Children sleeping in parent’s beds

[questionaboutson]

I am divorced but this was an issue when I still lived with exH.

He used to let the children (I’d say encourage but maybe I’m being mean), sleep in his bed.
i always used to try and get them to sleep in their own beds as much as possible.
(we are from different cultures, not sure if relevant).

anyway, fast forward to now, my 6.5 year old daughter spends every night in her uncles bed when she’s at her dads. My 8 year old son has his father sleeping on the bottom bunk every night. When they’re at mine they sleep in their own beds, every time, unless they wake upset in the night, which is very rare).

totally happy to be told I’m being unreasonable but I really find it a bit ‘icky’ and uncomfortable. Hoping that I’m told I’m wrong and that I don’t need to bring it up with them. (Definitely don’t think anything untoward is going on with uncle - at all, I really just think it’s inappropriate and a bit engulfing/smothering of the dad and brother to be allowing this).

YABU - it’s fine for the kids to do this when little
YANBU - they should be in their own beds

Yes, and fairly often will only read the first post then jump in with some made up scenarios of their interpretation

As for your question, YANBU. At all. Please put a stop to this weird arrangement.

Has your daughter spoke about it?

I don’t think social services will be as shocked as many posters on here think they will but you could try. As you said, it’s a cultural thing and in some cultures this wouldn’t be an issue.

Yes, this evening, this is how I found out about it. I then gently asked her older brother for a bit more info about what exactly was going on. Then I came on here and got roundly shouted at.

I sleep together with my almost 5 year old and my 3 1/2 year old. We pushed three single beds together to make one massive bed. Our 1 1/2 year old would be in the same room, but there's not enough space. So she is in her cot bed in the adjacent room with the door left wide open in case she wakes up and cries.

As soon as she's old enough we will most likely cosleep with her, too.

My husband also frequently cosleeps with our children.

I hope you have some support to help you tackle this.

Ignore the people on here, they get some weird kick out of being nasty.

Thinking about it I'd be totally fine with my sister sharing a bed with my kids, I would have complete trust in her.

I haven’t voted as it’s unclear. Kids sleeping in bed with parents is normal. Little girls in bed with uncles is not normal. I’d ignore the results of the poll, the question was unclear.

Co sleeping with parents is fine. My toddler daughter sleeps in bed with my husband while I sleep in bed with our newborn.

the uncle aspect is a bit off though

It would still be inappropriate, but the risk of sexual abuse is far, far lower. So it would be a completely different scenario.

It's because they are blaming you. Is the Uncle gay? Because that would make a difference I think. I don't think it's fair to call a child and parent sleeping in the same bed 'enmeshment' and making out that is wrong. But, as others have said, sleeping with an uncle is iffy. Mind you, as an Aunty, I would sleep with my nieces if we were on holiday or something (I'm a woman)

I was sexually abused by the uncle from the age of 6, until I was around 10 in years old. I'm deeply disturbed by this!

I don’t think it’s ok, but then as a child if I ever stayed at my cousins my uncle used to get in the spare bed and I would always get in with my auntie. I didn’t have my own room though and we used to stay as a treat so not the exact same.

Why would it be inappropriate for an aunt to share a bed with nieces and nephews? Because I’ve done that many times.

my 6.5 year old daughter spends every night in her uncles bed

what the actual fuck - plenty of uncles inappropriately touch nieces. This is a shocking situation.

Same here.
Both dcs go to sleep in bed with dh or myself (whoever is doing bedtime) but then get moved to their own bed. Obviously they occasionally end up back in our bed for various reasons. When they stay at grandparents whoever is reading their bedtime story usually lays with them until they're asleep (thats just routine) but again once they're asleep they're left.

But no, I wouldn't be happy with my children sharing a bed all night with mine/dhs siblings or our parents and I trust them all.

If my brother ever has children i wouldn’t dare sleep in the same bed as them. Safe guarding comes to mind. The unkle bed sharing when the child has their own room with a bed that is odd. Children are more likely to be sexually abused by a family member or someone they know. Social services need a call.

My children would sometimes share a bed with my sister when they were little.

Is that dodgy?

Not really - unless you had a particular concern about her - stats show child abuse is vastly more likely to be men so the risk from an auntie is a lot less than an uncle.

The co-sleeping issue is almost a red herring. There's nothing wrong with co-sleeping done safely. The OP originally posted this as 'is co sleeping wrong'

The issue is having a non parent male family member solely in charge of a female child in vulnerable situations - could be bathing, changing, sleeping all night in their bed.

I’ve always slept in with aunts/grandma etc (gah, had to share a bed with an aunt last Christmas due to packed house and I’m 40 😭). But an uncle and his 6yo niece? That makes me very uncomfortable. I didn’t even sleep in the same bed as my dad after around 7 or 8, and we were an enmeshed family with unhealthy dynamics. I wouldn’t expect my DH to feel comfortable sleeping in the same bed as his niece, even though I 100% know it would be absolutely fine because he is no predator. But it’s just indefinably wrong.

Don’t make this about culture because it’s weird for any child to be sleeping with their uncle. Co sleeping with parents is a different thing entirely.

I've never co slept as a rule because of a health condition I have would make it unsafe but now my ds is older I let him come in its the middle of the night or poorly. Sleeping in own bed is a hard boundary of mine being a single parent with no support those 2 hours at night are the only alone time I get. Alarm bells started ringing though as soon as you mentioned about the uncle !!! At a push I'd say it's alright with the dad if they need comfort but definitely not with the uncle

OP - why isn't your ex sleeping with your daughter if she needs to cosleep with someone and his brother in the bunk bed under your son?

Totally agree. I know it goes against the current idea but I think having a baby in the same room as the parents leads to no-one getting a good sleep. The excuse is that it is safer, reducing cot-deaths, but that reduced dramatically when the then advice, to place a baby to sleep on their front, was reversed, which was ironically the contemporary advice followed by many, Parents should follow their own instincts more.

Yeah - same here. When we looked after our nephews and niece a couple of years back, one of the 3yo boys climbed into our bed one of the nights and passed out asleep on top of me. Never occurred to me that it was wrong or weird - he just woke up all snotty and wanted comfort from a familiar adult and that happened to be his aunt while his parents were away. Feels very different to an uncle and his 6yo niece going to sleep in the same bed each night though. I’m trying to pin down exactly why I’m fine with one but uncomfortable with the other.

I think you need to establish whether or not he’s been abusing her OP.