be medicated. You need to learn how to defend yourself.

Film her behaviour. Call social services. Have her removed from your home. You’ve been hospitalised in the past. This is domestic violence and you don’t need to accept this.

This is why I believe this child should be medicated.

The OP shouldn’t have to put up with this behaviour.

Behavioural problems are heartbreaking to manage, and I absolutely second you getting a neutral professional to talk about how they are affecting you.

If you haven't already seen it, there is a good BBC show called "There She Goes" . Its written by someone in your situation and is a very good honest look on how Autism effects the parents.

This is very unhelpful.

Abuse very commonly effects the family because the concequences are different.

Are you on any ASD and PDA support forums? You need to try the Camhs route again also.