Children sleeping in parent’s beds

[questionaboutson]

I am divorced but this was an issue when I still lived with exH.

He used to let the children (I’d say encourage but maybe I’m being mean), sleep in his bed.
i always used to try and get them to sleep in their own beds as much as possible.
(we are from different cultures, not sure if relevant).

anyway, fast forward to now, my 6.5 year old daughter spends every night in her uncles bed when she’s at her dads. My 8 year old son has his father sleeping on the bottom bunk every night. When they’re at mine they sleep in their own beds, every time, unless they wake upset in the night, which is very rare).

totally happy to be told I’m being unreasonable but I really find it a bit ‘icky’ and uncomfortable. Hoping that I’m told I’m wrong and that I don’t need to bring it up with them. (Definitely don’t think anything untoward is going on with uncle - at all, I really just think it’s inappropriate and a bit engulfing/smothering of the dad and brother to be allowing this).

YABU - it’s fine for the kids to do this when little
YANBU - they should be in their own beds

What's the likelihood that a relative would sexually abuse your child?

How much more likely is an uncle to sexually abuse your child than your husband?

I presume you don't mind dads sharing beds with children?

Also, according to this study https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0145213421001411 biological mothers were named more frequently as perpetrators of CSA than biological fathers.

Children in parents beds - fine
Children in uncles beds (beyond a one off necessity) - really not fine

Call social services first thing and ask for advice. You have to protect your children. This is seriously not okay.

Sleeping in parents bed is fine at any age but the uncle is not a parent and entirely inappropriate

Female children sleeping in their uncles bed is NOT the norm in any ME country I know of. Co-sleeping with your parents is the norm.

The problem is even if you ask your exH to stop your dd sleeping in the uncles bed, you’re not there, you won’t know whether he has allowed it or not.
The only option you have to know 100% that this will stop is to contact social services. Really hope you actually do call them

This is what I'd say too.
Kids with parents fine.

Not with Uncle

I thought you were going to ask about kids sleeping in same bed as their dad - in which case I would say absolutely fine. But uncle, that's not ok.

My DD is 6 and she LOVES her uncle and aunty (my brother and SIL). She stays at their house often and they have her overnight whenever we go away. My brother wouldn’t let her sleep in bed with them. She was sick there once when we were away and SIL stayed in her bed with her, he was on vomit clean up duty. Sorry, but I don’t think it’s appropriate for her to share a bed with her uncle, even if he is a safe adult, I don’t like the president that it sets for the kid.

I see it as a red flag. I'm saying this as someone who has occasionally had my niece share a bed with me when she was very young, or she would sleep in my mum’s bed. But that was a unique situation. My brother had her when he was very young, and there wasn’t really space for her. It was more like a co-parenting arrangement. She also shared beds with her other grandmother and aunt. The aunties on both sides were still children themselves. My niece was the only one ever allowed in my bed. I wouldn’t let any other children, apart from my own, share my bed.

What culture is ex DH?

This is not normal even in cultures that routinely bedshare. Gender would share with some gender. Your daughter sharing with an aunt would be one thing that you might feel was a bit unnecessary, but with her male adult relative it’s whole different thing. Please don’t let this go on - it is a huge red flag

Culturally, there is a very broad range when it comes to cosleeping. Recently read an article that in most of Asia it is quite common for children to sleep with parents until secondary school age. I am not Asian but currently have two 8 yos in bed with me - not every night, but probably more often than not I have someone sharing my bed. Sleeping alone is a relatively modern concept, and while I have no criticism for those that prefer it (personally that would be my choice), I also respect that on an instinctual level it can be challenging for many children and very much advocate families lean in to what works for them without judgment

a lot of people are reacting strongly to uncle, but in diffierent family set ups that relationship might be very similar to a parent, in which case parent rules should apply. If the uncle is not involved at a parenting level then cosleeping is potentially weird and raises concerns if not driven by child but an assigned arrangement. If my dc went to their uncle in the night I would be more worried about my brother tbh than my children

I don't think there is anything wrong with children sleeping in a bed with their parent if the child needs that comfort, and it isn't forced by the parent.

The uncle bed sharing feels very inappropriate. What does your daughter say about it?

If dad won't listen you need to get legal advice around visits/overnights and decide what to do. You could also make a social care referral to flag it up, and so social care could raise the issue if it's going to be difficult.

You are misreading that conclusion. It doesn't say that biological mothers are more frequently named as perpetrators of CSA than biological fathers.

It says that in that study within the group of female perpetrators, mothers were named more frequently than fathers were within the group of male perpetrators.

The proportion of male perpetrators is still vastly higher than female perpetrators.

Studies of child sexual abuse show that men are more likely than women to commit sexual abuse in different environments (such as institutional, online or in the family home).4,5 Similarly, reports to the Royal Commission by victims and survivors revealed that 93.9% of institutional child sexual abuse was perpetrated by an adult man.6

4 Mathews, B., Finkelhor, D., Pacella, R., Scott, J. G., Higgins, D. J., Meinck, F., Erskine, H. E., Thomas, H. J., Lawrence, D., Malacova, E., Haslam, D. M., & Collin-Vézina, D. (2024). https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chiabu.2023.106562- external site.
5 Proeve, M., Malvaso, C. and DelFabbro, P. 2016, Evidence and Frameworks for Understanding Perpetrators of Institutional Child Sexual Abuse: : Evidence and Frameworks for Understanding Perpetrators of Institutional Child Sexual Abuse- external site.

6 Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Child Sexual Abuse 2017, Final Report: Preface and executive summary – Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Child Sexual Abuse, page 1.

My 6 year old loves to sleep in my bed, tbf so does my 12 year old the odd night, if their dad is working away, we all bunk in together BUT I still think your daughter sleeping with her uncle is not right. Her Dad or you wouldn’t bother me though x

I don’t think it makes a difference if he’s gay. Heterosexual people are supposed to be attracted to adults of the opposite sex, homosexual people are supposed to be attracted to adults of the same sex. Those who molest children are not following the sexual preference they announce to the world so whatever that is is irrelevant.

DD sleeps in our bed 4 nights out of 7. I can't sleep with her, she tosses and turns too much so I go to her bed and she stays with her dad. He makes her feel safe. She's 8. This has happened since she was old enough to walk in.

I don't know about the uncle situation honestly. I trust my DB 100% and my SILs husband... DD is close with both of them but I can't see her ever wanting to share a bed with them. If she did my first instinct would be to say no so I suppose I would feel weird about the situation. However, if either uncle was trying to tell DD she HAD to sleep in their bed then I'd have a much stronger reaction!

It could be completely innocent and I am pro safe co sleeping when appropriate to help a child sleep. However, I do think it could be a red flag and she obviously can sleep on her own, as she does so at home. I would raise you do not think appropriate.

Op this is concerning you must stop It.

Stop them going there for the moment.

Do not tell ex why.
Report to social services.
Maybe also take legal advice.
Could ex take children to his country of origin and refuse to bring them back? Or for you to see them?
This is why I say do not tell him.
Be very careful OP.

No I wouldn’t let my daughter share a bed with any man except my husband.

The bunk bed bit I don’t care.

Why doesn’t the dad share a bed with the daughter. And the uncle sleep on the bottom bunk?

This is so dangerous - I would report this to social services. It is unbelievable that your child is in bed with their uncle. Do you know child abuse mostly occurs by family?

Poor children. Do not allow this.

Go straight to social services! You have no idea if grooming is going on, or coercion. I simply cannot believe as a mother you are not reporting this.

Is Mumsnet investigating this post?

Because you haven't contacted social services.