For saying Im not auto childcare because I don't have children?

[Trainfortwoplease]

Background - DH and I have been trying for a while with no success, apart from a recent first trimester miscarriage.

We have a trip planned with another 3 couples, which I've really been looking forward to. All other couples have children, ranging from 6 months > 3 years old. Its not our first trip, usually a mix of walks/Sunday lunches and bbqs. It will be the first trip since the latest couple had their first DC. All couples know DH and I are trying.

In the last few weeks there have been comments about how I'll have the job of being responsible and getting all the mums home from the pub, how DH and I can babysit all the kids and let the parents have a night off and I recently found out they are planning a trip for just the other 3 (like a Disneyland), but DH and I aren't invited because "that doesn't seem our thing". We weren't asked, just told.

Today there was another joke that on the upcoming trip I'll be watching the kids while the rest are at the pub. I replied on our group message with "ha ha, no thanks. I might have fertility issues but I still want to enjoy the trip with you all".

My friend has now messaged me separately, saying ive upset her husband (who i was responding too).

I have no plans to apologise, aibu?

Right? It’s laughable really.

So Mrs Gregg (thanks to the pp who monikered that) gave me a thumbs up.

Mrs Gregg is a snarky bi-atch. What an insensitive bunch.

Enjoy the city break @Trainfortwoplease and I’d poss also accept the apol from the couple who reached out, that was decent behaviour.

Yes

Well they are total assess. Im guessing they know you have fertility problems and the tasteless jokes about looking after the kids
Im glad one couple have reached out. Shows they are true friends and willing to admit mistakes and make amends

Will you see the couple that have reached out to you. I know they’ve been insensitive but it sounds like they are trying to put that right.

You've done exactly the right thing, and your husband sounds great.

Have a wonderful mini break x

This ^.

If they've genuinely found this thread.. fuck off Mr and Mrs Gregg. You're the worst.

I dont have kids. Have been away with groups of friends before. None of them would treat me like this. They are being assholes and now your DH magnificently called them out on it, I bet they are running in circles to prove it is a you problem and not a them problem.

Sorry, seems like your friendship group just got smaller, but also seems like that might take some toxicity out of your life.

This is so sad OP. Firstly I’m very sorry for your miscarriage, it must be so raw and I hope you are being very gentle with yourself. Secondly, I’m appalled at your friend texting you to say her bloody DH is upset! Even if he was upset, the absolute balls on her to text you that.

I would try and give the couple of who have offered genuine apologies another chance, if you want to. Sometimes we genuinely don’t realise how our words have upset someone and it sounds like they really want to make amends. As for the others…I wouldn’t waste your time.

I’d really recommend Barcelona or Lisbon for lovely city break, both also are only a super short train ride from a lovely beach (Cascais for Lisbon and Barcelona has its own beach!)

What a bunch of entitled weirdos. The whole trip sounda horrendous if thats what they are expecting of you. It is actually incredibly insensitive to be even jokikg about these things when they know tou have fertility issues.
I would reply to the friend and tell her that you have actually been very hurt by the constant jokes yourself but didnt want to uoset the group but the last comment was the straw that broke the camels back. Then I would probably back out. A holiday with multiple children when you havent got any is actually not even fun.
And another thing, why are they only joking about you being the nanny, sexist twats.

Joking that you and your dh can babysit while they go to the pub? Sounds like they were def trying it on to see if you'd offer.
Booking a theme ark excursion without you because you don't have kids? Didn't even ask you?
Another round of babysitting jokes/hints?

Fuck 'em.

I’m going to apologise on behalf of anyone who made you feel like you have to explain or justify your fertility issues (just in case they don’t get round to it).

You’re an amazing person for answering them with such personal information (rather than telling them to f right off) and have shown grace and maturity at every point in this situation.

If you actually are then you really need to reflect on making jokes about someone's infertility, especially when they've recently had a heartbreaking loss. If you truly think her infertility is being "thrown in your face" then you are a terrible friend.

Wow so the OP has to accept jokes at her expense (a losing situation), but then if she doesn't (confrontation is also difficult and losing) then someone will be overly sensitive and have a go at her - also losing. So you're in a lose-lose-lose situation. Honestly so cross for you OP.

Really can't stand people who are immediately defensive when pointed out they're in the wrong, instead of being able to take a good look at their behaviour and maybe admit they're not perfect.

If any of them are on this thread, thank goodness you're so lucky in life and try being nice for once!

I'm so sorry about your miscarriage. Fertility struggles are challenging enough without the insensitivity of others.

You and your DH (one seems like a good one - rare on MNs!) are so much better off without these assholes in your life.

I wouldn't bother too much with apology couple either. If they weren't assholes, there wouldn't be anything to apologise for.

As for your holiday....Dubrovnik and all of Croatia is fabulous, Montenegro is stunning, lots of Austria & Switzerland are wonderful and Iceland is great if your looking for something very different.

I think I would hear out the couple who want to apologise, they've obviously not realised how insensitive they've been and now that it's been point out they are probably feeling extremely guilty, which should be the normal response in this situation. Unfortunately the other two couples are obviously arseholes and you're better off without them in your life.

@Trainfortwoplease i don’t know if I love you or your husband more. So refreshing on here to find a DH who has his wife’s back. I’d give couple 2 a chance but apart from that I’d sack the whole lot off x

I think I would hear out the couple who want to apologise, they've obviously not realised how insensitive they've been

How could they not though?

Even if Op & her husband were childfree by choice-if they wanted to babysit they would offer!

Well that's embarrassing for him. That would really piss me off. I'd probably reply "really? Why". Having to explain it, might make her realise what an absolute wet wipe he is.

He's the insensitive one, which is odd because he's a fragile little thing himself, so he should watch his tongue.

So proud of you and your DH for ditching these smug wankers.

@Trainfortwoplease well done to you and DH for being with you. The complete CFs! And I’m glad the other couple were decent enough to be mortified. Completely agree the insensitivity is with them asking you to babysit and excluding you from part of the trip. Raging on your behalf, they are out of order.

It might just be one of those dynamics, sometimes it happens in groups where jokes can get very close to the bone and things can escalate and people don't realise they're going too far.

I completely agree! OP's husband sounds amazing!

I’m still f(l)ailing to see what upset Gregg in the first place? The fact that OP didn’t instantly jump at his kind offer for her and her DH to babysit his and the others’ offspring whilst the other three couples had a night away from their children? Her response wasn’t remotely “sharp”, it was very good humoured in the circumstances, and also, factual.
I’m still fuming about this horrible behaviour. Though I’m another who might consider giving the couple who apologized a second chance.