To think I never want another man?

[Bourneo]

Ok, so I'm on holiday, a little bit tipsy and had the briefest, most fleeting of thoughts... maybe it's time. Maybe I should dip my toe in the water and try online dating again.... before the blood in veins ran cold and I fully considered the horrors that would bring to my peaceful existence.

So go on, hit me with your pros and cons of dating again.

For context, this is purely light hearted. I have a 10 year old, no childcare, narcissist ex, excellent vibrator, my own house and a good career. Plus a cute dog for company. What could a man add to my life besides stress! ? 🤣

I have a few good female friends who feel the same,OP! can’t think of a reason convince them otherwise. They have independence, jobs, kids, good social life, great friends. Conversely my single male friends are desperate to have someone significant in their lives… they really aren’t very good at having as rich social lives for some reason. Have just taken up slightly odd, solitary hobbies and hang out with other blokes …

Widow of 3.5 years here. About a year after he passed people kept asking hopefully if I'd met anyone else, because I was apparently being a bit too Victoria and Albert. So had about 3 forays into checking my 56 year old bits were functioning with "safe" types, no strings attached, and basically decided that actually I don't think any man could fill my late DPs boots in any way. He truly was the love of my life and I feel a bit grubby about my "encounters" now.

Yes, I'm lonely sometimes but I'm lonely for my DP, not just any man. Of course that may change, but honestly the thought of learning another person, wrangling likely baggage - and yes, I have plenty of my own, not to mention having to shave my legs 😅 makes me feel exhausted and daunted.

So, crazy cat lady it is for now, unless someone raises my DP from the grave (which, having read Pet Cemetry is probably not ideal) or there's some other divine intervention that serves up someone just like him. Which would be weird in its own way....

It's weird but I'm kind of nurturing a relationship with myself in my new forced circumstances, and sometimes it's oddly liberating.

😄😄😄

I also think that 'pretty privilege' does have a small amount to do with things. I have never been even passingly pretty, which means that trying out and discarding men was always a risk for me, as men weren't exactly queuing up to date me. If you're plain (or, in my case, downright ugly) then you don't always have the luxury of lots of wonderful, available men to choose from. Add in low self-esteem (which goes hand in hand with not being attractive) and you see how women can have truly dreadful experiences with men.

And single life is just so much more...restful.

I think part of the problem is that particularly after a certain point in life, a lot of the available men are either:

a) divorced, usually for a good reason;
b) never married, usually for a good reason.

Of course there are some exceptions - men who have been widowed, not met the right person, or are divorced through no fault of their own. But the overall pool isn’t great quality.

Why do we start to feel this way, so many women just craving this peace. Even when they're happy in their marriages, knowing that they just wouldn't want another man around. Has it always been that way or is just that we're allowed to say it and feel it now?

This piece of prose so exactly sums it up for me. I think the vast majority of women eventually become resentful of men. Married life/cohabiting life benefits men far more than women. Even in the most progressive households, things are usually organised to benefit the man. The best case scenario is that you find a man with whom you can rub along OK, find companionship and respect.

But even in that scenario, beyond a certain age, there's very little upside to having them. Once you've raised your children and lost interest in sex, they don't bring anything to the party that you wouldn't get from a close friendship, plus they bring a ton of expectation, baggage, request and demands. Cohabitation kills the best of relationships with its mundanities and boredom.

I'm in a fairly good cohabiting relationship with a kind, respectful man who I know loves me. After an abusive marriage, I know I've landed on my feet in many ways and I can't really ask for more. But I still fantasise obsessively about being single, bristle at all the things he won't do with me and find coupled life boring boring boring.

I'm content enough that I rarely think about splitting, and I do appreciate him. But no way would I go looking for another relationship.

What about dating younger men?

I think part of the problem is that particularly after a certain point in life, a lot of the available women are either:
a) divorced, usually for a good reason;
b) never married, usually for a good reason.
Of course there are some exceptions - women who have been widowed, not met the right person, or are divorced through no fault of their own. But the overall pool isn’t great quality.

Oh God no. My puppy training days are over 🤣

Quite. Women can be as awful as men.

I think OLD, not men/women, generally, is the problem here. 🤷‍♀️

I was married, after from being wed at 17, for nearly 28 years. I left because the marriage had run out of steam. No abuse.

I married again, and had a happy long marriage until he died of Covid.

By, chance, on here, I started chatting to a widower.

We are now in a non 24/7 relationship, and very happy.

All 3 men were/are good men. 🤷‍♀️

None came from OLD.

Good men are out there, as are good women. 😊

But that doesn't answer the question about why women prefer to be alone after a certain age? It might explain why some of them are alone non-voluntarily, but not why they are CHOOSING to be single.

If I had to cohabit with someone at gunpoint (an odd situation, I know, but hear me out) then I would far rather cohabit with another woman than a man. I've houseshared with women and men in the past and while women can have many of the downsides of men I've always found them far more amenable and not willfully ignorant of what it takes to run a house.

I wasn't trying to answer that question, to be honest.

I often find that people on here talk about any man in his fifties must be one of the leftovers that nobody wants.

I also think that applies to women too; more often than women would want to admit.

I wonder if the criteria for being 'a leftover' are the same for women as for men.

IMHO leftover men are: unhealthy, very overweight or very skinny, smoking, bad tattoos, missing teeth, having not taken care of themselves and are overweight, nose hair etc., not owning or having a mortgage on a place of their own. Young children in his 50s, too many children from different women. Never had a long-term relationship, mental health issues (hoarding, alcoholism, gaming).

I suggest all those can apply (perhaps not in equal measure) to women, with appearance related issues probably frontloaded (and less nose hair issues).

Yes but chin hair fills the nose hair gap for women…

So your dh is a net negative to you?

The fact is though that nearly 70% of divorces are initiated by women so that would show that there’s more women out there who are happily singje as they get older than men imo.

I can only speak anecdotally but the older single women I know are all well presented, solvent, job, own home, good social life etc and really have reached a stage where they really can’t be arsed dealing with another man.

On line dating was "interesting" I was 55 and children left home so was able to get up to whatever I wanted. Had some really fun dates and some awful ones. Then I met Mr right 7 years ago and married him 3 years ago.

My advice
Don't expect too much..

I think women are socialised to “make the effort” more than men from an early age - certainly the single women I know are better at making themselves content than the single men I know.

I don’t think it’s nice to call anybody a “leftover” - that only applies if you think the only way to be complete is in a relationship. Some of us just suit being single better, it’s not a dig at your choices.

Totally agree. I don't have time nor inclination. Life is full already with job, kids, grandkids, pets.

Maybe if I met someone but after years of abuse and misogyny I still feel traumatised.

Don’t agree at all. Men are more extreme than women in many areas. I think of the single middle aged men and women I know and far more of the women have attempted to maintain a good standard of self care.

Also that 70% thing. Doesn’t that illustrate the OP’s premise. Women just don’t want to put up with it any more. Would rather be alone than in a relationship for the sake of it. Plus it’s just another admin task and women take on more admin.

I’m actually separated and not divorced. He had multiple affairs and marriage was dead. I put up with it until DC were adults. I organised a house sale, found us both a place to live. Organised the finances. I house and support the children. I gave him a lot of advice. He became ill and I continued to support him. He said he would sort and pay for the divorce. That was 2 years ago and he has done nothing.