Husband won't 'return the favour'

[cookingaroast]

My husband and I have been together 15 years, married 10. I'm always pleasing him but feeling like my desires aren't reciprocated.

TMI - we have sex usually twice a week, I wake him up with hand jobs, I go down on him whenever he hints at it (usually once a week). I've asked a few times if he could go down on me and he always says he will, then it never happens!

We went on holiday last week and before we went, I asked if he could do it whilst we're away - a treat for me. He said that sounded great, I got myself all waxed - how we both prefer it - and was expecting it all week but no, I didn't get it. He got everything from me, and I really don't want to nag but this is getting frustrating.

I honestly think he's done it two, maybe three times in our whole relationship. Is this normal and something I should just accept? Beyond this, our sex life is good and I enjoy pleasing him. I'm not sure he's too interested in pleasing me.

So do you think that he is not entitled to his own sexual boundaries?

That because he/some men are lazy that it’s ok to coerce him into a sexual act he may not be comfortable with?

It’s not sounding any better…

I read that as kissing a Nespresso machine! I kind of almost do that every morning 😂 ☕️

Coerce? She’s not doing that whatsoever. Ridiculous leap.

And in most cases it’s not because they’re ‘lazy’ it is because they couldn’t give a flying fck about making their gf/ wife happy. Because actually, it doesn’t matter to them at all.

Also if you weren't into a particular activity, it would be fair for that to be made clear and come out quite early on in the relationship. As if it's the other person's favourite thing; they might then weigh up if they want to get into a long term relationship with the other person

@cookingaroast

OMG your post has taken me to a place of rage so sorry in advance for any projection.

Don’t do this to yourself. This is not how it’s supposed to be.

You need to have firm words and say that this current level of one way traffic doesn’t work for you anymore.

Suspend all “services” until it is properly addressed.

Some men are just so selfish and / or lazy.

It shouldnt be like this.

I was married to a man like your DH for 22 years! I did the most for him - the most - and I was happy to do so. However he didn't actually seem to care one single jot if I finished or make any attempts to reciprocate. Just take take take all the time.

I am divorced now.

I have also now very recently met someone new and honestly it’s like night and day. He is the most considerate and thoughtful lover and it is mind blowing to me.

I can’t believe what I missed out on.

We are not rampant (middle
age, busy jobs etc) but he always tries to please me, he wants me to enjoy it and he constantly asks if I am ok / want something else / want something more and basically is attentive and concerned about my enjoyment.

It has been an absolute revelation.

Talk to your DH in strong terms. He needs to level up and you shouldn't have to tolerate bad sex.

Good luck.

Not everyone likes licking genitals. But then I wouldn’t expect you to do it either.

No, but there are 2 people invoved in sex. not just a man and a sex toy.

Ask him outright. I know i'm late to this but hopefully you can get some clarity on why he doesn't seem to reciprocate.

I absolutely adore going down on my oh and love teasing him with this and he doesn't reciprocate very often but when he does, it's bloody worth the wait and he knows that.

@Boing98

Sex should always be consensual
and mutually pleasurable.

She asked for something in the context of a loving and committed relationship - and he said he would do it. Where is the bartering or coercion?

Stop your weird angle.

If he doesnt want to do something he can say that - it’s his wife. However making false promises is selfish / childish behaviour. All the while receiving exactly what he wants.

Don’t know what your agenda is but the OP is NOT the one in the wrong here.

I actually think that many men don’t know how to satisfy a woman (added to the fact a lot don’t care). If only they knew they’d be the most popular men if they did…

Probably a bloke 🤷‍♀️

wish they had the laugh reacts too this made lol 🤣

If he has only done that 3 times in 15 years, he doesn’t like doing it. He might not say he doesn’t like it but surely you’ve realised he doesn’t as he has so rarely initiated it. Do you really want him doing something he dislikes? I wouldn’t. And when men say their partner should submit to any sexual requests whether they like it or not… well you know how that goes so why would it be different for a woman?

Ridiculous post!

You need to discuss it with him. I'd withdraw my services.

The issue is he is lying about it. Op deserves a man that can fully satisfy her given the fact she is so generous sexually. He is stringing her along. I wouldn’t find this appealing.

It's nice you enjoy pleasing him but why doesn't he want to please you?
Do you suggest it during sex? Or just mention it in advance?
Do you tell him what will please you during actual sex?

I don’t get the bit about waxing as “that’s how you both like it” he doesn’t like it or he’d have done it more than three times in 15 years I think!

it’s not something you need to schedule is it? He’s not being straight with you, OP. You ask, and you’re getting waved off, ya ya, tomorrow … kind of thing.

Oh for goodness sakes how old are you? Honestly, waking him up with a hand job - does he want to be woken up? I wouldn't, my sleep is precious.

Not everyone enjoys oral, there's absolutely no reason why he should be pushed into doing it if he doesn't fancy it. You choose to go down on him, presumably you like to do that. If he was constantly pushing you to do so against your will, I bet there would be hell to pay.

You are being ridiculous, I'm not sure whether your post is serious or not.

What are you talking about? Her DH has given her oral twice in 15 years. She asked once if he could do it on holiday as a treat. He said yes that would be great. He didn't bother. The OP didn't mention it on holiday and hasn't mentioned it to him since. You call that continuously pestered? Yeah ok. 🤣🤣

I was about to say the exact same thing. It’s absolutely pathetic that a grown man can’t open his mouth and say what the issue is as he clearly doesn’t want to do it. Instead he’s stringing OP along.

However I do think it’s bizarre Op has just let it go on for so long too. Doesn’t sound like he has much respect for you,OP.

Not so much because he doesn’t want to go down on you, but how he’s approached it by making false promises instead of just being honest, all the while happily getting his.

Personally after that many years i would just stop asking, as i’d imagine he rely doesn’t want to and I don’t want to beg - but I’d also stop giving too.

He doesn't have to do anything he doesn't like
But he does need to be a grown up and tell you what is stopping him instead of leaving you hanging.

Simple as that really.

Not everyone likes doing this and you cannot force people. I would never go down on my late DH - do not like it or enjoy it. He accepted that. We did lots of other things acceptable to both of us.
Discuss - if DH finds it unpleasant just stop going down on him if you do not enjoy it.

Maybe he just genuinely doesn’t like it, DW never wants it doing, that’s her choice, even though I’d love to

I am sorry to say this but it isn't going to happen OP. Maybe he doesn't like it, maybe he withholds it to deliberately control you.
Work at finding someone who will please you in that particular way, man or woman. Most women who are into women will do it and ensure that both enjoy it.
Finding a secret friend might not be easy but it will be fun. That will be your bit of control that brings the power back to you..