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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask for help over my children's behaviour

294 replies

Imissgoldengrahams · 25/07/2025 09:48

I can't lie I'm at my wits end. I have 4 children
In the past 24 hours my 8 year old has stolen money out of my suitcase (Not long back from holiday so haven't unpacked) and gone over to the shop and got sweets
She took pens upstairs and has drawn all over her pillow and her sheet.

Two days after we got back from holiday she had a friend in the house to play, she let this kid through her brand new lego (from the aforementioned holiday) out of the window and now the bits are lost and you can't build it back up

Another friend she has, will come in and take everything out of her cupboard, on hangers and my daughter just let's her, they chuck the clothes about her room. So I've banned her from coming bsck in

They found my partners permanent marker (by going through his work bag) and they've drawn all over our kitchen chairs with their names and various numbers

I'm really struggling, I don't know what to do. They go out to play and they end up throwing stones at the house, so they get grounded.

They hit each other all of the time, they kick and spit at each other or on the walls

I don't know what to do anymore. If I ask why they've done something, I just get 'dunno'

OP posts:
ReadingTime · 25/07/2025 18:07

Your kids all need to leave the house every day. This situation is basically the same as having dogs and never taking them for a walk, and then wondering why they keep destroying your house.

You’re going to need to find and pay someone to take them to the park and on various other outings every weekday morning. Once they’ve had some exercise and stimulation in the morning, the afternoons could be for crafts / games / reading etc with your relative in the house. Ideally they would have some full day outings to interesting places some days too, and clubs etc with other kids.

If the 8yo is still naughty once she’s no longer cooped up and bored witless all day, then work out how to deal with her. Punishing her will achieve nothing until her needs are being met. Her behaviour is telling you that she’s bored and angry about being bored, and this is the problem you need to solve first.

SomethingInnocuousForNow · 25/07/2025 18:39

We're at the weekend now, can you see if you do lots of physical out of house stuff this weekend if it improves? If it does improve you have your answer and you will need to find alternative childcare or take unpaid leave.

I mean, regardless, children can't spend all day in the house unless there are very significant extenuating circumstances. You might need to start taking them out early in the morning before work to the park or local swimming pool.

The behaviour you describe seems really extreme for neurotypical children. I understand school say they are well behaved there, what about round friends' houses? Is it just at your house they do this?

Thereader91 · 25/07/2025 18:42

Imissgoldengrahams · 25/07/2025 09:57

She's the instigater and the younger ones just tend to follow her
My oldest is a different sex and doesn't take much to do with them

The consequences are grounding. I'm not exactly sure what else to do

Ground, no friends over + no technology whatsoever, TV, radio (take fuses out of the big stuff so you don't have to move it), tablets, phones etc etc etc. in her room, remove everything, clothes toys etc etc. she can have a bed and empty wardrobe etc you hand her her clothes and nightwear on a daily basis. Chores to pay back the money she stole too. Few weeks should do it. Have her earn her stuff back too. If she does it again, add a week. Are you a sham or working? (Asking for a reason, not judging either way). Xx

ThejoyofNC · 25/07/2025 18:44

Thereader91 · 25/07/2025 18:42

Ground, no friends over + no technology whatsoever, TV, radio (take fuses out of the big stuff so you don't have to move it), tablets, phones etc etc etc. in her room, remove everything, clothes toys etc etc. she can have a bed and empty wardrobe etc you hand her her clothes and nightwear on a daily basis. Chores to pay back the money she stole too. Few weeks should do it. Have her earn her stuff back too. If she does it again, add a week. Are you a sham or working? (Asking for a reason, not judging either way). Xx

The child is already bored shitless and trapped inside all day. You think removing all forms of stimulation will help? Not a chance.

drypond · 25/07/2025 18:46

You have no authority in your home. Positive re enforcement works well, so you catch them being good and tell them how well they are behaving and reward that behaviour. The Lego is hers I wouldn’t punish that personally but I would say I won’t be buying anymore till you think she can look after it,

LilacFrances · 25/07/2025 18:58

You sound like you have tried everything you can think of and nothing is working. Is there anyone you can think of who would be willing to help you with the eight year old in particular? I really do feel your pain and I hope you can find a solution that works very soon. Please keep us updated if it's appropriate and if you can. Those who are not judging you here really do care. If your eight year old behaves well at school that's a positive starting point but I'm not sure where you can go from here. Would her teacher be able to give you some advice or insight?__

AliceMcK · 25/07/2025 19:00

Tia247 · 25/07/2025 13:48

It's not up to a 10 year old to be entertaining his 3 younger siblings in the summer holidays. 10 year olds do not want to play anything that is suitable for a 3 year old. Punishing the 8 year old will also not improve her behaviour when the person punishing her has left and the 8 year old is left at home bored out of her brain.

The three younger children are not going to be able to play games or do crafts without an adult actively involved, especially the 3 year old. They are also just not going to calmly sit down and do these things if it's not how they're used to behaving at home. With 3 kids all trying to grab the best craft items or taking all the turns it's going to just be chaos and it really doesn't sound like the disabled babysitter is up to organising it all.

The one thing that might entertain them all in this weather is a paddling pool but even that is a danger for the 3 year old if the disabled baby sitter isn't up to watching him like a hawk (and it definitely doesn't sound like they are). I really don't think there are any easy answers here that don't cost a lot of money unfortunately.

Of course the 10yo can play with his siblings, he dosnt get to do his own thing all the time when he is part of a family, my 10yo played games with their 3yo sibling it’s called being part of a family.

There are plenty of games and crafts to be played with without an adult helping too much which is what I said, colouring, children can use glue sticks and stickers with very little help, I get given sheets of paper with drawings, colourings stickers, cut out pictures on daily my youngest makes for me on her own, granted she’s now 7 but she’s been doing it for years. My most recent thing I’ve done to occupy her without adult supervision is give her multiple sheets of sticky gems and told her what’s she’s allowed to bling, she’s very kindly blinded my walking stick for me, she’s loved it. Her older siblings asked for some more so they could bling their own things. The craft items can be set out each day, all exactly the same so no “best” or favourite item, all get the same stuff to use.

The kids can play hide and seek, the floor is lava, create a play or dance show to put on when the parents are home. It’s just a matter of planning and getting creative.

Sit the children down, tell them going forward they are going to be able to do things, they can make a card for someone they care about, draw a picture, make a collage just no paint and glitter, they will get rewards points for helping, getting involved, cleaning up. Write the name of activities on paper and get each one to draw from a hat, they get 1 each and that’s their activitie that day, all 4 do it and all 4 do the game/activities, they each get a reward treat when your home. Or you can say ok, when I’m at work tomorrow I want you to pick one craft, 1 game, 1 board game and 1 other thing each to do together throughout the day, one after breakfast, one after lunch and 2 in the afternoon. Buy a bag of sweets, treats, prizes from home bargains as rewards or for every time they participate they get 50p each to spend at the weekend.

There is obviously something going on with the 8 yo but you can still try getting her to partake, she might just like the structure.

One thing I did in covid when we had months of finding things to do, was get them to go through the house finding certain things/toys, one day I asked them to find everything dog related, they collected all dog related toys in the house and counted them. I then sent them in a mission to find everything LOL related LOL doll and accessory, they spent an entire day looking, dressing up and organising they all, same with shopkins and so on. We set up a jungle using house plants and soft toys took pictures, moved them around like we were David Attenborough watching real animals, this could be done outside if you don’t have house plants, maybe turn it into the kids work together to make their own video..

They can also do what my DCs have done all day today, zone out on tablets for the day, watched their videos and played Roblox, no one was up to doing anything today so other than a my youngest riding her bike to the shop with DH it’s been a day of tablets and phones, and that’s ok!

TicklishMintDuck · 25/07/2025 19:02

They need routines and consistency. Plan a programme for each day and have it on a chart where they can see it. Build in little things that they can do to earn rewards. Take away privileges for poor behaviour.

Discodance1988 · 25/07/2025 19:15

op have you looked into ADHD? I have an ADHD 7 year old granted he doesn't act like your daughter but he has his moments.

Also look at Autism, my teenager is Autistic and hes worse than my 7 year old at times

amyds2104 · 25/07/2025 19:19

Hello
It sounds like you are trying your absolute best and I’m sorry things are overwhelming and sounds like things have got on top of you. Please seek some professional help. The help is out there. Schools are still monitoring emails but also there are early help teams in every local authority who may be able to give you some advice/support. Seeking help is seen as a good thing by professionals and it’s better to ask for it before things get really out of control.
good luck xxx

Velmy · 25/07/2025 19:36

Imissgoldengrahams · 25/07/2025 10:01

Yeah she will not lift at finger to tidy it up, she just rolls around the floor screaming and crying

Then her toys etc go in a bin bag, and she gets them back when she stops acting like a baby.

My parents did this once with me when I was being a little madame and it worked a treat. Came home to all my favorite stuff packed away, replaced with a dummy and a rattle 😂

mathanxiety · 25/07/2025 19:48

Imissgoldengrahams · 25/07/2025 10:50

I did buy them chalk, they took them outside in the rain and stomped all over them
Unfortunately I don't have enough time to take them out, I'm trying to get ready for work
And the family member has a disability so can't take them out

I'm sorry, but the family member isn't really capable of looking after children.

Is there nobody else at all you could get to look after them? You should count yourself lucky that your child just went across the road to the shop with the stolen money and didn't wander off for hours and end up God knows where, with God knows who.

You need to find someone else who can keep them busy and wear them out outdoors. They need a routine. They need to burn off energy. They need to be watched every minute.

mathanxiety · 25/07/2025 19:51

And I agree you need to confiscate everything she throws around and messes up. Clothes, bed sheets, pillow slip, toys, books. She can earn it back by points for good behaviour and helpful, cooperative attitude week by week.

Fwiw, permanent marker sometimes comes off furniture with nail polish remover. Hair spray is worth a try too.

Julimia · 25/07/2025 20:23

Oh come on she's 8. Why does she not know by now what consequences will be in place for her actions? Are there any? You have to be firm and consistent

Ididit2023 · 25/07/2025 20:46

At 8 she should not be leaving the house even just across the road without you knowing. She needs a scary talk about the risks and an explanation that if she chooses to do it again knowing the risks then the consequence will be be xyz. (No tv for a week, limit access to tablet etc).
for the stealing I would be taking money out of any pocket money you give or setting chores for her to do to earn back the amount.
for the disrespect of things I would make her under my supervision tidy everything up every time. Yes. All clothes back on hangers. All pieces of Lego found and reassembled. She will soon learn that she dislikes the tidy up. Next time you decide to let a friend play sit both girls down and explain your ground rules. Perhaps say bedroom is out of bounds annd provide 2 choices of activity. Supervise. Insist everything is respected and everything is tidied away before the friend leaves.

Bo1978 · 25/07/2025 20:58

Sounds like she’s attention seeking. It can often lead to poor behaviour as they crave attention even if it’s because they’ve behaved badly. Do you manage to spend one to one time with her?

Imissgoldengrahams · 25/07/2025 21:34

RosesAndHellebores · 25/07/2025 12:47

This isn't a child problem it's a supervision problem. They are cooped up all day in the house with a disabled carer. It's hardly surprising they are kicking off.

Two children need to be at summer camp or organised sports courses every week. And yes, you have to drive 40 minutes to get them there. The other two need focused activities such as library reading trail, baking, cinema, park, swimming, etc.

If you can't afford the activities of decent childcare, you need to plan in advance for next year. Week off with mum, week's family holiday, week off with dad, then paid for activities.

To be fair if either of mine had behaved like that, I'd have sold them on the Internet. (Weak joke!).

I dont drive so its really not possible to go to these clubs. I also couldn't afford it and my 6 year wouldnt go
Ive tried clubs before for her and she hid under the desk ans the person running it asked me not to take her back

OP posts:
Imissgoldengrahams · 25/07/2025 21:35

Cinema is an hour away and very expensive for all of them
Its hard to get them onside for going out as everything is so far away and they refuse to walk

OP posts:
the7Vabo · 25/07/2025 21:38

Imissgoldengrahams · 25/07/2025 21:35

Cinema is an hour away and very expensive for all of them
Its hard to get them onside for going out as everything is so far away and they refuse to walk

OP I don’t mean this unkindly but why did you have 4 kids? Did you expect it to be easier than it is?

So you both work - full time? You can’t drive but by the sounds of things live in an area where you need to drive?

Something needs to change. Would moving help?

Screamingabdabz · 25/07/2025 21:42

“OP I don’t mean this unkindly but why did you have 4 kids?”

The million dollar question in all these ‘my kids are feral and I don’t know how to parent’ posts.

RandomMess · 25/07/2025 21:43

Does your 8 year old not need much sleep? I would consider ADHD if that’s the case.

SunnySideDeepDown · 25/07/2025 21:47

An 8 year old should not be leaving the house without you, it’s a safeguarding concern.

No play dates until she can behave better.

I have three kids 8 and under and I don’t experience any of this. Kindly, are you spending much time with them? You need to be present and engaging, she clearly can’t be trusted so I’d be keeping a very close eye, locking the door, and taking away items when she misbehaves. Take back the control and get involved with their activities. Could she be calling out for attention?

SunnySideDeepDown · 25/07/2025 21:49

Imissgoldengrahams · 25/07/2025 10:00

She can open the door,
I was at work and she told the person looking after them that she was only going out to play

He doesn't help really because he is also at a loss what to do, none of our parents have ever seen children behave like this

School say she's really good, always first to be there to tidy up, helps other children, keen to hand out work sheets etc

She shouldn’t be going out to play unsupervised though.

It sounds like you’ve both given up which is the opposite of what you need to be doing. She needs active parenting from both of you.

Liliwen · 25/07/2025 21:59

Nothing will change while your children are stuck inside for the entire day from Monday to Friday with a relative who isn’t able to take them out.

it’s not fair on the relative and it’s not fair on your children. Your children are bored. This behaviour is not surprising given that they are cooped up all day long each day! You need to find alternative holiday child care OP. It’s really unfair on your relative and children.

FridayFeelingmidweek · 25/07/2025 22:07

Rewarding woth screen time isn't too great - could you try rewarding woth time with you, just the two of you? I imagine at 8 they probably crace your attention.

Shouting really won't help, try not to. No child wants to be shouted at.

I'm at a bit if a loss as to why an 8 year old would be allowed to go out alone. Maybe reset boundaries.

This all sounds very tough for you. We are all here and can hear the struggle you're feeling. Try not to listen to judgemental posts.

Do you ever get time with your 8 year old on your own?

I don't know which county you're in, but some councils offers mental health support for you and your child.

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