Friend upset because of a comment I made about renting

[scarystories]

Last week, I caught up with a close friend and we started talking about pensions. This topic came up because I recently started a new job and chose to opt out of the private pension scheme. I've always made this choice for various reasons that I won't bore you with, it’s a personal decision that suits me. However, I completely understand why others would choose to have one. Of course, I might live until I'm 90 and end up eating beans on toast every day, who knows? But that's my issue, not anyone else's.

Anyway, I told my friend that I wasn't worried and was hopeful that my mortgage would be paid off in the next 20-30 years, so I wouldn't have to worry about that monthly expense. I mentioned that it's harder for people who rent, as that bill will always be there. This comment upset her because she rents, and she felt I was looking down on her. That was not my intention (I actually rented for 7 years before buying my house). I was only stating a fact: rent is a constant expense, whereas a mortgage eventually ends.

Was I wrong? Should I apologise?

@mylovedoesitgood yes, 40 years. That’s the reality of mortgages now I’m afraid. I already work full time.

@MounjaroMounjaro thank you, I really appreciate this comment 😊

Why is op in a more vulnerable position than anyone else?

Because she earns an average income, she lives in a one bed house so unless she wants to sleep in a sofa she can’t take a lodger in, she has nobody else to share the bills with, she’s not paying into a private pension, and as her deposit was small she’s saddled with a mortgage for 40 years unless she can somehow pay it off early. Also, the economy is terrible and will worsen when AI takes more and more of our jobs, and finally - you don’t get much help from the government if you can’t pay your mortgage, just some crappy loan which probably won’t cover the repayments. The vast majority of mortgage payers aren’t in this position.

Eh? OP was speaking the truth. It's very simple to understand: rent is a cost for life. Why is the truth to be avoided?

@mylovedoesitgood I know quite a few people that are in a similar position and live pay cheque to pay cheque. 40 year terms are very common now too, unfortunately. That’s the only way people my age can get onto the property ladder. I’m not sure what you expect me to say. That’s life, it’s shit, but we move.

I think you need to look inwardly at what insecurities in your own life are causing you to assume such negative intentions in other people's words, when any stable person can see none were intended...

But she's not vulnerable until she becomes vulnerable - loses her job, for example.

Until then she does what we all do - she gets on with it as best she can. I am coming to the end of my mortgage but there were years when I was just getting by for one reason or another. We find a way don't we?

I have never heard of a 40 year mortgage, but people have to pay rent for 40 years and more so why not?

You weren’t insensitive. You were stating an absolute truth. You may have actually given your friend something to think about. If she can afford holidays and concerts she might be able to get a mortgage too with a re-prioritisation of her spending. But don’t mention it anymore to her. It’s her life. I hope you are listening to the people saying you need a pension. I know you feel you can’t afford it but it’s better to start young. You really need a pension. There will come a time you aren’t fit enough to work anymore and the state pension will not cover the standard of life you have now, nowhere near it.

When you were paying rent and saving for a deposit….can you not redirect that deposit savings to your rent. The state pension will be next to nothing when you retire.

To summarise the thread (and every other thread on MN): whether we rent or own we're all fucked.

Rent as a never ending bill seems a strange concept. It is just a cost of accommodation- when you own a place even with no mortgage there are many never ending bills- council tax is high and generally pretty poor value, with as many add ons (bin collection, parking etc) the Council can squeeze out of you.

There is maintenance (some of which you don't pay when renting) and constant small jobs- plumbing, heating, fencing, painting etc.

Some of these will involve dealing with unreliable tradesmen, and end up quite frustrating.

So no accommodation is free of constant costs and at times hassle.

She sounds over sensitive. Its a fact you were stating. She is possibly feeling bad that she is 'only' renting but you did yourself for 7 years as do most people at some stages in their lives. If she has an issue. Its her issue tbh, I wouldnt be calling her and making a big deal of it

I have a 40 year mortgage as do several friends. I was 27 getting it.

The retirement age will probably have gone up to 85 by the time you've paid it off, so you'll be okay.

I can only comment for myself, but yes I would feel like it was a bit of judgy comment. My husband and I are 44 and 49 and, despite both working, are long-term private renters. We didn't meet until later on in life, both previously married, and have three children between us so circumstances mean we're not in a position to be able to get a big enough mortgage to meet our needs.
We both work in caring professions which are not well-paid but both love what we do and feel a lot of reward for working with some of the most vulnerable in society.
I hope people would judge us on that rather than the fact we don't own our own home.

I mean you do know just because your mortgage eventually ends your also in charge of paying for new boilers,roof repairs,gutters,windows, maintenance, insurances etc etc etc the list goes on so you will be very lucky not to actually end up spending more than a rental where everything is covered

I own my own home but it took me until turning 40 to be able to do. Raised children whilst working and studying and saving every scrap of money i could to put towards a deposit. Eventually managed it and know by retirement possibly earlier it will be totally mine. I also pay into pension so that i will be able to fund myself when no longer working.

If you can save enough to fund your own living expenses then that’s ok if you just spending today to let the next generation pay for you that’s not fair.

When i was stuck renting it stung when other people announced buying a property and made comments about not being stuck renting and most was because they had a partner with decent income or inheritance from a family member. You can’t help but feel jealous and demoralised when you doing all you can and feel getting no where and feel so alone. But i would feel that myself or just rant to my mum i didnt want to be unkind to anyone else or appear bitter. I have a friend at moment who really wants to own her own place but her health meant she has had to greatly reduce working hours and she never saved when she was working so now she’s bitter about things but just tell her apply for social housing, buy a lottery ticket, keep trying to save etc just listen to your friend and be understanding don’t make them feel like trapped and a failure for renting.

Not judgy at all. It's a fact that rent doesn't come to an end.
I'd be crapping myself if I were in rented and approaching retirement. I'm sure it's a genuine concern many people in this position have.

She's obviously tetchy about it and projecting that on to you.

Anybody that Is likely to live to over 70 is nuts to not pay into a pension. Literally nuts. Some people are forced to rent. They don't have options. You are both foolish and insensitive.

Some people prefer to have savings. I know of 3 men who dropped dead before they received their pensions.

It’s pretty automatic now to be honest. You get used to thinking whilst listening

I’m also a bit of a bugger for interrupting, so this has helped with that too

If it’s a fast conversation I just think ‘if I say this next think will it make things better or worse’

Not completely true - lots of rents come to an end

People move in together
They get a better job
They inherit
They move to a cheaper area

It’s not an absolute fact

Bloody hell if they got offended by that then they’ll get offended by anything. Apologies for what simply stating a fact. What is wrong with these people

That isn't the rent coming to an end. That is the renter's circumstances changing.