To not want to look after my daughter any more

[Goaheadflameme]

My daughter is 8. She is recently diagnosed with autism. No problems at school but a nightmare at home.

Predictably, being out of the school routine has made her challenging behaviour more challenging. She regularly tells me she hates me, wishes I was dead, that things would be better without me. Everytime
I say something she mocks me. She won’t do anything she is told and consequences are meaningless as she just doesn’t care. Today she has also thrown food round the living room and when I tried to stop this she has violently attacked me multiple times. Previously she has broken my finger and scratched me to the extent that I was hospitalised due to a serious infection in my arm.

I just honestly can’t do it any more. This has been going on for more than two years now. It’s completely ruining me, my relationship with my husband and our family life (we have other children). The violence triggers me so badly due to childhood abuse and I don’t feel safe in my own home.

Do social services take children away in these circumstances?

Unsurprisingly the studies into sibling violence show that the victims who grow up with violent siblings in the home:

• are more likely to develop substance abuse issues as adults
• are more likely to become victims of domestic abuse
• are less able to identify abusive relationships as adults
• are more likely to suffer relationship breakdowns as adults
• have poorer mental health and low self-esteem as adults
• have lower educational attainment and work success due to childhood belittling
• have riskier sexual encounters
• are desensitised to violence and may themselves become perpetrators
• are more likely to need support from state agencies in their adult lives

@x2boys Your oldest son may not be of an age to realise how his sibling’s violent behaviour is likely to impact on his future.

Your language is interesting
"Prioritising the rights of a violent individual over the rights of innocent children "
The 8 year old is also a child who for some reason you are hell bent on demonising them.

He's 19 at Xmas.

Brains aren’t fully mature until people are in their mid to late 20s.

If you are certain your 19 year old son can predict the outcomes on relationships he forms in his 30s, 40s and later, how exposure to violence as a child influences his own family dynamics when he becomes a parent, perhaps you could also ask him to provide us all with this week’s lottery numbers?

It isn’t the child I’m demonising, it’s the position of the state in relation to the effects that child has on parents and siblings within the home.

I thought that was obvious.

The brain maturity thing is a load of made up nonsense and it varies on mumsnet to between 25 -30 🤣🤣

But you seem to think you can predict how the 8 year old child is going to present at 12,15,17 so why don't you provide the numbers for this week's lottery 🤔

It's absolutely not 'made up nonsense'. The pre frontal cortex stops developing around age 25.

“Sentencing should take account of compelling evidence that the brain does not fully mature until at least the age of 25, according to a review of research undertaken by the University of Edinburgh on behalf of the Scottish Sentencing Council.
In order to inform its development of a guideline on sentencing young people, the Scottish Sentencing Council asked the University of Edinburgh to carry out a systematic review of the current neurological, neuropsychological, and psychological evidence on the cognitive maturity of younger people.
The review findings confirm that the adolescent brain continues to develop into adulthood and does not reach full maturity until approximately 25-30 years of age.
…
Furthermore, brain development may be delayed or hindered by other factors such as mental disorders and distress, adverse childhood experiences, traumatic brain injury (“TBI”), and alcohol and substance use. These contextual risks therefore introduce significant vulnerability in young people. The very nature of brain development during the transition to adulthood is often at the root of the risk-taking behaviour which can cause further damage to the already vulnerable younger brain.“

https://www.scottishsentencingcouncil.org.uk/news-and-media/news/research-indicates-the-brain-does-not-fully-mature-until-you-are-at-least-25

Still, I’m sure you’re right and both the Scottish Sentencing Council and the researchers at the University of Edinburgh are wrong.

@EviesHat I'm assuming you have been the victim of some sort of sibling abuse for you to take such a strong stance on this and if that's the case and you weren't supported, I'm sorry.

You can 'translate' my posts as much as you like, it's clear that you have a fixed view and an extremely negative interpretation of any professional input, for whatever reason.

I do think that you would be better off starting your own thread though, as this has gone far beyond anything helpful to the OP.

You’ve made it quite clear your profession offers no support to the siblings of violent children.

The aggressor must remain in the family home, no matter the cost to others living there.

You are talking about a very young child your language is way over the top to describe an 8 year old.

@EviesHat I've done nothing of the sort, though you continue to make it clear that you don't read the content of posts, otherwise you'd know that I've written about the support.

I won't respond to you again as derailing the ops thread in the way that you have done is frankly cruel.

I'm talking about violent children in general, not just this one girl.

But this thread is about one 8 year old girl which you have no idea of how she's going to present in years to come .

Hi
My son is now 27, went through many schools and struggled with behaviours, he is autistic, has adhd and complex special needs although to look at him you wouldn't know.
He too struggled with school holidays, the loss of his normal routine etc, was violent and at other times extremely amicable
In the first instance I would contact your GP as an urgent matter and ask them to.make an urgent safeguarding referral to your local authority. We managed to obtain extra help with carers, funded activities for him to attend etc whilst school has broken up for holidays and respite, not without a fight, try to find out what help is available in your area as they will not tell you, you need to ensure yiu ask for everything you need. If you don't get any help then go higher and higher, most local authorities publish contact details for some of department heads, get as many friends, familiy and professionals to back you up as possible.
I hope this helps in some way!

You need help from a social worker. They won't take your child away they will help you more. They will get someone involved with behaviour issues for special needs. I know how your feeling its horrible but you need help

It must be unbearable, Op. I hope someone can give you some ideas on how to access assistance and repite care.
Brainstorming (with no experience) ...
Can you have an Occupational Therapist visit you to give some options about how to set up your home with some safe zones and behaviour ideas?
Can your husband wear cricket box and mask protection and fend off your daughter?
Is there a division of Police that can be called? Can you line one room with strong walls and soft floors and lock your daughter in there while you await help?
Can your daughter be placed on medication that tempers her mood?
You are at wits end. I hope some real answers materialise.

Yes but they will not just take her child. Even if she asks them to. So unless you know the answer for the question for sure there’s no point in getting her hopes up

The best place to start ime us early help the Op probably won't get much in terms of practical support but will probably be offered parenting courses,
Where she csn at least meet other parents in a similar situation
Respite is available but it's limited and varies between LA,s to whats actually available.

We’ve finally managed to get our DD1 into a residential school, at the age of 16, now she finally has an EHCP. (Thankfully for us, the school is near us and does weekly boarding.) We were in the exact same situation as the OP when she was 8, and a residential school was a long way from being a possibility then.

Our DD1 (who is adopted) was violent towards me then, but, to reassure the OP, the violence towards us did stop after the age of 10, after therapy. She still has violent outbursts, but she throws things rather than lashing out at me.

This is a very shocking post. The disabled 8yo is also an innocent child, surely you can see that?

I'm genuinely shocked an adult would demonise a young child in this way.

In my LA there are various groups / charities that offer organised days out at a subsidised cost ,or activities for children with autism and other disabilities
I would look at your local offer and see whsts available
If nothing else you will meet families with chilldren with similar needs it might make you feel less alone.

The OP has other children. Do they not matter? Numerous posters have pointed out that respite care is hard to secure and that social services prioritise the family adjusting to accommodate the behaviour of the challenging child.

The siblings of that child may look back in future years and wonder if they ever mattered to the state at all.

Unsurprisingly the studies into sibling violence show that the victims who grow up with violent siblings in the home:

• are more likely to develop substance abuse issues as adults
• are more likely to become victims of domestic abuse
• are less able to identify abusive relationships as adults
• are more likely to suffer relationship breakdowns as adults
• have poorer mental health and low self-esteem as adults
• have lower educational attainment and work success due to childhood belittling
• have riskier sexual encounters
• are desensitised to violence and may themselves become perpetrators
• are more likely to need support from state agencies in their adult lives

Omg OP, my heart just breaks for you! I live in Australia but was born in UK, moved here just over 20years ago. I'm a nurse and have been terrified when we've had violent autistic patients, they have superhuman strength and it is terrifying! I can't even imagine how you must be feeling and you've done amazingly well to cope as long as you have with NO support. I agree with all of the others, lay it on thick! Say you are scared for yours and your other families loves, particularly yours and your children's. Your husband should be helping when she becomes violent! Atleast to help you safely restrain her arms and legs until she calms down. I'm so sorry you're in this predicament and that this is your life. I totally understand and am so compassionate with what you're having to deal with on a daily basis. They just get stronger and stronger as they grow up! I think the suggestion of medication to mellow her out is the very first step that a GP can prescribe! And a referral to a psychiatrist specialising in violent autistic children and of course social services for an emergency disability social worker to put carers in place under the disability funding you have where you are. We have NDIS here in Australia. Hang in there sweetheart, I'm so sorry this is happening. My heart really hurts so much for you and your family.