For saying Im not auto childcare because I don't have children?

[Trainfortwoplease]

Background - DH and I have been trying for a while with no success, apart from a recent first trimester miscarriage.

We have a trip planned with another 3 couples, which I've really been looking forward to. All other couples have children, ranging from 6 months > 3 years old. Its not our first trip, usually a mix of walks/Sunday lunches and bbqs. It will be the first trip since the latest couple had their first DC. All couples know DH and I are trying.

In the last few weeks there have been comments about how I'll have the job of being responsible and getting all the mums home from the pub, how DH and I can babysit all the kids and let the parents have a night off and I recently found out they are planning a trip for just the other 3 (like a Disneyland), but DH and I aren't invited because "that doesn't seem our thing". We weren't asked, just told.

Today there was another joke that on the upcoming trip I'll be watching the kids while the rest are at the pub. I replied on our group message with "ha ha, no thanks. I might have fertility issues but I still want to enjoy the trip with you all".

My friend has now messaged me separately, saying ive upset her husband (who i was responding too).

I have no plans to apologise, aibu?

Are you serious? Threw her fertility issues in their faces. You must be one of them. @WeekendFreedom Freedom

You dealt with this so well, OP.

Here to say we loved our weekend in Bruges. Hope you both have a lovely trip!

They were clearly joking around because parents don’t have an opportunity to get out and let their hair down much and you responded with a comment about your “fertility issues” which made it clear you the hump.

Also you say you’ve been “trying for a while” but that is entirely different to having fertility issues. Is a whole a few months? A few years? Are you under the care of a fertility specialist? If you’ve just been trying for a few months and no luck so far I think you are being far too sensitive to some parents just making a joke about you needing to drag the Mums out the pub.

Hello Gregg.

So Mrs Gregg (thanks to the pp who monikered that) gave me a thumbs up. That's fine, I know where I stand and can say its probably the end of that friendship. I name changed for this so happy to tell you all the extra g isn't a typo - I think its some weird nickname/allusion to a line from Succession (got to break a few greggs to make a tomelette).

One of the other husbands messaged DH saying they were absolutely mortified, sorry and apologised for being thoughtless. He asked if he and his wife can come round over the weekend to apologise properly, but understand if not.

Radio silence from couple #3.

Its given me what I need to pull away from the group. Im off for a bath and early night (and looking up some of those travel suggestions) but thank you all for giving me the big sister support I needed to take a stand.

Whatever her reasons for not having children she shouldn't be assumed to be the babysitter. If it was a joke ot wasn't funny. OP and her DH are better off out of it

The OP has recently had a miscarriage. Shes not being over-sensitive at all!

It’s only a joke if everyone is laughing. Not at someone’s expense.

Well done you. I know it’s hard but it is important to call people out when they have hurt you. Their reactions are everything you need to know.

Not Gregg, just a grown adult who could say to friends who I’m close enough to holiday with, “Hey guys, I know your just joking around but it’s getting a bit upsetting that you keep pointing out that you guys have kids and I don’t. I know you don’t mean it that way but I’d appreciate it if you could stop with the jokes.”

Sounds like some positive steps tonight OP, and good on your DH for pointing to what was blindingly obvious to the rest of us. Sometimes it takes a bit of a flashpoint for you to know who it is good to have or not have in your life.

Have a good early night and see how the world feels in the morning, sounds like one couple at least have seen the light.

Are they aware of the miscarriage? I’m sure out of the three couples they have a few miscarriages between them themselves.

By overly sensitive I mean that your friends generally don’t intend to cause you upset. They aren’t saying “haha we have kids and you don’t, nah nah nahnahnah”! At worst they are being thoughtless. An adult response would be to tell them so instead.

I think the way you and your DH have handled this has been textbook op.

I’m sorry but if a woman (or man) ever discusses having fertility issues, it is beyond rude to basically ask whether she is exaggerating. I hope you reflect on what you have written and apologise to the OP for being so insensitive. She doesn’t need to justify or clarify her fertility problems to anyone but especially to a stranger on the internet.

Do you want to maintain a friendship with the couple that reached out and apologised for being so thoughtless? Sounds like they really like you both and want to preserve the friendship. Makes the other two couples who haven’t said anything at all look awful. I’d be so mortified and ashamed if I had made one of my friends ever feel like that and would be reaching out to them immediately to apologise!

I don't think it really does change it massively, but yes - we've been trying for years. Im under medical supervision and we both have been told conceiving isn't impossible but will be difficult.
I also have a medical history which puts me at slightly higher risk of a miscarriage and means I may not be eligible for IVF. My miscarriage was within the last month, Im only just starting to feel myself again after what felt like a little miracle chance.

They know this. The recency of the loss is what prompted me to post, in case its my own upset and I was overreacting. Im confident now that I wasn't.

I don't believe either of my responses have been less than grown up/adult. I tried a soft approach initially to put a stop without saying outright it was insensitive. I wanted to give them an out to drop the jokes without a confrontation. I was up front and honest when that was met with more of the same.

I imagine posters repeating your fertility over and over again can't be that fun to read, I apologise if its made it more difficult

They don’t sound like good, supportive friends. I’m sorry they’ve subjected you to this. Mrs Gregg sounds like a self righteous arse. Where do you think you’ll go on your city break?

One of the other husbands messaged DH saying they were absolutely mortified, sorry and apologised for being thoughtless. He asked if he and his wife can come round over the weekend to apologise properly, but understand if not.

Was that posted on the group chat or did he take the coward's route and send it privately?

@Trainfortwoplease - you don't owe anyone on here an explanation. Simply saying you were struggling to conceive/with fertility should have been enough for PP to have some compassion.

But given your fuller explanation, it's even more inconceivable that so-called friends would make jokes about it.

I'm glad one couple has reached out to apologise - whether you choose to continue that friendship is up to you, don't feel as if you have to.

I think your initial response in the group chat was subtle yet clear - you've done nothing wrong here, and your DH is a star for speaking up after you received the text.

Well Im just about to pop into the bath but I was really intrigued by Belgrade. Im hoping to find out more about it, hopefully without dropping my phone in. This is the first bath Ive been able to take in a while so to be honest Im really looking forward to that in itself!

wow. A thumbs up. What a cunt.

Their attitude and expectations of babysitting would be completely unacceptable even if it was with someone who was child free by choice. That you are experiencing fertility issues (very sorry you are going through this) makes it unforgivable. Well done both of you for pushing firmly back on this.

I would reply

‘Sorry my heartbreaking fertility issues are upsetting for Greg’

Get a grip Greg.