Sad about wedding

[Anonymous2029]

I’m getting married next week, a registry office. My partner lost his wife 6 years

We have to get married for various legal reasons. I adore my partner and I want to be his wife but I’m feeling so sad about the day (or rather the 10 minute ceremony)

i just feel so sad that his first wife isn’t here and she’s not getting to raise her child. We are having the simplest of vows, no rings. I don’t have a dress, not even a normal dress - I don’t really know what to wear, I was planning on jeans and tshirt.

Our parents are coming because we need witnesses but that’s all.

Ive not planned any music or anything. Everytime I think about the day I just feel overwhelmingly sad and want to just get it over with.

Will I regret it being so sad and simple? I just can’t shake the feeling and get excited

Agh it won't let me edit my post. Ive asked for it to be deleted as I didn't mean any offence. My sentiment was just that they all deserve joy in their lives after what they've been through and so she should try and make it a special day.

You sound so lovely! You go and treat yourself to a nice dress and perhaps think about booking a table or something.
The most important thing is that you’re marrying the right person, which it sounds like you are.
Many congratulations! I hope your marriage is happy and healthy x

You've had some lovely replies here OP. I'm glad you're going to make an occasion of it as you should.

Can I just add - when people die young, they're instantly revered/given Saintly status and all their character flaws/bad behaviours are forgotten and brushed under the rug. Yes it's terribly sad his first wife died, but they may not have made the long haul and stayed together. Their future was cut short but that doesn't mean that you are a second in any way shape or form. You are his future, and you should stand tall and proud. You aren't a consolation prize for him and his daughter. A lot of women would run a mile from that situation, not walk headlong into it.

Good op!! If you want us to post dress ideas do say!!

you will need lovely shoes too.

buy yourself a pretty bunch of flowers for the day too x

Some beautiful blue and white sun dresses on John Lewis website for under £80. Very pretty and wedding appropriate

excited for you!!

You can still get a nice dress and have a lovely day.

my wedding was very simple. My dress was under £100, my wedding ring was paid for with Tesco vouchers, my DH’s was under a fiver from Argos (he was never going to wear it again as he doesn’t wear jewellery). We had a simple cake from a local bakery. We had a buffet reception at a local pub but could easily have just had some food at home. Then we came back to our house and had a few drinks in the garden. We just had parents and siblings. It was a lovely day and I wouldn’t have done it any differently.

Your 6 year old absolutely needs to see this as a celebration. As far as she’s concerned you’re her mum. You don’t want to make her think it’s not a happy event. You’re making her memories.

I’m glad to read this! Buy a wonderful dress, maybe rings? It is a celebration of your family and the future. Have a wonderful day!

My husband was very unwell and we had to cancel our big, planned, wedding and have a quickie cancer wedding because we wanted to be married if he died. We went from 100 guests to 12 (immediate family on both sides). No cake, no first dance, no hen/stag parties etc. Registry office followed by a pub meal. I hated the day and was so sad. Nearly 6 years on I’m still sad about it 😂 I’m glad we’re married (and that he didn’t die, obvs), but I wish we’d had a celebration and not whatever it was we did manage.

I think if you actually WANT to keep it simple then do so, you can always have another celebration later on (if your husband to be is easier to convince of this than mine has been!). But if you think you’ll regret it, then put in some touches that you will find special and look back on fondly. You’re not doing a disservice to his first wife, she would want him (and by extension you), to be happy. Either way it’s a day you’ll remember for the rest of your life, try and make it an positive one x

Please get yourself a nice outfit and a posy of flowers, get your nails and hair done. Book a lunch or dinner for afterwards. This is your wedding, you're not a replacement wife. You deserve to feel special.

I think whatever the legal reasons are, whatever the reason for simplicity is - you are marrying a man you love and will raise a child together that you have given space in your heart for willingly and with the very best of intentions and with respect for the child’s birth mother.
I cannot imagine a more blessed and loving reason to be married - all the church bells tolling and white dresses,buffets,banquets and champagne could not replace this level of love.
The feeling in your heart of,what should be isn’t what is and so you have to adapt and hopefully funds allow for you to have something new to wear on the day and, maybe a bouquet of flowers that you could display in your home and put half at the grave so she shares in your joy?.
Then it’s a day - 24 hours long that passes whatever you’re doing - and maybe, next year or a year or so down the line when things aren’t quite so emotional you can plan a lovely event to renew your vows?.

im wishing you all,health wealth and happiness and a lovely lifetimes together.

That’s lovely, OP. You’ve got your priorities right! It’s ok to celebrate and be happy on your wedding day. You sound like you have a wonderful partnership. The six year old will be excited and as she won’t remember her birth mother, it may be confusing and upsetting for her if you are sad and downbeat on the day. Really don’t wear jeans and a t-shirt. Please make an effort for everyone’s sake, especially your own. You don’t need a big fancy wedding but you do need to mark the occasion and make it a happy day. Could you buy little gifts or cards to give on the day to your DP (soon to be DH) and your DDs? Just write a line or two about how much you love them and how happy you are to be part of their lives. You may surprise yourself with how much joy you feel on the day. It is special and it is emotional. Do buy some flowers, toast the day with a glass of something lovely, and hopefully a celebratory meal. Enjoy knowing the love and security you are bringing to your DD 6 and her father. Encourage them to enjoy the day. The birth mother would want nothing more than for her daughter to have a caring and kind maternal role model. You will have her blessing. You know this because you would want the same for your DC if the roles were reversed. Hope your marriage is long and happy and filled with memories. Sending ❤️

Have you considered a civil partnership rather than a wedding? It will give you the same legal benefits but with a different title so might help you to feel better about it

You are a whole person too, with your own separate needs and wants. Their history is tragic but surely them finding you and building a new life is something worth celebrating? Life is one long series of losses and it’s over so fast. Why would you not grasp the chance to enjoy the rare good stuff with the people you love? I can’t understand your thinking at all, it actually makes me think you’re not ready to marry.

But good luck and I hope you choose to have a fantastic day 🍾

OP you sound absolutely lovely, you have nothing to feel guilty or apologetic for. You're not replacing anyone, you're not stealing anyone else's DH. Yes, it's sad that your DP was widowed, but it's wonderful that you found each other and you have every right to have a gorgeous wedding day. It doesn't have to be flashy or expensive for it to feel special.

A few thoughts...

You can wear a beautiful dress that you feel really special in, it doesn't have to be at all bridey.
Get your hair and nails done too if you'd enjoy that and can afford it. You and the kids could carry a little posy of flowers each, I'm sure they'd love it.

Why no music? Why not at least pick one song that is special to you and your DH, or just a song you both like even if it's not super meaningful.

Why no rings? If you want to exchange rings then you absolutely should. They don't have to be expensive, it's about the gesture.

Do you have a favourite pub or restaurant where you could enjoy a nice meal after the ceremony ? Doesn't have to be anything fancy, just somewhere nice but kid friendly.

Could you not invite a couple of close friends? If not to the actual ceremony then maybe the meal after?

I hope you have found a lovely dress and are feeling a little more positive.
I go to a lot of tiny weddings, many that are driven for practical reasons, but they are still generally happy and positive occasions. They very much reflect the energy that the couple bring to them. They can feel very joyous and full of delight. They are often filled with laughter and can feel more relaxed than a larger, more formal ceremony.
I hope you and your partner find your joy in the day and I wish you both, with your children, the very best.

Your wedding sounds like my dream!

I had the full works, over 100 guest, reception, night doo, the lot.

I’m still, to this day, embarrassed about how much it cost.

I had a nice day but I’d much rather just gone and done it, the two of us, with a couple of witnesses, and a nice restaurant meal after. Done.

I know it is only a week away but do you have time to make some improvements to your wedding day? Buy a new dress, go for a meal etc. Surely your partner realises that you would like and deserve more than the sad little ceremony you have planned.
Very best wishes 🌺

I have a bit of experience of this. I think she'd want you to have a lovely day, whatever that looked like for you.

This l agree make it special for you and your fiance, something you can look back on and don't wish you had made it nicer.

He can do it again with you. Plenty of people remarry after bereavement. Why not get a nice summer dress that you will wear again and some nice sandals. Your parents will want a few pictures and so will his.

firstly why are you getting married? And yes I think you should delay and alter plans if you feel so down about it.

Don’t feel guilty for marrying him. Whatever the circumstances unfortunately his ex wife is not here. Make the most of your day and celebrate your future together

I’m glad you’ve changed your mind about the dress, pick a song, have a few photos and go to a nice restaurant afterwards. It would be nice for your children to see this as a happy occasion.

OP please make the day special - it’s a special day for you, your partner and both your children, even if you’ve decided to keep things simple. I have a work colleague who recently married his partner (and mother of their toddler twins) at a simple registry office wedding, a few weeks before she started her second round of chemo. It’s not really what they would have chosen, but did it ‘just in case’. They planned a bigger celebration once she was well. Unfortunately, that’s not going to happen now as she lost her fight, so that registry office wedding has taken on so much significance. Buy a dress, have your hair done, choose some music. There but for the Grace of God etc…..