To be too scared to go to the doctors about this?

[BertieRosie]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 3 years. For most of that time, we haven’t been necessarily ‘trying’ for a baby, but we have certainly not been avoiding it. I am not and never have been on any contraception.
I am worried about why nothing has ever happened, I’ve had a couple of times where my period has come late, so I have done a pregnancy test, and once there seemed to be very faint lines. However, clearly, nothing has ever ever come of it.
I am terrified to go to the doctors and find out that something is wrong with me, and that I will never have children, it is my biggest wish.
My parents had me with IVF, so this causes me even higher concern.

Sorry? We’ve been together for those 3 years… I don’t see how our age makes it any different than an older couple doing the same?

So you're 21 or 22. You met as teens.
You presumably have jobs or careers?
How would you plan to support a baby if one came along?
Does your boyfriend wat to be a father at 21/22?

Do you have your own housing? Are you both financially independent?
I'm sorry but I think you are both very irresponsible.

The fact you've not conceived may be nothing to do with you; your boyfriend may be infertile.

You need to grow up a bit and realise having a baby is not just a matter of chance but a planned choice .

End of lecture.

With my husband for years having unprotected sex and nothing happened, then we started actually trying (health kick and supplements) and had two babies in two years when I was 34 and 35. I also have PCOS - diet and exercise impact my PCOS significantly.

I wouldn’t worry too much unless you have been actively trying to be honest. It sounds kind of vague what you are doing.

The NHS will not offer fertility testing for someone aged 21/22, with a boyfriend the same age, who is not actively trying to conceive.

Some posters are living on Cloud 9.

There is a big difference between not getting pregnant and actively making a decision to have a baby.

Hi op
hopefully can help a bit- I was conceived via IVF, then needed IvF eventually to get pregnant (older than you - age 30 at the time) and am also a GP.
I think like others have said it does depend on timing etc and how often having sex- just because it’s been three years doesn’t mean there is an issue. If missing the 5 days of the month where you can get pregnant it may be why nothing has ever happened . even if hitting these days there is still only about a 30% chance of pregnancy. Most couples your age would get pregnant within 6-12 months of having regular (every 2-3 days) unprotected sex
I do however appreciate the anxiety that comes when you know there is a family history of infertility. I felt this intensely and was very worried about it going in to our trying to conceive journey. Knowledge is power and if you speak to the gp about it they can certainly do some tests to check hormone levels, confirm ovulation and also an ultrasound scan . I think it will help to know how far you want to take it - would you want to be referred to the fertility clinic at this point? Would you want more invasive investigations at this point (such as Hycosy dye test), bWould your partner pursue a semen analysis ? If you did find out you have PCOS how would you feel about this and would this change ur plans going forward with regards to timing of having a baby? A PCOS diagnosis certainly does not mean you will definitely have issues conceiving but obviously a diagnosis can add to anxiety around this.

Good luck and let me know if you have any questions. Don’t listen to the person who made the comment about ur age…. It’s a modern phenomenon that people seem to think it’s crazy to have a baby in ur early 20s. There are pros and cons of having babies earlier or later and young people can make just as excellent parents as older people.

I would say go to the gp if it’s worrying you.

I was fobbed off for a quite a while by the gp when in a similar position because I was young. We’d been trying for a couple of years but were getting no where and I then noticed I wasn’t getting any positive results on ovulation tests. They tested hormone levels which they said were ok and just said keep trying.

long story short after eventually being referred for IVF, which failed twice, I was told I had no ovarian reserve and was infertile. I was 27! I don’t know if things would’ve been different if they’d listened when I was 24.

This is very rare and more than likely not an issue for you at all, but I do wish I’d pushed them more when I knew something didn’t seem right.

(Incidentally, my ovaries kicked back into life in my later 30’s for some reason and I’m currently pregnant with my 2nd surprise baby)

I can see where the poster was coming from mentioning STI tests, regardless of age or how long you’ve been together, anyone that chooses to start having unprotected sex with a partner would be sensible to get a test to check you are both clear

Good luck and let me know if you have any questions. Don’t listen to the person who made the comment about ur age…. It’s a modern phenomenon that people seem to think it’s crazy to have a baby in ur early 20s. There are pros and cons of having babies earlier or later and young people can make just as excellent parents as older people.

But there is a difference between actively deciding to have a child when you're in a stable and hopefully very long term relationship and just not using contraception from your teens.

No one seems to be engaging with the fact that OP and her boyfriend were having unprotected sex at 18, with no idea of the responsibility of a baby.

And if the OP manages to get tested for fertility then her boyfriend needs to have the same. Sperm samples.

I don’t think you need to go to the GP since you haven’t been trying properly. Trying properly involves having unprotected sex when you are ovulating (or in the “fertile window”). My friends tried for 2 years before they got pregnant and my other friends 6 months. I was pregnant on the first try both times (second time was more of an accident). It doesn’t make you abnormal. Just because your mum has PCOS doesn’t mean you will, if you have symptoms then you should see the doctor about that.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/polycystic-ovary-syndrome-pcos/

https://www.nhs.uk/tests-and-treatments/ivf/

Go to the doctor now. Ok, you may find out that something is wrong and you can’t have kids or spend the next 10 years trying and then go to a doctor and same thing.

if you find out younger then there are more options available to you. If you need IVF then being younger may give you more cycles on NHS.

start researching which hospital trusts do the most cycles and move there. One only do one and other may do three.

or you can start saving for IVF. If you wait another 10 years then you don’t have as much time for cycles or age out of the NHS process.

or you go to doc and it’s a simple fix. But don’t let them fob you off.

you do need to get to know your cycle and when you are ovulating. Start tracking it. You don’t have to be actively trying as it can get stressful but just monitor it.

You can but ovulation strips really cheaply on Amazon, they work the same as those little cheap pregnancy test strips that you dip in wee. That will at least reassure you that you’re ovulating and you can track your cycle more accurately then (which is useful when pregnant as you can be more sure of date of conception). But if you don’t see clear evidence you’re ovulating then you have more information to go the doctors with. Try for an appointment with a female gp - so many male doctors will fob you off if you’re a young woman.

I was on the pill for a million years before I had my two kids and it was only coming off it that I learned I could actually feel ovulation. Not everyone does but I have a very definite shooting pain low down on one side around cycle day 14/15 every month. I think it was faint before I had kids but since two sections (I dread to think the mess of scar tissue and crap in there now!) it can be really quite painful and I bloat those days too. You’re at a good stage of your life to get to know your body and your cycle, it absolutely blindsided me how little I knew when I came off the pill to try for a baby in my early 30s having chemically suppressed ovulation for so long - I didn’t even know how long my natural cycle was!

Oh and last thing (in things they don’t bloody tell you!) is if you’re trying to conceive it’s recommended to start taking folic acid for three months prior to trying as it helps prevent neural tube deficits (like spinal bifida) and then continue to take until at least 12 weeks pregnant.

Best of luck!

Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 3 years. For most of that time, we haven’t been necessarily ‘trying’ for a baby, but we have certainly not been avoiding it. I am not and never have been on any contraception.

I do find this incredible.

So as an 18/19 year old, presumably in some form of education or training, (or very early months of work) you AND your boyfriend decided to have sex and not use any form of contraception. Or avoid STIs. That is just unbelievable.

You've tried to explain that you've been together for 3 years. But that's NOW.
What about day 1, week 1, month 1 when you started dating?

Did you never consider the impact of an unwanted pregnancy?
Did your parents not 'teach you' to be careful about pregnancy?

I'd have been aghast if either of my children had behaved like you did and are.
It was drummed into them from early on .

I assume your fear of seeing a doctor is because (rightly) you know it's been and is very stupid to have this attitude to contraception- or the lack of it.

Agree with this 100%, sorry OP.

Your approach to producing a new person seems scarily lackadaisical. Have you not read any Mumsnet threads on this subject?

Sort your life out and plan a proper family life, and that includes visiting the doctor.

I had unprotected sex with my ex (pull out method) for 8 years without a preganacy. It was only when we started trying propely that i fell pregnant. Twice. So i would not be concerned. If you actually both want a baby, try properly first.

If you're planning to get pregnant then you need to start taking folic acid now.

The window to get pregnant is only a couple of days in each cycle. So on those two/three days you need to be doing the deed twice a day or more.

Has your DP agreed to support you and the child financially in full until they start school? You will be 5 years without being able to earn much income. Even after that you'll be restricted to earning between 9.30am and 2.30pm. It's hard OP. It's no joke. Longer of course if you have more DC after that.

Don't fall into the trap of thinking you can carry on working and doing childcare and carrying on doing everything at home. You'll be burnt out and frustrated. Read a gazillion threads on here about it.

Not saying that will be the case for you necessarily but girls need to hear it now more than ever. It's harder in many ways now than it has been in the past.

In my TTC journey, I realised getting pregnant isn’t as easy as Teen Mom makes out it to be!

There are only a few days out the month that you can actually get pregnant.

Before trying for our daughter, I was convinced I couldn’t have kids having never even had a real scare. But we got pregnant on month 2 of actively trying as opposed to seeing what happens.

Unfortunately, I’ve never managed to have a second pregnancy even after trying for years. We’re not eligible for help as we have a kid so I’ve had to accept it. And buy a horse instead 🤣

Do you want to have a baby now, OP? If so, id spend the next few months properly tracking ovulation (either with the urine tests or using a BBT thermometer to track your temp - or both!) and see if it happens. If not, you can then go to the GP with the information.

I was diagnosed with PCOS at 28, started ttc at 32, had fertility treatment to conceive DD1 at 34 and a natural conception to conceive DD2 at 37. All the doctors I met along that journey (and there were many!) were really kind. Yes some of the tests were not the most pleasant but they were all for a reason and it resulted in my two DDs, which im so thankful for.

If you dont actively want a baby now, then I wouldn't necessarily be visiting the GP, but I think you should bear it in mind and make sure that you are being proactive with your contraception and saving up so you have a good buffer for when you do decide you want to have a baby. When you do want to ttc, properly track your cycle and then you can go to the GP with all the data.

In the meantime, make sure you and your partner both are looking after your health, taking folic acid + vit D so that if you do fall pregnant, baby is off to a great start.

Have you and your boyfriend had a conversation about this @BertieRosie ?
I hope you've not lied to him and said you were on the Pill, for example.

Is he fully onboard with the idea that you are possibly going to be parents? Or indeed could have been any time from being 18.

Why would a young man at 18 take the risk of being a father?
Because that's what you were both doing.

Yes, he is. These assumptions are getting pretty old.

There's a big difference (as others have said) between ttc and not trying to stop a pregnancy. I'd suggest (if you do want a baby now as you seem like you are unsure) you actively try, get some ovulation tests, get an app to track your cycle, get on the folic acid and repeatedly try during your ovulation window. My friend also booked and went for a private scan to track her follicles/egg production which she said was useful. You can also do private blood tests to check your hormones. Equally, you could just go to the GP, but if you really don't want to then those are some options. Also, I think a GP might tell you to do some active trying rather than passive trying (if that makes sense). It's great you're so young, try not to worry because if there is anything there or anything going on, there's lots of time to address it.
Good luck!!

How ridiculous.

OP until I started TTC I was completely naive as to how small that fertility window is each month. Its literally a matter of a very small number of days, depending on your cycle. It took over 18 months of TTC my DD and we tracked ovulation religiously. Perhaps try that however you should definitely make a call to the GP. They may tell you to wait 12 months of actively TTC and ovulation tracking before they will investigate further though but no harm in requesting some checks for PCOS or other potential issues, and getting it noted on your records your concerns now. I wish you the best of luck OP x

That is your opinion based on ur own views of what is sensible/ right or wrong. Whilst you are entitled to that opinion and I’m sure many people may think the same….. it’s really not pertinent to the question the OP is asking or the thread. She isn’t asking for your opinion on her previous decisions, morals or choices….. she is asking whether people think it would be unreasonable for her to go to the doctor about her reproductive health. You getting on ur high horse and casting moral judgement on her for her previous decisions is belittling and wrong and will only serve to make her feel worse about a situation that is clearly causing her some anxiety….

I found the ovusense tracking so helpful, I was in a very similar position to yourself and after 3 years of trying I spoke to a Specialist who recommended it to help track ovulation etc. You wear it at night and then upload it to the app. It helped pinpoint ovulation and made trying so much better. Hopefully you will get some answers and some of your stress will be relieved.