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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For saying Im not auto childcare because I don't have children?

598 replies

Trainfortwoplease · 25/07/2025 17:23

Background - DH and I have been trying for a while with no success, apart from a recent first trimester miscarriage.

We have a trip planned with another 3 couples, which I've really been looking forward to. All other couples have children, ranging from 6 months > 3 years old. Its not our first trip, usually a mix of walks/Sunday lunches and bbqs. It will be the first trip since the latest couple had their first DC. All couples know DH and I are trying.

In the last few weeks there have been comments about how I'll have the job of being responsible and getting all the mums home from the pub, how DH and I can babysit all the kids and let the parents have a night off and I recently found out they are planning a trip for just the other 3 (like a Disneyland), but DH and I aren't invited because "that doesn't seem our thing". We weren't asked, just told.

Today there was another joke that on the upcoming trip I'll be watching the kids while the rest are at the pub. I replied on our group message with "ha ha, no thanks. I might have fertility issues but I still want to enjoy the trip with you all".

My friend has now messaged me separately, saying ive upset her husband (who i was responding too).

I have no plans to apologise, aibu?

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 25/07/2025 23:40

Just set your own boundaries before the trip. They can assume and hint all they want, but they have to have your agreement first. If when you’re on holiday they suggest they go somewhere and you babysit, just smile and firmly say you and your dh have plans. You’re treated how you allow yourself to be treated. My guess is that it was just a clumsy attempt at humour by your friends, and they simply won’t just leave the kids with you and go off. I can’t imagine that anyone would do this.

saraclara · 25/07/2025 23:46

One of the other husbands messaged DH saying they were absolutely mortified, sorry and apologised for being thoughtless. He asked if he and his wife can come round over the weekend to apologise properly, but understand if not.

I hope you feel able to meet with that couple @Trainfortwoplease . That seems a very genuine message, and it would be a shame to lose this entire group of friends. Obviously Gregg and Mrs Gregg can do one, but presumably you do otherwise like this couple? Also it's not a bad idea for one couple to shame the others.

ItsameLuigi · 25/07/2025 23:51

Arlanymor · 25/07/2025 18:13

Old Gregg sounds like he is a sandwich short of a picnic - does he like Baileys?

But joking aside - this is your holiday, you and your partner are not a two-person creche for the others to take advantage. Joking or not - they seem to have made several comments along these lines and you are well within your rights to make things clear from the start. I don't think you came across harsh at all - you said 'Ha ha' at the start of your message didn't you? Should have been obvious to anyone.

I might be reconsidering the holiday if CFs take offence at literally nothing and are booking excursions without the courtesy of asking others on the holiday if they wish to go along or not. They seem very self-centred as I have to say - do they usually thing the world revolves around them?

Only from a shoe id assume

ItsameLuigi · 25/07/2025 23:56

Enjoy your break! You and your DH dealt with this so well as a team. Hope it all works out for you both and you get everything you dream of in life xx🤞🏻

Suednymph · 26/07/2025 00:04

Just when I think people cannot possibly get more insensitive they go to lengths like this. They know you have had a miscarriage and make jokes about your being childless. I am stunned. Horrible people.

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/07/2025 00:19

Why on earth would you be looking after their kids while they all go to the pub

FreezeDriedStrawberries · 26/07/2025 00:19

In the last few weeks there have been comments about how I'll have the job of being responsible and getting all the mums home from the pub, how DH and I can babysit all the kids and let the parents have a night off and I recently found out they are planning a trip for just the other 3 (like a Disneyland), but DH and I aren't invited because "that doesn't seem our thing". We weren't asked, just told
The only acceptable response to that is to assume they're joking so laugh and say "get stuffed' 😁
If you get blank looks back say "oh, you're actually being serious?! Erm, yeah...no."
Cheeky fuckwits.

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/07/2025 00:21

Glad one couple said sorry

ReadingTime · 26/07/2025 00:24

That’s good that one couple have responded in a good way. Mrs Gregg sounds like an absolute nightmare, so it will probably be much more enjoyable just socialising with the nice couple and forgetting about the group dynamic.

Internaut · 26/07/2025 00:33

I'd still love to hear the "justification" for Gregg being upset, but I suppose you never will. He sounds a really self-centred twat.

Isitreallysohard · 26/07/2025 00:38

NotDarkGothicMama · 25/07/2025 17:40

If your friends think you're going as babysitters then I'd bow out and make your own plans to have fun with your DH.

This. I'm impressed you'd want to go on this trip with so many kids, I can't think of anything worse! They might be politely testing so it's good you've been upfront. I've done this myself, with my DHs two best friends, I have a 3yo, one childless and one couple with an older child they have occasionally so I laughed and said that would be great you can look after DC sometimes, and she was like we'd love that. So I don't think it's bad, but maybe they were just seeing of it was an option. I also think you're being overly sensitive about the Disney type trip and not sure why you'd want to join, unless this group does everything together. Obviously Greg is a dick, I'd ask him to be specific exactly what he was upset about. If he has to explain it, it will highlight what a dick he is.

Wadadli · 26/07/2025 00:41

Tatemoderndrawyourown · 25/07/2025 20:55

Enjoy the bath.
What a bunch of entitled prices.
i can’t be bothered scrolling all the way up to see when you were planning to go on holiday, but I have a house in the Italian Alps. Happy for you to use it. Tell your ‘friends’ that you are off to Italy. You need a car. Closer airport… Venice.

How kind 💐

Isitreallysohard · 26/07/2025 00:48

Sorry posted too early without reading all of OPs updates. This is why texting is such a bad idea!! I actually think this has all blown up out of proportion, and I suspect radio silence as the other two couples feel you have overreacted and now they feel awkward about it all, and I'd imagine if they were your friends they haven't been making fun of you not having children, even though obviously they've been insensitive, and initiated the whole debacle with Greg being a dick. The best thing for everyone to do of course would be to apologise but that doesn't happen if someone feels wrongly accused of something. The friendship sounds over, great that that the other friends have said sorry and I hope you continue being friends with them. It's good you were upfront about how you felt rather than going along with it and called Greg out for his BS. Enjoy your trip with DH.

angelco · 26/07/2025 01:01

Whoooo in the right mind would be so confident in saying that their friend could babysit without it being offered fertility issues or not! I wouldn’t be going on the trip xxx

Elmaas · 26/07/2025 01:50

OP, toxic twats.
Cut them loose.
Your husband is a star.
Wishing you well.
Don't doubt yourself.

Kisskiss · 26/07/2025 01:52

Trainfortwoplease · 25/07/2025 17:54

The message from my friend read "Hey, are you still planning to go to X's tomorrow? I know you won't have meant to come off so sharp but Gregg is upset by your message. Ive told him you won't have meant any harm."

I haven't replied, because whilst I don't want to fall out I feel that if anyone wanted an apology it should be me. In all honesty I am starting to worry about the trip. I needed a double check in case my own feelings about my fertility issues were giving me a skewed perception but the replies here have reassured me that it really isn't me causing the issue.

They’ve got some nerve. If they think you were being sharp then they must realise their joke could be a bit off the mark and way insensitive. He wants an apology? And your friend is backing him up?? Do the others agree with them? If they do I just wouldn’t go tbh

2021x · 26/07/2025 02:19

Read all of your responses and as a childless woman, and can concur that there is an assumption that I exist to provide childcare for other people’s children.

Even if the parent is there. I was ghosted by a close friend because I said I would be happy to catch up a time at a time she didn’t have her toddler with her.

So happy that you are spending time with each other rather than being on edge.

Xx

Sodthesystem · 26/07/2025 02:25

A trip where everyone has young kids sounds like hell. Even if they weren't a bunch of selfish wankers.

ohnotthisagain2025 · 26/07/2025 02:46

Trainfortwoplease · 25/07/2025 18:33

Well as I wrote out my message above, my DH has sent a message to the group. It basically says that jokes like Greggs have been tasteless, while I might have the patience of a saint this was his last straw and we'll be pulling out of the trip.

He's normally so measured, but I think knowing its really gotten to me tipped him over.

@alcoholnightmare thats my worry. I actually love their kids, and it feels like now no matter what I do it will be awkward.

It's great your husband said this, their "jokes" were pretty unbelievably lacking in any kind of compassion tbh and you absolutely DID have to make it clear you weren't their dogsbody and unpaid nanny. Good for him, and good for you.

Just think, if his ridiculous wife hadn't had the absolute audacity to ask for an apology because you dared stick up for yourself against an onslaught of rude comments, nothing more might have been said about it. And if he had the tiniest vestige of self awareness he could have simply apologised and it would all have been ok, as you are clearly a calm person who is not easily offended.

This is one of those cases where you are right, and they are wrong and whatever you choose to do about that is fine.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 26/07/2025 03:21

Hope you are ok op… I’ve read all your posts and am still sitting here in shock of how callous l, selfish and cruel your “friends” are!!! They are disgusting - well done on your DH calling them out.

Stephenra · 26/07/2025 03:22

LucyMonth · 25/07/2025 20:10

They were clearly joking around because parents don’t have an opportunity to get out and let their hair down much and you responded with a comment about your “fertility issues” which made it clear you the hump.

Also you say you’ve been “trying for a while” but that is entirely different to having fertility issues. Is a whole a few months? A few years? Are you under the care of a fertility specialist? If you’ve just been trying for a few months and no luck so far I think you are being far too sensitive to some parents just making a joke about you needing to drag the Mums out the pub.

You might wanna be careful with the 'being far too sensitive' schtick there Lucy. This is the numero uno comeback rolled out by narcissists and bullies when their callous remarks and insensitive jokes fail to land.

You might want to look it up. Doubt if you will though. You sound too self-absorbed, like the OP's ex-buddies.

echt · 26/07/2025 03:54

I also think you're being overly sensitive about the Disney type trip and not sure why you'd want to join, unless this group does everything together

If you read the OP's posts, you'll see that they've had a number of trips as a group. Making the OP's decision for her by citing reasons that have never been canvassed is rude.

bringonyourwreckingball · 26/07/2025 04:48

Well they sound like a bunch of arseholes and you are well rid. Can I suggest Warsaw for your city break? I had a fab trip there with dd2 last October and we both said we would love to go back in the summer months.

Isitreallysohard · 26/07/2025 05:05

echt · 26/07/2025 03:54

I also think you're being overly sensitive about the Disney type trip and not sure why you'd want to join, unless this group does everything together

If you read the OP's posts, you'll see that they've had a number of trips as a group. Making the OP's decision for her by citing reasons that have never been canvassed is rude.

No it's not. It's a Disney type trip and maybe they want to go OTT on kids stuff, you don't have to be invited to everything and you also don't need to read too much into everything. It's perfectly OK to fo different things with different groups of people.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 26/07/2025 05:17

Isitreallysohard · 26/07/2025 05:05

No it's not. It's a Disney type trip and maybe they want to go OTT on kids stuff, you don't have to be invited to everything and you also don't need to read too much into everything. It's perfectly OK to fo different things with different groups of people.

Show quote history

No they were expecting the parents to go on the day trip and op and husband to stay and look after all the kids …. Her “friends “ are a bunch of CF’s

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