Husband won't 'return the favour'

[cookingaroast]

My husband and I have been together 15 years, married 10. I'm always pleasing him but feeling like my desires aren't reciprocated.

TMI - we have sex usually twice a week, I wake him up with hand jobs, I go down on him whenever he hints at it (usually once a week). I've asked a few times if he could go down on me and he always says he will, then it never happens!

We went on holiday last week and before we went, I asked if he could do it whilst we're away - a treat for me. He said that sounded great, I got myself all waxed - how we both prefer it - and was expecting it all week but no, I didn't get it. He got everything from me, and I really don't want to nag but this is getting frustrating.

I honestly think he's done it two, maybe three times in our whole relationship. Is this normal and something I should just accept? Beyond this, our sex life is good and I enjoy pleasing him. I'm not sure he's too interested in pleasing me.

He either doesn’t enjoy doing this or he’s not confident or sure what to do… conversation is needed. But if he is good at pleasing you in other ways then that’s okay in my opinion. As long as everyone gets to have a nice time.

There's two separate issues here.

1. If he doesnt like that particular sexual act then he shouldn't be pressured into doing it. Just as a woman who doesnt want to give oral sex shouldn't have to.
2. Is he willing to pleasure you in other ways? If the answer is no then hes a selfish man and you deserve better. You can either sit down and have a chat with him or look at the whole of your marriage and decide if its worth continuing.

I agree with you - I find giving a blow job highly arousing but I won’t go into all the details as this isn’t the sex board 😂

Obviously you two aren't very sexually compatible but how did you not work this out before you got to the marrying stage?

I think you have a lot of communicating to learn how to do, both of you!

If he won’t give then he shouldn’t expect to receive.

Though I’ve actually seen things online about men who demand bj’s but refuse to give oral as it’s not what an “alpha” should do. He’s not an Andrew Tate fan is he op?

If a man posted this, there would be outrage - 'no woman should be forced to do something she doesn't want to do'.

If you don't like going down on him - don't.

If you like going down on him - crack on. But it's not a quid pro quo situation.

And for heaven's sake, talk to each other.

I got you 😊

Men either love it or hate it. He’s the latter.

How spot on is this!!

This is why lesbians have a much more satisfying sex life, than your average heterosexual sex life. Men just don’t satisfy women much, they don’t give enough orgasms (if any) despite the fact they have them so easily. And more to the point - they don’t care- why is that?

Why do you feel so lucky to be with him? He doesn’t satisfy you but that aside - he doesn’t care to. He doesn’t want to, he doesn’t like it.

I was with men for a few years, never had one orgasm but didn’t realise as I didn’t know what I didn’t know. And they didn’t care I guess.

Then I met a man who gave me lots of orgasms all the time one after another. I married that one ;)

So maybe discuss it and see why he’s not doing it. It’s not fair really that he gets all the good stuff. What do you get?

I agree but he doesn't seem to know how to use his words

I go down on him whenever he hints at it @cookingaroast

I love giving blow jobs. I get lots of pleasure from it and it turns me on. Surely most women are the same? Doesn't mean we want to give pretend blow jobs to fruit!

If this is real.

You are a mug, and are being exploited.

Your laughing emoji - is that you laughing at yourself or the suggestion that you might want to raise your bar from a hand maiden to a woman with self respect and dignity.

Is it not the reaction you find arousing though? Would it still be arousing if he didn't get hard and lay there silently like a sack of spuds?

Genuine question.

I refuse to give BJs, they feel degrading to me.

My thoughts exactly! Some very odd reactions to this - they’d be thought rather ‘rapey’ if the sexes were reversed.

But we do have pretend sex with vibrators and dildos.

The fact women’s sexual needs are largely ignored by society whilst men’s are prioritised is why you can’t compare the two conversations.

You know how you can be sexually aroused by kissing? But you wouldn't be aroused by kissing a kissing simulation machine? Or even by kissing someone you aren't attracted to? It's like that. It's really simple to understand.

Not at all. It’s a typical male laissez faire situation. She does everything to please him and he does nothing much nor cares to think about what’s she wants / needs / says. Probably the same in all areas of life, like it is for so many women. Typical bloke.

Yes, because they are designed to stimulate women's genitals in a way that will lead to orgasm. Masturbation is very different to sex!

Is he unconcerned with you getting pleasure and coming?

Or is he just not into doing that particular thing,

For me that's a really important difference.

No excuse if he's generally a selfish lover, but some people don't like doing that particular thing, although anyone unselfish would then feel uncomfortable about it being a one way street!

So because ‘society’ doesn’t prioritise women it’s ok for OP to coerce or blackmail DH into sexual acts he doesn’t want to do?

That still sounds unacceptable to me.

Love the idea of a kissing simulation machine. 😄

And of course if you're lazy you can simply claim not to be into a certain activity.