13 year old watching newborn

[Newmum99653]

Am I being unreasonable?

I am not comfortable with our 13 year old DSD watching our newborn whilst we do jobs around the house. Personally my priority is the safety of the newborn and anything can happen quickly (choking, falling, suffocating) if not being watched properly. E.g. I came down and DSD was on phone whilst “watching” newborn whilst I was upstairs and DP was in the kitchen.

My DP on the other hand doesn’t see the problem in this at all.

My view is DSD can hold feed cuddle newborn as much as she wants but whilst we are supervising.
Am I being unreasonable?

My DD was 11 when her brother was born. He was a complete Velcro baby and I counted my lucky stars she loved giving him a cuddle as it meant I could get a quick shower, sort the tea. I still Considers this supervised as she’d sit on the bed next to my en-suite or the couch next to the kitchen… she’s now 13 and regularly hangs out with him - I’d never leave the house but she always offers it if I just need to pop the shops, I might when she turns 14.

Massive difference between not leaving the baby alone with nieces and nephews and leaving them alone with their sister. And she's not alone. Unless your house is a mansion your DH was within ear shot
What age is it okay for someone else to be left alone with your baby. 16, 18 , 21? Some 13 year olds are more responsible than some 16 year olds
I don't think you're going to play attention to the answers you've been given though so don't know why you asked.

I used to leave my baby while I took a shower only for like 5/10 minutes, he’s nearly 25 now and absolutely fine, I did used to take his older brother in the bathroom with me though, I didn’t like leaving a three year old alone with him, and he was obviously into everything, but that’s a totally different age, I would have thought a 13 year old would be fine, even if they are on their phone.

It sounds like OP is a first time mum to a small 14 day old baby. It’s clear she’s over anxious, like millions of woman are when they become mums for the first time. Some of the comments are harsh in my opinion!

OP it’s natural and even sensible to be aware of all the things that could happen whilst caring for a newborn but it is totally OK for you or DP to put your newborn down for 5 mins to go and do something that needs doing. I used to leave DS whilst making a tea, lunch, a quick shower, to pop upstairs.

Please make sure you are taking time for yourself too and caring for yourself.

Some young babies are in day nurseries. No nursery has a one to one ratio, so every adult will be supervising more than one child. Impossible to keep eyes on every baby all the time.

My husband went back to work after a week with DC2 and we had no family help. I used to leave my 5yo watching cartoons with the baby in a raised bassinet in the same room (solid thing, huge base, built like a tank) and instructions to come tell me if the baby was crying while I showered for 15 minutes with the door open.

Tbh I never had any concerns. I knew my DC and that he was sensible and not interested in picking up babies and just wanted to watch TV. It's just not the sort of thing he ever would have done. He's always been completely uninterested in babies in general, although he loves his little sister. I know other people who have had difficulties and could not leave older kids alone with babies at all, but I would think most 13yos could be trusted.

@Calmcucumber thank you!
I have realised I have been “OTT” as some put it, but genuinely not with malicious intent as some seem to suggest. I have apologised to my partner and explained why I feel the way I do, and we have gotten over it.

I am indeed a FTM to my most precious belonging and I’m not ashamed of being over careful. I’ve spoken to midwife’s and HV about all and any concerns I have, which I have been reassured is completely normal and not ONCE has it been suggested I have post natal anxiety. But I should have known coming onto a forum, there would be a lot of unqualified doctors ready to diagnose me with something I know I do not have. In fact I’ve been told it’s perfectly normal to feel like this for a few weeks and as I said we are on week 2. Do I have worries, certainly but are they wildly out of control, not at all.

Matter of fact is I have this precious bundle of joy that solely relies on me and my partner to be kept safe and healthy and that’s not a role I take lightly.

Thank you for being so kind ♥️

@PassOnThat no I understand thank you for sharing
I have a mother who used to nanny and has all sorts of horror stories on toddler or younger jealous siblings that have done a whole heap of scary things. Obviously too young to understand what they are doing but have put their little siblings at risk when being left unattended.
Not what I think our 13 year old is doing but I am also aware with young children what can happen when unsupervised. Everyone knows their own situation and what they are comfortable with though

@Newmum99653 . All you can do is risk assess your situation. Many would say to me that 5 is too young to leave a child alone with the baby, but my boy never touched the baby in the bassinet or gave me any other cause for concern. He's sensible, follows instructions and tbh is much more interested in his own activities and what he's doing or building than young babies. I know older children though who can't be left for a minute - they try to pick up babies or kiss them without permission, or are rough with them. And that makes life very hard for the parents.

Personally, I wouldn't let 13yo pick up the baby by herself until the baby has some head control or is sitting up. I think that's a reasonable boundary. I don't see any issue with leaving a sleeping baby in a safe space (crib/bassinet) with a sensible child of that age.

DC2 was crawling from before 6 months so tbh DC1 did a lot of fed-up relocating DC2 off whatever he was playing with. Eventually we used the playpen panels to fence a bit of the living-room off for DC1's toys and that worked better.

Yes 100%! It’s normal, them first few weeks are the hardest. You worry about their sleep, are they breathing, are they getting enough cuddles, I think it’s really unfair for people to say “well they won’t get up and walk will they”

I can’t believe what people are saying to a new mum

You seem intent on thinking your behaviour is normal and anything less is verging on negligence. I have 3 adult DC and one baby GC, so yes i've got DC. Seriously, if you don't relax you'll go insane, your level of anxiety needs addressing.

Her baby is 2 weeks old, myself and my friends all felt this way when baby was really little. It gets better after a few weeks.

But I’m glad you didn’t get this :)

Baby is not 2 weeks old, it's a month old, and the teenager might be a bit older too...

At least, 2 weeks ago her baby was 2 weeks old and get 14 yo SD had just stayed for the first time since having the baby.

I agree with the majority whether the baby is 2 weeks old or 4 weeks old. I think you're being very OTT here. When I opened this, I assumed it was about your teenager taking baby out, or you leaving baby with the teenager whilst you pop to the shops. Not you just being in a different room!

The whole taking the moses basket to the bathroom is far more dangerous than leaving your baby btw. Make the most of the time when you can pop to the loo alone - it won't last!

I'm another one thinking of post natal anxiety.

Sorry, I voted YANBU, because I assumed from the OP the hi.d was 12-18 months or something, but….

If the baby is 14 days old, it cant do anything FFS. Quite frankly, if it’s in a baby bouncer or similar, you can leave it completely unsupervised between feeds if you wanted to.

I’m going to guess this is your first child.

That level of anxiety is over the top. Perhaps have a chat with your gp or health visitor. Congratulations on this birth of your lovely baby boy and good luck getting some sleep

Very good advice

Surely you put the baby to sleep in his bedroom, or out in a pram/stroller in the garden? There is no need for anyone to 'watch' him so long as you're within hearing distance or have a baby monitor.

This is more than wanting your child to be "safe"...dont you think every parent wants that? You don't sound very well with your level of anxiety really

I 🤔 it really depends on the maturity of the 13 year old. I babysat small babies as a 14 year old when the parents were out for the evening. I also cared for an 18 month old for whole days when their parents went up to London

You risk damaging the sibling relationship if you convey to your step daughter that you don't trust her with the baby.

The two of them will be fine together. She's close enough to call out for help. And a tiny baby isn't likely to get into difficulties anyway either being cuddled by someone or in a bouncy chair or on a mat on the floor. Unlike a mobile toddler.

I can understand where you’re coming from to a certain extent. I know when my son was a newborn if I was in bed trying to sleep and I heard him crying I would come down to check on him even though he was with his dad and perfectly fine. It’s natural as a mum to want to be there and know they are safe but you do have to trust other people. A 13 year old in the same room whilst you are in the house would be no concern to me.

may i just check ,what are you leaving your baby in where he is strapped in on his back? Anxiety is normal and common but sometimes it’s hard to see the wood for the trees. I just want to reassure you that babies are safe when they are lying flat on their backs…there is a reflex that helps babies clear their airways . But you shouldn’t be leaving a very young baby to sleep in eg.a car seat or a rocker.

13 is plenty old enough to watch a newborn, you are being unreasonable. It simply isn't possible, or healthy to watch a baby every second- you need to relax, or you baby will finish up as anxious as you are.

I used to put my son in his car seat to sleep, he hated lying down and would cry all night, he only liked being upright, I strapped him in.
Why can’t you put them to sleep in a car seat? He’s 24 now and perfectly healthy.

It restricts their breathing, look it up, they're only meant to be in a car seat for a very limited amount of time in a 24hr period