To ask for help over my children's behaviour

[Imissgoldengrahams]

I can't lie I'm at my wits end. I have 4 children
In the past 24 hours my 8 year old has stolen money out of my suitcase (Not long back from holiday so haven't unpacked) and gone over to the shop and got sweets
She took pens upstairs and has drawn all over her pillow and her sheet.

Two days after we got back from holiday she had a friend in the house to play, she let this kid through her brand new lego (from the aforementioned holiday) out of the window and now the bits are lost and you can't build it back up

Another friend she has, will come in and take everything out of her cupboard, on hangers and my daughter just let's her, they chuck the clothes about her room. So I've banned her from coming bsck in

They found my partners permanent marker (by going through his work bag) and they've drawn all over our kitchen chairs with their names and various numbers

I'm really struggling, I don't know what to do. They go out to play and they end up throwing stones at the house, so they get grounded.

They hit each other all of the time, they kick and spit at each other or on the walls

I don't know what to do anymore. If I ask why they've done something, I just get 'dunno'

I think the least worst way to manage this would be to set up some activities for the day, I'd be buying a load of Baker ross kits or whatever they are into for the relative to do.

What an absolutely ridiculous situation. No wonder they're misbehaving.

Hard to know where to start tbh but some bloody discipline and not just leaving them in the house all day with a family member who is incapable of properly looking after them would help.

I think they’re bored. They’re being ‘babysat’ by someone who isn’t capable to take them out or do anything with them, so of course they’re going to act up.
Is the disabled relative elderly? Can they really not structure and supervise anything?
I know it’s easy for me to say but you’ve got to come up with a more suitable childcare arrangement. You’ve got another five weeks of spiralling behaviour otherwise!

And honestly OP next year you'll have to forgo the week away so you and partner can tag team time off. It'll only be a couple more years and they'll be much easier to manage and you can relax more.

Grounding is ridiculous - they are already bored and getting up to no good. So your answer is to bore them further?

You need more structure to your day. Up and out. Plans to do at different points in the day. That or holiday club. Hanging about at home all day making their own entertainment is a recipe for disaster.

Can you and their father pay for any childcare? Even a few hours in a summer scheme is better than them being stuck in the house with a babysitter who can't cope.

I work full time and so does my husband! I don't leave DC with someone not capable of doing anything with them and who clearly isn't watching them and I didn't have 4 when I don't have time or finances to adequately support that.

I had 4 children in 6 years so I understand how difficult it can be.

Are there any free activity clubs? Our local church ran one and that was a godsend. Plus the council had done free sports sessions.

I used to have a box of activity thins each summer. I’d buy baker Ross kits, craft items from the works, bubble wands, mini Lego kits, sticker books, things like that and we would pick one thing on days at home.

Paddling pool in the garden, painting with water, planting seeds, watering the garden, all things that get them outside.

I think they do need to get out more, can you advertise for a couple of local teens to take them to the park? we used to go out daily.

Sort out all their toys and they can sell unwanted ones and use the money for new?

Set up an ice cream station one day. Lots of tubs and cones and sprinkles and sauces, they can make their own ice creams. Can do the same with a hot chocolate station in winter!

Movie day with snacks and treats.

Build a den.

Sounds like she is bored of hanging out with little kids and is going down to their level rather than acting her age. Can you afford clubs for the holidays. Lots of areas do free clubs if you are on lower incomes too. But the full day clubs are really good. They come back too tired to make trouble.
Shock tactics also work. Like black binbagging everything she owns and putting it in a locked cupboard. Ita extreme buy I did this to my 7 year old son when he threw my folded washing across the room. He never did that again.
Also sounds like they arent being monitored closely on playdates. If i had some kids round and they attempted to draw on anything I would have noticed this haplening and stopped it in its tracks.
If you are working then I think holiday camps are your answer here. She sounds bored and needs stimulation. You can use tax free childcare and find funded placements. Not all are expensive, look around for some options.
Good luck. Hang in there.

This is the route of the problem. You are leaving 4 young children to their own devices all day.

You need to parent them. I would contact early help and ask for some advice.

I sent my eldest to PGL every summer from age 8. They have some good offers on. If shes happy to stay away on her own its a great option for the lively energetic, can never sit still kids. There is an offer on and its 350 quid for 7 nights. Honestly it is such a brilliant week for them.

I would call in favours from the 8yo's friends' parents. See if any of them can have her round to play. Remove her and hopefully the big brother and disabled relative can keep the two younger ones in check.

I know you have to work and childcare is expensive but you need to think up a few better solutions. I would be tempted to start throwing things, breaking things and drawing on things if I was cooped up in the house for days on end and I'm not 8 years old.

Here's a radical suggestion - try to shift their schedule so they're going to bed late and getting up late. So when you get home from work, take them out to the playground until 8-9pm to make the most of the light evenings. Feed them at 9.30pm and bed 10.30pm. Then hopefully they'll be tired enough to sleep late the next day.

She is 8.
Stay calm.

These are not huge deals.

Great idea

try to shift their schedule so they're going to bed late and getting up late. So when you get home from work, take them out to the playground until 8-9pm to make the most of the light evenings. Feed them at 9.30pm and bed 10.30pm. Then hopefully they'll be tired enough to sleep late the next day.

So did you take the sweets away since they were stolen? And make clear in no uncertain terms that stealing is wrong? And sanction? I.e. no sweets for a week, no whatever it is she enjoys most.

Four children is a lot but you need to be disciplining them over all and any bad behaviour. Chairs in kitchen ruined? Sanctions until chairs are repaired/replaced i.e. no lovely days out, no paddling pool out, no treats. And ram it home, too, that these are being denied because they stole out of their father's bag and ruined the kitchen chairs.

@Imissgoldengrahams is the family member who is supposed to be looking after them a brother, uncle or another adult family member? what age are they? they are obviously unable to cope! suggest you look for alternative childcare or send them to a club!!

Honestly it sounds like a pretty miserable summer holidays for them, and I imagine they’re bored. Not that that excuses the bad behaviour.
I know it’s hard when you’re working, but I think you need to look into different childcare for them in the holidays. The current arrangement isn’t working.

How do you a ground an 8 year old? Its not like they are going out with their mates unsupervised. Completely pointless consequence.

Better consequences:

• screen bans
• cancel treats/outings
• toy bans/take a favourite one away for a week
• early bedtimes
• extra chores

She's only 8, you have all the power. You make her do as she's told.

Poor kids.

Being cooped up inside all day during summer sound like hell on earth for a child (and adult!). No wonder they are acting out and misbehaving. They are probably bored stiff.

Honestly what do you expect them to do all day if they're just stuck inside all day and not being taken out?

You need to find alternative childcare so the kids can be looked after properly and have some structure and stimulation.

Finances are obviously an issue but there might be free summer clubs at a local church or something similar.

Ultimately though you need to parent them which I'm sorry to say you're not doing at the moment and are just making excuses. The reality is this situation won't get better unless some changes are made such as more appropriate childcare that allows the kids to be taken out and gets them doing activities and exercising.

Exactly this.

OP, you need to find proper childcare for your children if you're out at work. Universal Credit will cover up to 85% of the costs if you're a low income family - and financially you are always better off working on this system.

If there are no holiday clubs, there will be plenty of childminders who do holiday cover for this exact scenario - and you need to plan ahead and get them booked in.

I agree with others that your children are bored. They are acting up because they have no stimulation or attention. 8 year olds should absolutely not be going to the shops on their own, or even playing outside unsupervised - they are far too young.

This behaviour is only going to get worse unless you sort out a proper plan for their care whilst you're working. Plenty of parents manage to work full time and use appropriate childcare to ensure they're adequately looked after.

I'm afraid unless you put their needs first this won't change.

Very difficult. Big hugs.

Making some kinds of bad behaviour impossible can help. Locks on doors if necessary, especially doors leading outside, with keys quickly availablet to adults but not to kids. A friend of mine who has an escaping 6-year-old keeps her keys in key safes by the door, so she has control. If they go out to play and violate that trust by leaving the garden without asking, they play indoors for the rest of the day, even if their siblings are allowed out. No friends over either.

Friends who chuck things out of windows or otherwise vandalise don't get invited again.

For what it's worth, I got my kids tidying by scooping up everything left on the floor into a bin liner and put it out of the way (in my case, locked it in the garage I was lucky enough to have). That meant I could clean and the room was free of clutter. Cue tantrums, but that was the rule. If it's still on the floor half an hour after I've asked you to tidy up, then it goes. When they were smaller, I helped, obviously, but an 8-year-old should be able to pick up after herself. (This works for untidy DHs as well if requests to put things away were constantly ignored. 'Where's my X-Box?' 'In a bin liner in the garage.' He was allowed to go and collect his stuff, though.)

I returned the stuff in small amounts at request as rewards for good behaviour, more for really positive improvements.

It's possible your 8-year-old has ADHD or ASD. It manifests differently in girls and it's not unheard of for them to mask so well in school that the staff don't notice, but it all comes out at home. I'd try and get her assessed, (but the way things are now, she'll probably have left home and be working by the time you get an appointment.)

Keep in mind: you are the adult, you are in charge, your partner and you have to have each other's backs in this and support each other. Good luck.

What is the privilege she has that would hurt the most if she lost it? Screen time? Sweets Something else?
She is acting out because she doesnt have consequences that are bad enough to drive home the message.
My adhd child hates loosing his screen time for example, and he will do anything to avoid that. If its really extreme he will loose his pocket money. If you dont have basic structures set up around these perks, then you have no control.

If she is awake early does she have plenty of books she can read in her room, or quiet things like colouring/drawing books?

Your childcare isn't appropriate if your children are constantly bored. You need someone who can take them out/supervise them properly. Can you provide more structure. It doesn't have to be expensive - plan to go to local parks, libraries, swimming pools usually have cheap holiday sessions. What do they have to keep them busy at home, toy/game wise? Can you arrange play dates, but you need to expect to supervise a bit if she isn't well behaved.

You need much more consistent consequences for bad behaviour. She certainly doesn't sound mature enough to be trusted going out by herself.

This sounds very tough 😔 4 children, 10 and under, plus two parents trying to juggle work and a relative who is disabled looking after the children.

To me, it sounds as if they are getting bored and the relative, through no fault of their own, can't take them out/do much with them.

Assuming you are in England/Wales, there are 5 weeks left of the summer holidays - that's a long time for them to be stuck in at home.

Can you manage to pay for some days at a holiday club? Even just for the older two?

Is there someone else who can support with looking after them? I'm thinking a college student who might be looking for summer work - post on your local Facebook etc sites. They are likely to have far more stamina than the relative and will be able to take some/all of the children out. Relative could still be at the house if you wish.

Your eldest - can he arrange play dates with a friend? My son is a bit older (11, just finished primary) and has been meeting his friends at the village park etc this week. I appreciate your son may be a bit young though, so maybe arranging at someone's house?

I absolutely get that it's really hard when you have to work and it's holidays, but I do think a lot of the behaviour is because they are bored.

The disabled family member looks after all 4 children whilst you’re at work? I know you said the holiday clubs are expensive, but I really think it would be best to just pay for the two older ones to go. Maybe near your work? The younger two can stay with a different family member who can take them out to places. How does the disabled family member cope with them all?