Children sleeping in parent’s beds

[questionaboutson]

I am divorced but this was an issue when I still lived with exH.

He used to let the children (I’d say encourage but maybe I’m being mean), sleep in his bed.
i always used to try and get them to sleep in their own beds as much as possible.
(we are from different cultures, not sure if relevant).

anyway, fast forward to now, my 6.5 year old daughter spends every night in her uncles bed when she’s at her dads. My 8 year old son has his father sleeping on the bottom bunk every night. When they’re at mine they sleep in their own beds, every time, unless they wake upset in the night, which is very rare).

totally happy to be told I’m being unreasonable but I really find it a bit ‘icky’ and uncomfortable. Hoping that I’m told I’m wrong and that I don’t need to bring it up with them. (Definitely don’t think anything untoward is going on with uncle - at all, I really just think it’s inappropriate and a bit engulfing/smothering of the dad and brother to be allowing this).

YABU - it’s fine for the kids to do this when little
YANBU - they should be in their own beds

theres a reason kids want to sleep with parents - it’s completely normal and natural. But the uncle thing … no

How do you know I’m not?

This.

I don't understand why a man would want his 6 year old niece to share a bed with him. And why her father would allow it. This is totally off.

Ok, thank you

No! My uncle sexually abused me so for goodness sake stop this.

I have no issue whatsoever with children bed sharing with their parents.

Parents, I get it if there’s no concern. Uncle? Absolutely fucking not.

Sadly, it seems to be rife in all cultures.

I'm kind of with this too but neither of my kids have a close relationship with aunts or uncles so it would be weird.

My eldest is 10 and on occasion we have a sleepover which is lovely. Same for his 8 year old brother, I love waking up and seeing their faces but I don't love them fidgeting which is why it rarely happens. I insist on pants for everyone but that's the only rule. I usually wear a bra anyway but if I didn't I wouldn't be so fussed.

But these are my children that I've grown, bathed them, changed their nappies, we've changed together countless times, done skin to skin when they were tiny so it feels very different to me sleeping with my nephew. The only way I think it's ok is if they are literally like a second parent.

Actually it isn't school that you should be contacting, it's social services.
You need to know that nothing untoward has happened and they have the skills to deal with this.
Social services will take a dim view if you don't raise it. Safeguard your child for God's sake.

@Emptyandsad Yes quickly let’s cover our eyes and act like there’s so such thing as cultural influence.

Culture isn’t all that relevant when assessing risk here, nor is appropriate to rely on when looking at individual cases, but the stats just do not support that sexual offences occur at the same rate over all cultures.

Bit silly to bring the cartoon into it!

There a many things in other cultures that are seen as acceptable to others of the same cultures but that doesn't mean that it is okay in the legal or moral stance of other people. Protecting our children from unavoidable potential harm is supposed to be a priority for most cultures.

Sharing a bed with a parent if poorly or after a bad dream is fine in my book.
A little girl sharing a bed with her Uncle has filled me with revulsion.

This is actually the crux of it. Imagine feeling the need to ask it in the first place. (whatever the OP has been through)
Shocking.

FGM is "normal" in many cultures.
Doesn't make it right though.

DD used to come into mine/DH bed until she was 6.
She is now a teen and on occassion we have shared a K/S bed in a hotel. DS is 15 , occassionally he gets into our bed in the morning for a hug /more sleep (he says our bed is more comfortable) everyone has pjs on.

I would 100% not be ok with bed sharing with another adult male relative (for either DC)
My extended family have fairly relaxed attitudes about bed sharing and it's led to a few debates as I (and DC) are not OK with it.

My daughter still sleeps in our bed when I am away. I was away last week and she slept in my bed the whole week with her dad. She is 11. I don’t think there is anything wrong with cosleeping with a parent but an uncle? Weird and inappropriate.

The fact that you made a post about bloody cosleeping with their dad, as opposed to calling bloody child services. The fact that you’re all ‘oooh, interesting’ to people’s comments. The fact that you’ve let this happen without DOING SOMETHING.

My 6 year old child sleeps with me every night, due to separation issues and so I can get a full night's sleep. When they have a sleepover at their grandmother's they sleep in her bed. They haven't slept in their own bed /cot since 10 months old. Is that different or not? Never thought of it as a problem. I obviously trust my mum.

Why is the uncle sharing a bed and not the dad? It’s alarming that neither you or their dad immediately saw the issue with this and stopped it happening.

Parents totally fine. My teen DD still pops in occasionally after a bad dream although just with me, not DH.

Uncle - absolutely no way for a 6-year old girl. Possibly same sex occasional co-sleeps for aunts and uncles but it would be odd for that to be the every day situation.

The dad used to encourage it when I lived with him. We had many fights about it

Then they are idiots

Culture excusing not tackling a safeguarding issue ……

….. we’ve been here before -

OP - trust your gut,
it is NOT right,
report it. Call it out. Protect your kids

if the dad / uncle are decent people, they will respond to education around this concern,

If not… then you have SS to help u

So you knew it was wrong but it carried on.
I'm sorry OP, I'm out now.
Safeguard your child please.

The dad encouraged his daughter to sleep with his brother when you lived with him?