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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to look after my daughter any more

414 replies

Goaheadflameme · 27/07/2025 17:58

My daughter is 8. She is recently diagnosed with autism. No problems at school but a nightmare at home.

Predictably, being out of the school routine has made her challenging behaviour more challenging. She regularly tells me she hates me, wishes I was dead, that things would be better without me. Everytime
I say something she mocks me. She won’t do anything she is told and consequences are meaningless as she just doesn’t care. Today she has also thrown food round the living room and when I tried to stop this she has violently attacked me multiple times. Previously she has broken my finger and scratched me to the extent that I was hospitalised due to a serious infection in my arm.

I just honestly can’t do it any more. This has been going on for more than two years now. It’s completely ruining me, my relationship with my husband and our family life (we have other children). The violence triggers me so badly due to childhood abuse and I don’t feel safe in my own home.

Do social services take children away in these circumstances?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
WhereIsMyJumper · 27/07/2025 18:01

I’m so sorry OP, I wish I had some good advice for you but just wanted to say that sounds extremely difficult and definitely not normal!

BlueMum16 · 27/07/2025 18:02

I'm sorry this is happening.

Where is your DH in all of this? How is she with him?

Mondaytuesdayhappydays · 27/07/2025 18:03

What services are you open to already?
x

Enough4me · 27/07/2025 18:03

I'd ask them for support as a matter of urgency before she hurts one of her siblings.
Could she stay with other family or friends even if just for temporary periods so she cools down?

cryinglaughing · 27/07/2025 18:04

Is she under CAMHS?
There is respite care available but I don't know how you would access it or even if you would qualify for it.

ForrinMummy · 27/07/2025 18:05

This is horrendous. Even worse, in extremis they would take your other children away (or to live separately with their Dad) and leave you, alone and unsupported with her.

dontcomeatme · 27/07/2025 18:05

Yes you can contact them. They will probably offer early help first, maybe even respite. Does she receive any benefits for her autism? My friend uses her DS money to pay for a private respite service especially during the holidays, they take her DS out 2 days a week.
A friend I knew years ago gave her DD to social services, for different reasons. But she doesn't regret it. They have a good relationship now DD is 17. She still lives in care but there is talk of her coming home.
I'm sorry OP this situation sounds awful, hand hold x

Livelovebehappy · 27/07/2025 18:06

Sounds awful. I hope someone comes along and gives you advice, and doesn't judge. Until people have walked in your shoes, no-one could come close to imagining what you must he going through.

TimeForABreak4 · 27/07/2025 18:07

That sounds very difficult op. I don't think they take them away but have you got a social worker to get support in place?

You could be awarded funding for respite or for her to go to day centres etc for children with Autism. The first step is contacting the duty social worker for your area if you don't yet have one. Tell them you are struggling and desperately need support. You will be designated a social worker who will come and do an assessment and then they will have a meeting with their team leader and the local council to see what funding you will be awarded for support and what other support can be put in place.

Edited to remove the random 12 that was added at the end.

Mondaytuesdayhappydays · 27/07/2025 18:08

Are you open to Social Care ? Early Help/Targeted Support and or CAMHs?

Original poster
Goaheadflameme · 27/07/2025 18:09

DH doesn’t step in when she is attacking me. She has previously attacked him as well, usually she tries to punch him between the legs.

I’m terrified I am going to lose my other children over this.

We don’t get any benefits for her or any support. The referral our GP made was rejected because it was for the wrong service or something.

OP posts:
RiverGod · 27/07/2025 18:09

I’ve just had this exact same conversation with my mum today- my 8 year old is the second child I’ve had this with and I’m just very tired. I don’t want to do it anymore.

I understand OP.

whiteroseredrose · 27/07/2025 18:14

That sounds just awful and not surprising that you are at the end of your tether. Is there an option to pass a child into the care system?

I know it sounds drastic but it may help you to keep your sanity.

Calamitousness · 27/07/2025 18:15

That all sounds awful. Are you and your husband on the same page with removing her from the home because if not then it would be almost impossible to achieve. If you are, could you look to see what residential placements may be available to her, not necessarily within region but look far and afield and see what is available and contact them to undertstand how you could get her admission. As others have said you would likely first be offered money for personal carers to provide respite as actual respite is incredibly hard to get. You can surrender parental rights and ask Your child be taken into care services but it’s not something that I imagine would be a first choice. Good luck and best wishes to you. Her behaviour sounds incredibly challenging and I would struggle with that too. I’m sure we all would.

Mondaytuesdayhappydays · 27/07/2025 18:16

Goaheadflameme · 27/07/2025 18:09

DH doesn’t step in when she is attacking me. She has previously attacked him as well, usually she tries to punch him between the legs.

I’m terrified I am going to lose my other children over this.

We don’t get any benefits for her or any support. The referral our GP made was rejected because it was for the wrong service or something.

So who gave her the ASD diagnosis?
You need to go back to
the GP to access the Neuropathway and also contact Children’s Social Care to ask
for an assessment as a parenting course will need to be done along side the pathway. Also they will assess your family needs and how to manage challenging behaviours and safeguard yourself and minimise the impact on the other children.
They will not just take her (even if you want this) and definitely not the others unless you are not acting protectively in some way which I am sure is not the case.

Can I ask why DH does not intervene to mitigate the violence? I appreciate it’s get tricky esp with girls in their teens but not at 8 surely?

Im a SW by the way.

monkeysox · 27/07/2025 18:16

Goaheadflameme · 27/07/2025 18:09

DH doesn’t step in when she is attacking me. She has previously attacked him as well, usually she tries to punch him between the legs.

I’m terrified I am going to lose my other children over this.

We don’t get any benefits for her or any support. The referral our GP made was rejected because it was for the wrong service or something.

GP. Tomorrow tell them everything.

Flamingoknees · 27/07/2025 18:17

In my area, the Children's Disability Team (part if SS) will do a Child In Need Assessment, on a child with a diagnosed disability. That would at least be a starting point, to find out what support is available in your area. You can ring SS and refer yourself. So sorry you are having a difficult time OP.

PoxyAndIKnowIt · 27/07/2025 18:21

I have a violent autistic daughter.

You should contact social services. They will try to help, rather than be desperate to take her away. They will be particularly keen to help if you have other children, as they may need protection. You can self refer.

Is she under CAMHS? She should be. Go to your GP and lay it on thick. See a different one this time as the previous one seems a bit useless.

My DD was helped by, firstly, an SSRI at age 10, then at 12, when she was super violent, she was given an antipsychotic which calmed her behaviour and meant she could go back to school.

You do not have to suffer violence at home. From anyone. If you're being attacked or your belongings/home wrecked call the police. It sounds extreme, but we've had to do this several times and they've been amazing. They can set the ball rolling for other services and referrals too.

I hope you get some help soon. I know how awful this is 💐

Hibernatingtilspring · 27/07/2025 18:25

From what you've described a usual plan would be to allocate you a family support worker to work quite intensely with you and your DH until things settle down and you feel more confident in 'what works'
That could be with a social worker alongside or could be from an early help service (a step below statutory social services) Along with linking you in to any beneficial local services or groups.

If she's 8, verbal and in a mainstream school without any other disabilities then it's unlikely she would be opened to a disability specific service, more likely standard family services (though they can be really good)

ASimpleLampoon · 27/07/2025 18:30

Please get in touch with Carers UK and clarify your rights, and get onto your local councils children's services for support. Request a carers assessment.

You should get a disability social worker and referrals to support services.

You do have rights and there should be support. It may take some persistence and bring fobbed off at first though. Knowing your rights and what's available is a good starting point.

Enough4me · 27/07/2025 18:32

OP as well as looking at these options remember the samaritans are available just to hear you. They won't judge or offer advice but having a neutral person to talk to at breaking point can bring a small moment of relief. What you're going through is really hard and it may help your sanity to talk.

OriginalUsername2 · 27/07/2025 18:32

This sounds awful and I feel awful for you. You need a break and some help, anyone could see that. I would call social services directly and go from there.

Do you have family support?

Mondaytuesdayhappydays · 27/07/2025 18:33

Hibernatingtilspring · 27/07/2025 18:25

From what you've described a usual plan would be to allocate you a family support worker to work quite intensely with you and your DH until things settle down and you feel more confident in 'what works'
That could be with a social worker alongside or could be from an early help service (a step below statutory social services) Along with linking you in to any beneficial local services or groups.

If she's 8, verbal and in a mainstream school without any other disabilities then it's unlikely she would be opened to a disability specific service, more likely standard family services (though they can be really good)

You are quite right that’s how it would work in my LA - I was just about to ask if she is in mainstream and verbal?
How is her behaviour in school?

PoxyAndIKnowIt · 27/07/2025 18:35

I meant to add to my post that you should apply for DLA for her. You have a good chance if receiving it now she's diagnosed.

A PP is right that you have to be persistent and not accept fobbed off. There's too little help for too many children. I just kept going and asking more questions rather than accept someone telling me there was nothing they could do.

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