To ask for help over my children's behaviour

[Imissgoldengrahams]

I can't lie I'm at my wits end. I have 4 children
In the past 24 hours my 8 year old has stolen money out of my suitcase (Not long back from holiday so haven't unpacked) and gone over to the shop and got sweets
She took pens upstairs and has drawn all over her pillow and her sheet.

Two days after we got back from holiday she had a friend in the house to play, she let this kid through her brand new lego (from the aforementioned holiday) out of the window and now the bits are lost and you can't build it back up

Another friend she has, will come in and take everything out of her cupboard, on hangers and my daughter just let's her, they chuck the clothes about her room. So I've banned her from coming bsck in

They found my partners permanent marker (by going through his work bag) and they've drawn all over our kitchen chairs with their names and various numbers

I'm really struggling, I don't know what to do. They go out to play and they end up throwing stones at the house, so they get grounded.

They hit each other all of the time, they kick and spit at each other or on the walls

I don't know what to do anymore. If I ask why they've done something, I just get 'dunno'

How have you disciplined your child?

Is it just your eight year old?
what are the consequences for her behaviours? The stealing for example?
drawing on walls - yes at three years old but at eight - they should understand that is absolutely not on

How did the eight year old get to the shop?

...here come all the judgypants to the thread.

OP, sounds like your 8 year old needs more supervision than is currently given. 4 kids sounds really hard. What ages are they?

The shop is across the road, can be seen from my bedroom window so she found money and took herself over there

I'm expecting it but I'm desperate for advice

10, 8, almost 7, and 3

She's the instigater and the younger ones just tend to follow her
My oldest is a different sex and doesn't take much to do with them

The consequences are grounding. I'm not exactly sure what else to do

You need to lock the door - did you see her leave?
she needs very firm boundaries
she should also know at eight not to empty the contents of her wardrobe or chuck stuff out of windows. Does she have poor impulse control ? How is she at school and with her siblings
does your partner help with managing behaviours?

Grounding is not appropriate and it’s not working
i think she needs activities and things to occupy her and to earn screen time and treats
I am sure she will tantrum but she should be helping clean up messes if she makes them, re hang the clothes and yes it will take time but that’s a start

She can open the door,
I was at work and she told the person looking after them that she was only going out to play

He doesn't help really because he is also at a loss what to do, none of our parents have ever seen children behave like this

School say she's really good, always first to be there to tidy up, helps other children, keen to hand out work sheets etc

Op, can you tell us what you have tried? And what worked? It might be they are looking for attention or they are bored or need a bit more routine

Yeah she will not lift at finger to tidy it up, she just rolls around the floor screaming and crying

Can you send your older kids to holiday club rather than being looked after at home by a person who doesn't seem to be able to manage all 4?

I’d let her shout but you need to keep calm
she has to tidy up - she’s doing it at school so she can

Just grounding them/her
Shouting doesn't work, time out when they were younger doesn't make a bit of difference
Tried to reward with screen time, doesn't make a difference
Extra one to one time doesn't make a difference

There isn't a single holiday club on
That isn't over 40 minutes away or too expensive

Boredom is a big factor in their behaviour, the 8 year old is usually awake from half five
So by half seven she's complaining she's bored

Sounds like you need to split the group up though, the 8 year old is obviously not coping though. My child had a friend like this when they were about that age, it was a nightmare. The only thing that the parents did that helped was send them to a sporty holiday club so they came home knackered.

The summer holidays are long with four children stuck in the house all day long. They will be looking for mischief. Do you manage to take them out each day?

When my dc were young, it was always best to get out of the house. If we were at home it was always more difficult.

I had early risers too so it was a long long day.

I completely understand your frustration. I had three who used to fight like cat and dog. It’s normal behaviour for siblings to do this.

Stop having the friend round, that’s just causing trouble.

You have to have rules and consequences if the rules are broken. The consequences have to be something that causes the child upset. Clearly grounding isn’t working. You know your children best, you will know what they like and will miss. Make punishments age appropriate.

Consider alongside the consequences for broken rules, rewards for good behaviour. This is really important. Punishment and reward are very well researched in terms of changing behaviour.

Be consistent in what you want. Children need consistency and they thrive on rules and guidelines set by their parents.

Not really as I am at work, by the time my partner gets home its dinner time
They've had a weeks holiday, a sleepover with a friend and been to the farm, its really only the weekend we get a chance to get out

You sound like you don’t have any authority at all and that is the issue.

So what if she screams and rolls around on the floor? She is made to tidy.

Stuff gets taken away.

It sounds like they are poorly supervised and poorly disciplined.

Have you read any parenting books? Tried to implement some structure etc. They sound like bored, poorly-disciplined children with no boundaries.

Who do you have looking after the kids as you mentioned “he” and that he doesn’t know what to do either. I’m assuming it’s not your partner/their father by the wording, but if it is him he needs to step up and actively parent when he’s in charge!

if it’s your eldest child, as you mentioned they’re male, they are far too young to be left alone all day, let alone in charge of younger siblings.

if it’s a local teenager/babysitter you may need to look for someone more experienced and make sure they have the authority to punish (appropriately) and that your kids will respect this.

Yeah more often than not the room will just stay a mess until she does eventually tidy it
Tbh I'm just freaking exhausted
Running on empty. Desperate for a break so things have definitely slacked