To ask for help over my children's behaviour

[Imissgoldengrahams]

I can't lie I'm at my wits end. I have 4 children
In the past 24 hours my 8 year old has stolen money out of my suitcase (Not long back from holiday so haven't unpacked) and gone over to the shop and got sweets
She took pens upstairs and has drawn all over her pillow and her sheet.

Two days after we got back from holiday she had a friend in the house to play, she let this kid through her brand new lego (from the aforementioned holiday) out of the window and now the bits are lost and you can't build it back up

Another friend she has, will come in and take everything out of her cupboard, on hangers and my daughter just let's her, they chuck the clothes about her room. So I've banned her from coming bsck in

They found my partners permanent marker (by going through his work bag) and they've drawn all over our kitchen chairs with their names and various numbers

I'm really struggling, I don't know what to do. They go out to play and they end up throwing stones at the house, so they get grounded.

They hit each other all of the time, they kick and spit at each other or on the walls

I don't know what to do anymore. If I ask why they've done something, I just get 'dunno'

@Imissgoldengrahams I'd suggest Home Start or children's centre to get parenting information. Ask the HV to recommend any groups in your area.
You need to be consistent, no, means no, yes means yes and there is no maybe. Whether it's promising time at the park/swimming/cinema etc or following up on behaviour issues. Give her tasks and praise, it's working for the teacher.

God I haven't seen a health visitor since my 4th was born lol, they decided I was on my 4th and knew what I was doing and left me to it

What did you do at the bigger park you went to?

You can contact them or the GP/nurse

Little spoilt brats. Have you got someone in the family who is more authoritative that could step in? Maybe being sent away for a few days would help

Maybe next summer you could find a local teenager who is good with kids (naybe someone with little siblings) and pay them for a few hrs a day to take either your old two or younger two out to do something. Mine would go absolutely bonkers cooped up all day!

You have my sympathy. It's very exhausting especially if you work . I would try the GP , a female if you can and see if you can be referred or even speak to the school to see what they can suggest. Try to remember that this isn't forever . I had four and the eldest was a living nightmare but now he is a lovely k I nd and gentle man who has looked after me during my cancer treatment.

I am so sorry you’re going through this. I grew up in a house like this, one of four kids and basically a single mum who worked (dad absent a lot). We were feral. No disciplinary measures worked. But with hindsight (and being a parent myself!) what we were all fighting for was attention, our appalling behaviour was our way of communicating. I don’t really have any advice for you - just wanted to send you sympathy and to remind you that they love you….and all you can do is your best in very difficult circumstances. Try and focus on the big issues and let the small stuff slide. The more you shut them down the more they’ll rebel. I would suggest more responsibility for the 8 year old - ask them to be a partner with you to get something in the house done, others have said about structure too….its so hard to have a game plan when you’re exhausted with no resilience, look after yourself, is there a way you can take a break - even just overnight - to reset a bit?

I think you need to seriously consider going back to work part time until the children are older.

I think this response really probably gives you the reason for your DD's behaviour.

She has sensed stress in your life and is not mature enough to help you.

Wow...if I had behaved like that I would have had all my toys etc taken away, and be told to stay in my room. No treats, no trips, no nothing. Sounds like you need to be way better about boundaries, and also stop giving these kids nice things. If they are going to steal and leave the house without permission then they don't get to have any screens, let alone screen time. Same goes for having friends over or leaving the house. If they are letting themselves out of the house then install better locks. And your partner needs to do a better job of providing a united front and doing his part in communicating clear expectations and boundaries to these kids. And enforcing them.
Would also suggest you make her write down the reasons why behaviours are wrong, and what the correct behaviours are and why. Have her explain herself what she did wrong, and also what she needs to do to do a better job of behaving.
Sadly it sounds like there has been too much leeway given for too long - and these kids haven't actually had consequences for their poor behaviour. The fact the kid even was given lego on holiday underscores this - why are you giving children gifts if they are misbehaving??

If you have been around previously then maybe it is just attention. The eldest will be more likely to remember you always being there, so the behaviour is a result of change. Boundaries and showing her you still have time for her is important. As the eldest there may also be pressure put on her to help out more (this could be unintentional and you don't realise you are doing it), which she resents. Having a lot of siblings can be fun, as lots of playmates, but also each time another comes along she will have lost a bit of undivided attention and younger children need more care so she will have lost out.

Can you give her any one to one time?

Sounds identical to my 7 year old son. He has adhd. 15% of population has adhd. I have it too, but my mum didnt think girls could be affected. With 3 kids i am home a lot. The things that save me are trampoline, swings, mini basketball hoops everywhere, i built an indoor gym. My house looks insane with so much equipment. But he needs to move an do exercise or he gets bored (and yes he stomps chalk). I get stuff second hand and old off fb marketplace. I got indoor swings, skipping ropes. If you think it might help look up properioception sensory activities. They help occupy my son so much.
he also loves it when i hide his toys. He gives me 10 toys eg 10 animal figurines and i hide them.
another option is to get a movement show for tv. My son will dance to Danny Go for 2 hours straight (i am not joking).
i send him on scavenger hunts around the house.
sensory activities can help eg

• swing
• trampoline
• jump rope
• water - we often just put him in the bath with bubbles and fizzy tablets
• sand any type of sand
• digging holes - our garden is trashed but i had to stop caring
• obstacle course
• balance beam
• out bed mattress on floor and they jump and crash land on it
• popping bubbles
• sometimes i just turn on tap in front yard put out some containers and hope for the best
• i make him in charge of stuff. He is bossy and the otger kids follow him. When i give him respinsibility he tends to do better.

i am at my wits end. I have had to move to a point of acceptance and just trying my best. Parenting a hyperactive adhd kid 24/7 is hell. From rhe moment he wakes at 5.30am he is full on. Yes i love them and there are beautiful moments but its unrelenting hell, I wouldnt wish it on anyone. Big hugs.

He'll finish early, who looks after them until then?

... me

You sound at your wits end and completely overwhelmed. 4 kids is a lot but as you say nothing you can do about that now, nor perhaps would you want to as I'm sure you love them all.
You came looking for parenting advice so here is what I suggest. There are likely to be some parenting groups somewhere near you. Some run online, your GP or early years service can put you in touch with them.
I work for a CAMHS service where I run a parenting course for exactly the things you talk about. It's called the Incredible Years. If you can't access a course there is a book that accompanied it which would at least give you some tips. It feels a bit American (because it is) but bear with it, i have really seen it turn families lives around. Of course it is easier with the support of a group so try that option first.
And good luck!

Have you seen Dr Siggie on instagram? She’s really good about creating firm boundaries that are calm and kind too

Take a look at cooperative board games. Outfoxed is a good one for younger children, but there are more and more being released. The idea is that they take it in turns against the game rather than against the board. They are a game changer (pun intended!) for children of different ages to all enjoy a game together. The older ones can help the younger ones to play without any element of cheating!

You need to actually supervise them, sounds like you have a lack of parenting skills, so go to GP and book yourself on to a parenting course. Supervise your children.