Children sleeping in parent’s beds

[questionaboutson]

I am divorced but this was an issue when I still lived with exH.

He used to let the children (I’d say encourage but maybe I’m being mean), sleep in his bed.
i always used to try and get them to sleep in their own beds as much as possible.
(we are from different cultures, not sure if relevant).

anyway, fast forward to now, my 6.5 year old daughter spends every night in her uncles bed when she’s at her dads. My 8 year old son has his father sleeping on the bottom bunk every night. When they’re at mine they sleep in their own beds, every time, unless they wake upset in the night, which is very rare).

totally happy to be told I’m being unreasonable but I really find it a bit ‘icky’ and uncomfortable. Hoping that I’m told I’m wrong and that I don’t need to bring it up with them. (Definitely don’t think anything untoward is going on with uncle - at all, I really just think it’s inappropriate and a bit engulfing/smothering of the dad and brother to be allowing this).

YABU - it’s fine for the kids to do this when little
YANBU - they should be in their own beds

In what cultures is it normal for a 6 year old to sleep with her uncle?

The "grooming gangs" were cultural too. Child marriage, honour killings and as another poster mentioned FGM.

But that isn't true is it because you said it was encouraged when you and the father were still together.

I don’t think it’s dirty to be aware of a potential safeguarding issue. If some random stranger started talking to my kid in the street, I wouldn’t want to think anything untoward was on their mind but I wouldn’t just walk off and leave them to chat without keeping an eye on the situation because you just never know.

I have plenty of male friends and relatives that I would trust not to do anything to my kids, but I know for a fact none of them would happy about sharing a bed with a 6 year old girl. Even if they did it once or twice to make her feel better they wouldn’t be offering and starting off the night that way - they’d be trying to encourage her to feel safe alone.

Could be that nothing has happened and that’s why she’s fine about it, but it could easily be grooming. And there are some awful things that abusers say and do to keep kids quiet. Why risk it?

There is cultures like it but they also marry there nieces ect… and guess what ? There always young ! The op needs to sort her life out… disgraceful

Culture is to sleep with their parents not uncles! Unless there’s lack of space or something.

Don't be so utterly stupid. Most kids don't even know what sex is, nor would they be aware of when contact with relatives strays from appropriate to inappropriate. OP has not even thought to ask her DD about what happens in the bed - completely baffling.

Naive

I'm not saying women pose NO risk, but they pose nowhere near the same risk as men.

Could you post any studies to show that males and females do actually pose the same risk of abuse to children?
Didn't think so.

I misread your post. I thought you were saying that relatives pose no risk to children. We do know that a lot parents abuse their own children.

Rude, snippy.

I misread the original post. No need to get arsey.

I have nothing to prove to you in any case.

I have a good friend who is from one of these cultures where this is normal, and she was abused by both her older brother and her uncle. Another thing that is normal in that culture is extreme shame attached to sex and the idea that a girl is "ruined" if she has been abused, so it was never spoken of at all in her family. As an adult, she learned her sister was also abused. She is no contact with her family now, and even though she told her parents what happened, they don't understand why she won't visit them (the parents live in a multigenerational house with the uncle and the older brother and his wife live there too).

OP, please, please, stop this now. Never let it happen again, not even once.

Please don't call me stupid. I am a survivor of CSA. Some people are able to talk to their parents some aren't. You and I have no idea which category her child falls into. I would also say that a mother may see signs that something is going on with their child. The child doesn't have to understand sex to exhibit symptoms of the mental toll it takes on them or to know that something wrong is going on because it is often covert. Children speak to their parents in more ways than the verbal.

sorry for your experience 😢 - I went through similar trauma from family member

key problem is that most identify it’s an issue much later in life unless a trusted parent actually asked specific questions

so very likely these kids wouldn’t flag for years

I have a request for posters like @BrentfordForever When posting to threads like this one it's probably important not to be abusive towards posters when posting about abuse; e.g. calling people "stupid". It just isn't necessary. You can get your point across without doing this.

Did you mean me or is it a typo?

I didn’t call anyone stupid 🙂

My experience is different to yours. I suffered from mental health issues as a child, developing an eating disorder (this is quite common in CSA sufferers). Although I was an ultra good kid I was thought of as a bit difficult. My behaviour definitely changed after the abuse. My mother noticed the change but told me that she didn't understand it - I hadn't told her about the SA at this point, but it shows that she saw something was wrong even if she didn't know what. But that is just my experience. Every case is different.

So Sorry! Not you. You were very kind. I meant the other poster @DiaryofaProvincialLady

Oh yes the impact is likely to be immediate, you’re super right on that

but the realisation of what actually happened can take a while in certain cases

I am really sorry you went through this , I really hope you have found something that’s helping you

And actually, we don't know if there are no reports on female abuse because there is a research bias towards exploring male abuse (not that i want to let male abusers off the hook). As a survivor myself (perpetrator was a man) I would not want my child to share with a bed with males or females.