Husband won't 'return the favour'

[cookingaroast]

My husband and I have been together 15 years, married 10. I'm always pleasing him but feeling like my desires aren't reciprocated.

TMI - we have sex usually twice a week, I wake him up with hand jobs, I go down on him whenever he hints at it (usually once a week). I've asked a few times if he could go down on me and he always says he will, then it never happens!

We went on holiday last week and before we went, I asked if he could do it whilst we're away - a treat for me. He said that sounded great, I got myself all waxed - how we both prefer it - and was expecting it all week but no, I didn't get it. He got everything from me, and I really don't want to nag but this is getting frustrating.

I honestly think he's done it two, maybe three times in our whole relationship. Is this normal and something I should just accept? Beyond this, our sex life is good and I enjoy pleasing him. I'm not sure he's too interested in pleasing me.

Yes he hasn’t been honest. Maybe he sees it as one of those lies that are told to spare someone’s feelings. Sometimes that is the kind thing to do. But if OP hasn’t worked out that he doesn’t like doing it after 15 years then 🤷🏻‍♀️. Perhaps she does need him to graphically explain why he doesn’t want to. Or she could just accept, if he wanted to he would

Exactly.
And, when younger and single, even fantastised about giving a BJ, and got pleasure and turned on by the fantasy, and there's no "pleasing a man" involved at all in that.

Are you .. suggesting she has an affair?

Or she can leave him. He sounds like a using twat.

Standard MN advice is to leave rather than have an affair. PP said "secret friend" which implied an affair.

You need a discussion about this - out of the bedroom. Perhaps he doesn't like giving oral sex- fine. There are other ways he can pleasure you. If a chat illicit no change, stop pleasuring him.

@deydododatdodontdeydo yes I am suggesting that an affair would be satisfying and give the OP power, to feel equal. If it were discovered an affair with a woman would be easier to manage. I suggest. Her Partner would most likely be less upset than if another man penetrated his woman. Slightly less threatening for him.

Had this with an ex, frankly, she didn't taste very nice.

And, being that honest with her did kill the relationship. There could be an element of this to it.

This is not how sexual orientation works. Or marriage.

My 2 cents worth - those who say that no one should be pressurized to do something that they do not want to do are right. Relationships are give and take and it is clear that many are doing things for their partner's benefit, not their own.

Pleasing your partner should be a pleasure in itself. It has been said before that OP partner does not appear to enjoy it, but this needs to be discussed, understood and ultimately the decision accepted and respected.

I fully understand the frustration at sex feeling like a one-way street, it is not fair or reasonable, there may be alternatives as has been suggested. We need to respect the sensitivities of our partners - personally I love to pleasure my partner like this, but she is self conscious and does not like to receive it. She also is not keen on BJ either, I must accept this as I accept her.

This is what I would be doing in that situation;
Have a talk when you are outside, walking side by side in a neutral place (so he doesn’t have to make eye contact).
I would be withdrawing my expected offerings slightly for a while to reset things.
Subtly and nonchalantly dress more provocatively at certain times/ after my shower/getting dressed etc to gain a little attention.
Using humour and wit I would talk about some new modern expectations that you want to try “me before you” and “Ladies come first”, maybe with your expectation for the next month for example…so he has to take the lead.

I find it easier to have the conversation with my older “companion” by substituting the word as your “birthday present”, never anywhere near his birthday, but it always raises a smile, and much easier to talk about.
(have I missed your birthday?/it’s your birthday soon isn’t it?/is it your birthday today?)

(Feel free to shout at me, what do I know…….I’m old 😃)

So you feel that if he said 'no', there'd be no problem and the OP wouldn't have posted?

At least she's know where she stands and can stop giving him BJs.

@Thelnebriati You said "This is not how sexual orientation works. Or marriage."
It is not how either should work, I agree with you. But a 10 year Marriage shouldn't work the way it has been in the OP's case. She has been poorly treated.

An FWB would restore some power to her.

I don't think that 'at least' is what the OP is looking for, really.

What do you think she is looking for?

Excellent.

The solution here is adultery. That's bound to sort things out.

I think she's looking for advice as to how to handle an apparent sexual incompatibility.

Hey DH, is that you???

So so many people have misunderstood this and the other poor lady trying to explain.

the point is you like giving blow jobs because of the FEELINGS that manifest in both parties because of it, not because of the fact that licking a cylinder is in any way fun.

I voted YABU because you've spent 15 years expecting him to reciprocate when he has only done it 2 times in 15 years, now that's being a mug isn't it?

Yes a conversation is required and you need to stop giving him head etc I til things change, continuing to do it for 15 years in anticipation makes no sense because he is getting what he wants.

If he doesn't enjoy it then he should say so and stop stringing her along, tbh its her fault for being student along for 15 years.

Sex should be reciprocal with the aim of pressing your parents mutually not taking, taking, taking. I go out of my way to learn what my parents likes and I expect the same for both our sexual pleasure and satisfaction.

I’m reading every comment on this thread absolutely horrified at the number of hand maidens that still exist in 2025.

from the op herself ‘lucky’ to have this man (wtaf) to the poster who claimed women should obey their husband.

i hope to the heavens my daughters understand that they are absolute equals to men; equally deserving of pleasure; rather than growing up to believe, like at least half a dozen people on this thread including the op, that their role in life is to please their man.

I said at least she’ll know where she stands.

OP says ‘Having him say he doesn't like it would stop me wondering if he'll do it, and let me move on from the hope.’

What do you find incompatible about these two statements?

There are plenty of ways to pleasure someone, so if someone said they didn’t like doing something, that’s ok find a different way to do it