For saying Im not auto childcare because I don't have children?

[Trainfortwoplease]

Background - DH and I have been trying for a while with no success, apart from a recent first trimester miscarriage.

We have a trip planned with another 3 couples, which I've really been looking forward to. All other couples have children, ranging from 6 months > 3 years old. Its not our first trip, usually a mix of walks/Sunday lunches and bbqs. It will be the first trip since the latest couple had their first DC. All couples know DH and I are trying.

In the last few weeks there have been comments about how I'll have the job of being responsible and getting all the mums home from the pub, how DH and I can babysit all the kids and let the parents have a night off and I recently found out they are planning a trip for just the other 3 (like a Disneyland), but DH and I aren't invited because "that doesn't seem our thing". We weren't asked, just told.

Today there was another joke that on the upcoming trip I'll be watching the kids while the rest are at the pub. I replied on our group message with "ha ha, no thanks. I might have fertility issues but I still want to enjoy the trip with you all".

My friend has now messaged me separately, saying ive upset her husband (who i was responding too).

I have no plans to apologise, aibu?

If they were all joking about op and her DH babysitting or saying she’ll have to bring all the mums home from the pub, presumably a joke because they might not get out as much and can’t handle the alcohol and then someone throws their fertility issues in their face as a comeback I can see how that would upset someone….. that is of course if it was a joke about babysitting. Only the people in the chat know where it was a joke or wether that’s actually what they were hoping for

I’d just say well I was upset at his comment about being the trip babysitter - I’m not just there for your convenience

Your DH is a good egg and exactly responded perfectly, good on you both for calling out this shithousery. Enjoy your lovely hubby on your break x

Oh op how hurtful of them. Such shabby behaviour. I agree with pp they’ll be messages going on just not with you. I agree go to the Lakes, stunning! Mind you recently been on a cruise and stopped at Stockholm and we loved it.

Brilliant reply, @Trainfortwoplease, and your lovely DH’s was even better. Bologna would be lovely for a city break, or Seville and Granada (the Alhambra gardens are my favourite place on a hot summer’s day!). Wherever you decide to go, I hope you have a wonderful time.
I’m so sorry about your miscarriage. I empathise, it it a horrible experience to go through, particularly afterwards, when all around you, you see families with lovely babies, or pregnant women, happily carrying on their lives, and you just yearn to have a child of your own. I hope you eventually have more success.

YADNBU, what a bunch of insensitive, cheeky fuckers!

I was going to post my 2p then I saw your last message - well done to your DH for sticking up for you so well. Your friends are morons who should be sending you a bottle of wine and a huge bunch of flowers for being such insensitive pricks

Your husband sounds wonderful ! I’m so glad he told them straight how their behaviour has been the upsetting thing not your response - go and have a wonderful weekend

That mustn't have been easy! Well done OP ❤️

Their own joking is about OP’s fertility issues. She is the only one of them who is childless, and they have running jokes that she can then provide the childcare so they can all have time off and enjoy the pub… without her. So, 1) she is being left out of activities and 2) they use the fact that she can’t have kids as a reason that she must be desperate to babysit so they’re acting like they’re doing her a favour.

It’s grotesque and cruel. The OP was not at all out of line to point out that despite having fertility struggles, she doesn’t want to be stuck home with all the kids while they all go out and have fun. It isn’t a chance for her to look after kids, it’s a holiday for her too and they don’t get to monopolise her.

If he is upset at that being pointed out then he shouldn’t be making those jokes in the first place.

Absolutely. It's for them to decide whether they want to come or not but they should be invited. You don't make that decision for them.

I'd guess Greg is getting his ears pinned back for scuppering the free childcare!

I'd choose somewhere in Italy for a city break, myself.

I agree that it is a gamble taking a holiday with other people's kids and even more of a gamble if there is a mix of couples with and without kids

The OP is trying to have a child and has unfortunately not been successful yet, that includes a recent miscarriage. By essentially joking that because the OP is in this situation she and her DH can be babysitters is frankly fucking cruel. They deserve it to be thrown back in their face.

I’m afraid I agree, @ChocolateCinderToffee, and that is why the OP and her DH are well out of this friendship group, they’re not friends at all to behave like that.

Great response OP !!
I can’t believe how insensitive they are !!!
and then the poor offender Geoff bloke !! What a knob !!

don’t subject yourself to this passive aggression ? Any longer !!!

I don’t think I did say op was out of line for saying it, basically said I could see it from both sides

They are bloody rude organising a trip out, but not including you and your husband. I’d be so pissed off with that and the assumptions about you doing childcare I’d be pulling out of the trip.

How on earth can you see it from their side? are you one of the idiots that's going on the trip?

You are much better off out of this rather toxic group of self-centred people. Your husband sounds great - now you just need better friends.

I've been where you are, and remember how difficult it was, even though it was a long time ago and I've got a lovely family now. I hope the same happens for you.

I pull out of the trip op, it sounds bloody awful. Do something else just the two of you.

I think you and your DH are amazing !
have a fantastic weekend break and leave that group chat -
they don’t deserve your headspace 👍

Gregg deserved that hearty kick in his doughnuts. Why do he and his enabler-in-chief think it's a privilege to look after their sprogs? People either have their own children (in which case they are already busy) or they don't, for a variety of reasons which preclude being roped in as free labour.

Vienna is nice and strudel and sachertorte are a cut above Flaky Gregg and Co.

I wouldn’t reply about it being a joke.
I think you need to reply saying that anyone that has expectations about you baby sitting is going to be disappointed.

Oh now I’ve RTFT and your answer was superb and your DH is a star!

I hope you have a great city break together, just the two of you.