13 year old watching newborn

[Newmum99653]

Am I being unreasonable?

I am not comfortable with our 13 year old DSD watching our newborn whilst we do jobs around the house. Personally my priority is the safety of the newborn and anything can happen quickly (choking, falling, suffocating) if not being watched properly. E.g. I came down and DSD was on phone whilst “watching” newborn whilst I was upstairs and DP was in the kitchen.

My DP on the other hand doesn’t see the problem in this at all.

My view is DSD can hold feed cuddle newborn as much as she wants but whilst we are supervising.
Am I being unreasonable?

I assume you are talking of the Stockport nursery story? If so, horrifically the child was placed and strapped in face down. He is absolutely not being placed in face down.

Baby doesn’t need to be watched by someone all the time. But I agree never ever leave a child to be responsible. If anything goes wrong two lives are ruined.

I remember shuddering when older relatives told me how they'd just put carry cot and baby in back of car. It seemed so dangerous and our car seat seemed so safe, but at least their babies were lying flat. We hardly ever drove ours anywhere, but often left them in their car seats at home. Some yrs later when they were 10 and 7, I noticed that instead of the 'carry cot attached to pushchair frame, then pushchair used when carrycot had been discarded' system, mothers were buying combinations which entailed just clipping car seat onto a frame. Even those who didn't have cars were using them. Seems outrageous. Don't know if they're still around as haven't been looking.

Never a problem for me. Don't drink hot drinks 😃. Neither did our babysitter. I agree with this. You have to set out clear guidelines re how any adult left in charge manages cups of tea etc. Better still ask them not to have any.

@Newmum99653 Good to hear you have resolution. Just want to point out that, while some posters did 'diagnose' Post Natal Depression or whatever the modern term is, I and many others merely suggested your hormones were still out of whack. A completely different thing, and so obvious that it barely merits mentioning. No new mother ever feels entirely herself as the hormones continue to tumble. (Hi Kate and Wills! Do you think us rude for mentioning hormones.) I have to admit to finding this thread unsettling. Having never been an anxious mother to young children, I'm now thinking of all that could have gone wrong and panicking in hindsight 🙃

I remember when my first was a newborn there was an awful storyline in eastenders and I spent most of the night while he was sleeping sticking a finger under his nose to check he was still breathing. That was ott and your current worries are ott but also normal. Having your first baby is terrifying and it takes a while to adjust. You do what you need to do to alleviate worries and go about your day with as little extra fear on your mind as possible xx

@Idontpostmuch I most definitely think my hormones are so massively out of whack, so please do not take any of the previous message as a dig to you or any other posters that said something similar ♥️. I’ve just got out of the thick of baby blues (what an insane time that nobody really tells you about 😂). It’s okay it’s naturally engrained in me to worry I think, I’m a natural over thinker and my partner often jokes if he could take some of my over thinking and swap it with his under thinking… we’d make the perfect level of thinking. But for now we level eachother out

It was more so aimed at those who suggested I was insane, crazy, an unfit mother or verging on needing sectioning for my concerns and behaviours ha.

The point is you can do all these things without him being watched by another adult. Baby does not need eyes on all the time. Especially during summer where you won’t be needing additional blankets etc which are about the only small risk of you leave baby safely sleeping or chilling at this age. I was on my own with mine from the start and at times dd age 3 was the one to need to come and tell me if they needed something so I’d certainly expect a 13 yo to be fine

@Newmum99653 Thanks for taking time to clarify. I too am over thinker. If you find a cure, pass it along 😃. Enjoy your baby.

Updated advice is to not use them they are not good for babies spine and thebdroped head just like in a car seat can obstruct breathing.
Baby is more likely to slump or fall sideways against cushioning

I know its a terrible thing but my MIL had her eldest at 13 😬

In that case leave housework etc up to other people and enjoy your newborn cuddles, this time flies by.

I think you seen to think that because lots of us have had more then one baby, that our concerns about PNA are irrelevant as your level of worry is standard.

In order to get to neglected second born we've had to have precious first born first, and many of us do remember and are still concerned. It's not like you'd are even leaving the SD in charge, she's just in the same room! Getting anxious about her being on her phone in the same room as the baby IS ridiculous. Did you explain this now to the midwife or was it more nervous 'I'm about about my SD looking after baby'.

Also, your baby is a month and your SD 14 right, not 2 weeks and 13? Have you made both younger to try to get more sympathetic replies?

If it's just this that you are anxious about then maybe it's more any the relationship you have with your SD than anxiety. Is she more of a family member or a random kid that happens to be your husband's?

It's totally fine to be protective of your newborn, especially as a first time mum. I would be cautious about my daughter feeling like she was being asked to babysit if I had her watching a new baby sibling while I did longer chores. I'd include DSD by bringing her alongside, having her help if she wants to and by doing short duration watching while building both your confidence. Also, I wanted to spend all the time sat with my baby when they were this tiny, there's no shame in that.

It doesn't have to be long duration or nothing, or long duration straight away. It can absolutely build up over time.

@Babyboomtastic I don’t seem to think that all mothers on here have more than one, I’m simply stating what I’ve been advised and assured. If that was not you, then simply read and move on.

I didnt say I was anxious about her being on her phone, I simply used it as an example of her interests being her phone and her friends. Not a newborn, which I’m not holding her fault for. I was the same as a teen, but I’m stating that I’d feel comfortable with someone I knew was actively checking in that everything was okay. I have also held my hands up and admitted it is OTT of me. So I’m confused as to what more you have to say on this? I said exactly what I posted in the original post, and quite frankly the midwife laughed at some of the “OTT” responses that had been received. It’s okay if others don’t agree with the same opinion you have, the same way it’s fine if people don’t agree with my opinion.

My baby is not a month my baby is now 3 weeks actually. My SDS is 13 and 14 in November… if your are referring my previous post I was attempting to keep all those involved as anonymous as possible incase it was read by any whom may know us. But you’re welcome to continue to whatever narrative that suits you, to allow you to be a t**t to others over the internet.

But you’ve made it very obvious, your real issue is the fact I’m a step parent so rather than address the real issues or statements that have been made. You are strung on this being a DSD when it is not.

I was also on my own alot of the time from the start due to DH’s job (even more respect yo those Mum’s totally on their own). I do actually look back and see the huge positive that I got into a routine very fast, naps were essential in the moses basket then cot (never missed one as those two or sometimes three hours every morning of my own time massively helped me). No family nearby - obviously they visited us when they could. When you have no choice but to get on, you just do it. When our youngest started to move, I used a playpen in the morning to get our eldest ready for pre-school. I never liked the look of them before becoming a Mum…how we change when we have to get a 3 year old to pre school before 9 with a baby! 😅

I get anonymity, but it didn't really make sense - It would have meant when you posted 2 weeks ago about your baby being 2 weeks old, giving a pretty detailed timeline, including a few visits to hospital, getting into a routine and doing ok and then your SD coming for 4 days, that was all the first week, which doesn't really add up. Hence why I think your baby is older than you are saying. But in any event, if baby is 2 weeks or 4 weeks (or 6m) it makes little difference. If SD is 14 not 13, then it makes little difference, as there's nothing wrong with her being in the room either way.

I have no idea why you think I have an issue with your being a step parent - I have none. I'm not a step mother, not a step child, I'm not a single parent. I've got zero beef here. But it just doesn't sound as if you are treating her as a teenage girl of the family to me.

I occasionally looked after my nieces and nephews as tiny newborns, knew how to give a bottle, wind them, pick them up safely etc. The idea of not even getting trusted to be in the same room, like I'm a toddler or a dog, is baffling to me.

Yes, it was the, 90's and people weren't so hot on risk, but at 13 I helped out in church and had my own Sunday school class of 20 kids, which I looked after by myself (sometimes I had a helper in her 80's). Baffling now how anyone thought that was alright though. Until recently, teenage girls were the main supply of babysitters! And older kids are a lot harder to look after than a newborn.

But it's upto you. If you prefer to cart your baby up and down stairs when you pop to the toilet, because you believe that the likelihood of you tripping and dropping baby, is less than her, IDK spontaneously combusting by being left unattended or with a teenager for a couple of minutes, then that's your choice.

I have a 6 month old and couldn’t watch him all the time. And yes you sleep lighter but you still sleep with your eyes closed.
newborns shouldn’t have blankets so their hands can be animated so remove those if the little one isn’t swaddled.

a 13 yr old is completely fine to be in the same room and on their phone - are you never on your phone with your baby?

try to relax - it’s really hard with a new born but be grateful for someone else offering to look after the baby and have some rest!

Op I'm confused who is staring at your baby while your reading your phone right now? Do you sit dad in front of baby and make sure he can't be distracted by the TV or his phone so you can use yours?

You're not strapping a newborn into a seat for 2 hours are you? That's dangerous for their breathing and bad for their spine.

@Barnbrack @jannier you will need to catch up on full post to understand context of the full thread.
However it’s pretty much at end of convo my side but will keep it open for anyone who can be bothered to read through it

If you are in the house it’s fine. You can leave a newborn in a cot / crib and leave the room and it’s still fine.

Don't bother even trying @MeridaBrave

That did used to be the advice

To leave them 2 hours? As newborns? That's mad. Has no-one here heard of positional asphyxiation.