For saying Im not auto childcare because I don't have children?

[Trainfortwoplease]

Background - DH and I have been trying for a while with no success, apart from a recent first trimester miscarriage.

We have a trip planned with another 3 couples, which I've really been looking forward to. All other couples have children, ranging from 6 months > 3 years old. Its not our first trip, usually a mix of walks/Sunday lunches and bbqs. It will be the first trip since the latest couple had their first DC. All couples know DH and I are trying.

In the last few weeks there have been comments about how I'll have the job of being responsible and getting all the mums home from the pub, how DH and I can babysit all the kids and let the parents have a night off and I recently found out they are planning a trip for just the other 3 (like a Disneyland), but DH and I aren't invited because "that doesn't seem our thing". We weren't asked, just told.

Today there was another joke that on the upcoming trip I'll be watching the kids while the rest are at the pub. I replied on our group message with "ha ha, no thanks. I might have fertility issues but I still want to enjoy the trip with you all".

My friend has now messaged me separately, saying ive upset her husband (who i was responding too).

I have no plans to apologise, aibu?

That's not what I was responding to, it was something else in the OP. But also I didn't get that impression that they had all planned to do something and for OP and her DH to babysit. It sounded more like just a joke, we'll go to the pub and you can look after the kids ha ha (Not saying it was a funny joke, but it does all seem blown out of proportion and this is why it's better to have a conversation than do all this stuff by text).

Totally agree with this

Hey just popping on to say you are better off without these so-called friends.
I have had two miscarriages and my daughter from my first marriage died from cancer so I am child less, but that didn't stop my BIL,moaning about his 4 kids, saying to me and my DH., you are lucky not to have kids, that hit me in the heart.
I hope you have a baby soon and don't worry about those arseholes they just wanted you to babysit for them.

Presumably very close and long standing friends of holidaying with them?

and this is the first time these views have come apparent?

Mr & Mrs Gregg = twats. Totally tone deaf.

The couple who have apologised, seems sincere and might be worth saving.

I just can't believe all this childcare chat has been mooted when they know you are having fertility issues and they know you've had a miscarriage - what cunts!

I have had a few miscarriages and I have to say some people are just so fucking clueless of what you go through and how rubbish and drained it makes you.

Hope you have a lovely break with your brilliant DH

In that case you are being disingenuous by claiming that you are only trying to see it from both sides. You are already aware of OP's ongoing health and fertility issues but appear to agree that your desire for a break from childcare trump's any requirement for the OP to be treated with sensitivity and compassion by her 'friends', hence ongoing tone deaf 'jokes'.

The lack of empathy and self awareness is staggering and illustrated by your grotesque comment referencing "someone throws their fertility issues in their face as a comeback" when the OP finally asks you to stop, in what most people agree, was a very measured response.

Your response was perfection op, measured, calm and to the point. I’m so glad your dh has your back, and I hope their children moan and whine at them for every second of their pub night and most of the trip. I wouldn’t be surprised if Gregg mcgreggface frequently assumes his wife is the childcare and she wants to pass some of it off so now he’ll be planning to head to the pub with some of the others leaving her with the baby/dc and she knows it. But I don’t have sympathy for women who chuck other women under the bus and can’t even apologise when it’s called out.
Have the other couple over and stay friends with them :) Don’t hold it against them for not saying it on the chat or pulling out themselves.

It didn’t seem like a joke at. All.

MinnieBaldock

Sorry for your loses.
Your bil is awful

Please do not go on this trip!

Your dh is a good egg. Unlike GrEgg and Mrs Rotten egg.
💐for you. I hope you can sort yourselves out an alternative trip somewhere nice and relaxing.

Your braver than me op. I couldn’t imagine anything worse than hanging out with other people’s children let alone over nights. He was being blatantly cheeky and you called him out on it, well done. Why would they assume you would babysit?! Because you get more sleep? Hell no!

Then why did the others exclude OP and her DH from a planned day trip on the holiday - they weren’t asked if they wanted to go along, they were told they weren’t invited. And why, when OP responded in the negative to comments on the group chat about her babysitting on the holiday, did one of the husbands take offence ? These people were clearly paving the way for OP to be the resident babysitter.

He can dish it out, but can’t take anything being said back in return. I don’t use this word lightly - he’s a cunt!

This. I wouldn't even go.

Having read your updates, they're not good friends except maybe that one couple. You seem to have won in the husband department, though! Enjoy him and your city break.

@Trainfortwoplease

I’m sorry, I haven’t read the whole thread but I’ve read your comments, and I just wanted to add my support. Well done for standing up for yourselves. They do not sound like good friends or even decent people, save for the one who messaged your husband to apologise. You might be able to salvage a friendship with them.

I hope you and your husband have a fabulous trip away, and I wish you all the best in your fertility journey ❤️

The deserves to be quoted/ reposted! 🤣

what a great comment. You don’t need rotten eggs like these in your life, op!

I just cant get my head around the thought process.

Hey, I know youve been told you may not be able to have children, you're getting medical help to try now and youve experienced losses so I was thinking you'd love to look after my children while I booze it up because you can experience a bit of what you dont have, what youve lost and what you might never have. Aren't I kind. No need to thank me.

🤦‍♂️

I think that's a bit of a stretch I don't think OP babysitting was part of some grand plan. Greg is obviously a dick. I do think it would be weird to invite OP and for OP to want to go to Disneyland with 3 other families with kids, I don't think there's anything sinister in that.

OP has confirmed that she and her DH have been trying to have a baby for years and that the miscarriage was only last month, which these 'friends' knew about.

What sort of people joke about a woman looking after their kids when they know that she has recently miscarried after trying for years to get pregnant?

They sound like utter cunts, with a possible exception of the DH of the couple who has contacted OP's DH to say that he is mortified and has asked if he and his wife can come round to apologise. At least they have acknowledged the hurt that they have caused.

Fuck them. Find some new freinds. Easier said than done but you are young so go to it.

At the time I was trying to conceive and experiencing miscarriage after miscarriage (including a highly traumatic ectopic pregnancy), it felt like all my friends, family and work colleagues were constantly getting pregnant. It was such a hard time for me, so I understand how you might be feeling. But it was difficult even with most people around me being fairly sensitive! There was the odd thoughtless comment here and there that hurt at the time, but looking back I can see they weren't being malicious, just clueless. However, what you've experienced from this group of 'friends' is something else! Gregg and Mrs Gregg sound like a pair of twats! Good for you for standing your ground, calling out their terrible behaviour and making the decision to step away. And well done to your DH too for doing the same! I know I'm just an internet random, I'm proud of both of you for doing this.

If you can't tell your friends they've hurt you, even if it was unintentionally, without them behaving like defensive petulant children in response instead of apologising and owning their mistakes, it's better not to have people like this in your life. It's good your other friends want to make amends. But in the case of Mr and Mrs Gregg, it looks like the trash took itself out!

Just to add, make sure you look after yourself. You're going through a lot and most people won't understand how much it hurts. I'm so sorry to hear you've experienced this recent pregnancy loss💐I wish you and your wonderful DH all the best and have a brilliant time away to wherever you decide to go to instead ❤️

I'm a parent of two small children who I often look after solo. I'm absolutely exhausted and would love a break. Despite that I would NEVER be so rude to assume that a childless friend should look after my kids on a holiday even without the disgusting insensitivity around the fact that you have fertility issues. I think you're spot on when you say they weren't 'jokes' but them being CFs. How bloody dare they?! I hope you give the couple a chance whose DH apologised - sounds like he/they were just being dim. But the others can fuck right off.