For saying Im not auto childcare because I don't have children?

[Trainfortwoplease]

Background - DH and I have been trying for a while with no success, apart from a recent first trimester miscarriage.

We have a trip planned with another 3 couples, which I've really been looking forward to. All other couples have children, ranging from 6 months > 3 years old. Its not our first trip, usually a mix of walks/Sunday lunches and bbqs. It will be the first trip since the latest couple had their first DC. All couples know DH and I are trying.

In the last few weeks there have been comments about how I'll have the job of being responsible and getting all the mums home from the pub, how DH and I can babysit all the kids and let the parents have a night off and I recently found out they are planning a trip for just the other 3 (like a Disneyland), but DH and I aren't invited because "that doesn't seem our thing". We weren't asked, just told.

Today there was another joke that on the upcoming trip I'll be watching the kids while the rest are at the pub. I replied on our group message with "ha ha, no thanks. I might have fertility issues but I still want to enjoy the trip with you all".

My friend has now messaged me separately, saying ive upset her husband (who i was responding too).

I have no plans to apologise, aibu?

Gosh. You and you husband sound like utter saints to have put up with your ‘friends’ comments. The lack of care and understanding is astonishing. I’d say take this as a win, that these people are no longer part of your life - they sound at best thoughtless (which isn’t a defence IMO) and at worst needlessly cruel.

enjoy your city break. Sending love. Infertility is a horrible lonely journey - but know there is a big online community of support in Mumsnet and elsewhere.

Too late now, but I'd have responded 'Greg can't be any more upset than I've been by his joke' and leave it there.

As the childless one in a group of friends, I completely understand where you’re coming from and I think you have been very patient and kind to let the jokes slide until now. They’ve taken it too far.

I have had a friend from my group say comments such as “when you finally have a baby it will be our turn to laugh at you when you’re up all night!”. I asked her when have I ever laughed at you? She went a bit red and mumbled something and said “well I don’t mean laughed…..”. Same friend also once said she expects an apology when I have a child because “you just don’t get it” unless you’ve had one!
Well obviously! No one truly knows what it means to have a child until they have one. Again when confronted and asked “so you apologised to all your friends with children after you gave birth for not understanding what it means to have a child?” Again, mumbled, face down answer. I have distanced myself from- I see her in the group, not on own.

I really feel for you OP. You’re right to step back. Children aside, the fact that they can all openly take the kick out of you but then be so “upset” when you make you’re own joke shows that the friendship is one sided and not worth your effort. You’re worth more than that OP and I hope things work out for you.

The OP's post of 18.01 yesterday makes it clear that this has happened before.

Well done OP.

And fair play to the couple who apologised straight away.

Having your say, as you did, gives people the chance to listen, realise, and change, as they have hopefully done.

I think it also shows that those two value your friendship enough to have listened and want to make amends.

I hope you enjoyed your bath and slept well.

I’d go to Seville… or Budapest….but maybe not in the heat of summer.

I’m glad one couple were mortified and want to apologise properly. Hopefully that friendship can be salvaged

Mrs Gregg should be utterly ashamed of herself - firstly for being dim enough in the first place to send the message about Mr Gregg feeling upset and secondly for then giving you just a thumbs up for what was a difficult and heartfelt message. Mr Gregg is an idiot.

Hopefully you’ll be able to salvage something from the couple who apologised.

I’ve been having lots of chats about friendship with my 9yo recently. One of the main themes is that your friends are supposed to make you feel good. You have a choice to see these people or not and if they don’t make you happy disengage.

I’m so sorry, OP. I just can’t get over that these people knew you were having fertility struggles and knew you had a miscarriage in the last month and yet were carrying on about you being childfree and on tap babysitting for them. That’s truly vile behaviour.

I hope you enjoyed your bath and have a wonderful time on your city break.

Utterly rude and insensitive. I hope you have a fantastic city break.

I initially thought YABU

But after reading additional posts I think you're not.

If they were already aware of fertility issues, they should be sensitive

I just wanted to say your husband is a keeper. We hear so often on here, sorry tales where the husband hasn’t got his wife’s back, or doesn’t support her, so we’ll done him.

And I’m sorry for your recent loss. Miscarriage is terribly sad.

The Greggs sound shallow and self-centred with no capacity to self-reflect. They’re not people you need in your life. I hope The Mortifieds come through and meet with you this weekend, if you’re up to it.
In the meantime, enjoy looking at city breaks. We were in Rome last year and loved it, although summer in Rome is hot, hot, hot.

No need to double check, YADNBU. Gregg needs to grow a pair.

Your “friends” sound selfish and inconsiderate. Ask yourself this: will going on this trip bring you happiness at all? If not, don’t go. Life’s too short to do things that will make you stressed and upset.

So these very close friends just suddenly turned and became jaw droppingly rude and thoughtless?

The OP's post of 18.01 yesterday makes it clear that this has happened before.

Sorry your friends are dicks

I visited Belgrade last October. It's a fascinating place with a complex history and I really recommend it

and yet…. Thought great idea to go on a group holiday with them?

Hope you can maintain a friendship with the couple who have reflected and apologised.
The others aren’t worthy of your time and aren’t friends, they sound like selfish thoughtless users.
Enjoy your holiday away from this group of people.

They were taking the kids with them on the trip, op and DH were just not invited because they don’t have kids

So, so sorry for what you have been through. Your bil is an entitled, heartless idiot

Still makes zero sense that they didn’t at least say this was an idea and ask if OP and DH fancied it or would like the day away from the group. Since when have adults not been allowed to go to theme parks unless they have kids??

This was a group holiday with plans as a group. as they have done previously. It’s pretty disgusting to plan something that excludes one couple without even talking about it. If you can’t see that then I really feel you need to take a moment to think about your own behaviour.

Some parents assume child-free people are just desperate for time spent looking after other peoples DC.

Or even if they don't, just assume that the child-free people will want to 'help out and give the parents a break so they can enjoy themselves too'.

Read her post; it gives an account of her thinking at the time.

Either way they should have been asked if they wanted to come and then they would have been free to accept or decline.

Did I say I can see that or agree with them not asking or did I just point out to the poster what they were planning so they had correct information?