Friend upset because of a comment I made about renting

[scarystories]

Last week, I caught up with a close friend and we started talking about pensions. This topic came up because I recently started a new job and chose to opt out of the private pension scheme. I've always made this choice for various reasons that I won't bore you with, it’s a personal decision that suits me. However, I completely understand why others would choose to have one. Of course, I might live until I'm 90 and end up eating beans on toast every day, who knows? But that's my issue, not anyone else's.

Anyway, I told my friend that I wasn't worried and was hopeful that my mortgage would be paid off in the next 20-30 years, so I wouldn't have to worry about that monthly expense. I mentioned that it's harder for people who rent, as that bill will always be there. This comment upset her because she rents, and she felt I was looking down on her. That was not my intention (I actually rented for 7 years before buying my house). I was only stating a fact: rent is a constant expense, whereas a mortgage eventually ends.

Was I wrong? Should I apologise?

@BeltaLodaLife also, where did I say she’s “only a renter” ?

i know its not the point of the thread, but you'll regret not paying in to a pension.

@PorridgeAndSyrup thank you for understanding. That’s exactly what I meant, but unfortunately people always like to find the worst in someone.

@noidea69 yes, I agree, I probably will. I’m not sure where I’m suppose to find the extra money to pay for it though.

Do you really go through that process before every time you speak in a flowing conversation? That must make for some very stilted conversations.

I think it was an insensitive comment, even if you didn’t mean it to be.

I have a few friends who talk non-stop about their grandchildren and how wonderful it is being a granny, when some of us may not get to experience this joyful life-stage.
I’m happy for them of course, but it can sometimes get right on my tits.

You literally said I made you feel guilty for not paying into a pension 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

If you are unable to comprehend why your comment made your friend feel bad when she’s told you and l, along with others, have tried to explain then I don’t think you’ll listen to anyone. You clearly lack empathy and general understanding of how you affect others. It’s like saying “I’m so glad my dc don’t have to share bedrooms” to someone whose dc share bedrooms. You’re criticising them in a non direct way and they will understandably take offence.

Most of us can make that level of assessment quickly during a conversation.

I rent OP, and as a single parent it will be a long time until I can buy (if ever). I’ve had more than my share of insensitive or tone deaf comments (why don’t you just buy somewhere? Oh I’d hate having to move so often. I’m so upset we’re being made redundant - I was hoping to buy a new kitchen next year, oh well, at least I don’t have a mortgage or rent to pay 🙄). Your comment wouldn’t have bothered me in the slightest. If you said it as you did in your op, you were recognising your privilege. But some people are more sensitive than others. I would apologise but don’t let it hang over you, you didn’t mean any malice x

@TeenLifeMum Actually, I said "don’t make people feel guilty". I didn’t refer to myself specifically.

So when I said, "I understand it must be tough for those who rent because that bill will always be there," does that imply I was criticising my friend for renting? Rather than showing empathy towards all renters, not just her? Got it.

I’m simply a horrible person who shows no concern for others. Understood.

That's what I said. Homeowners who have their house paid for, should not be too smug and disparaging of 'renters,' because they will shell out 10s of 1000s of pounds over the years (even when they are mortgage free,) for repairs and maintenance forever. Renters don't have this problem. All repairs and maintenance is covered.

Also, renters on low income/no income, will have their rent paid if they end up out of work. No-one is going to pay the homeowners repair and maintenance bills!

The people who are in the most fortunate of all (IMO) are people in social housing. Often cheap/affordable property with a long-term or lifetime tenancy, and all the repairs and maintenance done. (And housing benefit if they can't afford the rent.)

Really? You think most people consciously go through an instant 5 step process before each stage of a conversation. I have never even heard of it and will certainly not be slowing my life down to introduce it to my already overwhelmed overthinking brain.

That was in reference to the way a lot of renters are spoken about on mumsnet. It’s sort of a mumsnet trope that you should, of course, own a home and not be “only a renter.”

I think what you said is fine within The context of weighing up the fact you don’t have a pension. You were just providing your rationale for the decisions you’ve made.

@BeltaLodaLife oh okay, I misunderstood. I do apologise.

You said nothing wrong. There are always pluses and minuses about every decision financial and otherwise.

As you said later, your friend has a partner and they could buy should they wish to.

Like you, I scrimped and saved to get a mortgage and feel glad to have something to hand on to the child I've fostered.

Hopefully when you retire you won’t be one of the people who complain that the state pension is inadequate and you need other state benefits because you haven’t done the responsible thing and built up a private or occupational pension to provide more than a very subsistence level of retirement (which is all the state pension will give you).

@CelestialGazer Please take a moment to read my comments carefully, as they will clarify why I haven't contributed to one. It's not due to a lack of responsibility.

@SylvanianFamiliesBalcony Once the food is consumed, it isn't down the drain.

Totally not the point of this thread (or the point you were making), but where else does food go after you've consumed it?!😅😂

God you sound awful! You come across as look at me! You do realise by the time you retire there may not be much in the way of state pensions so your friend may actually have the last laugh!

What you said is totally true. 🤷‍♀️

Does anyone in your household claim benefits? PIP?

This is idealistic though and is rarely the way it works.
Theoretically renters should have everything updated and maintenance paid for and done in a timely manner. In reality many people who rent daren’t rock the boat too much for fear of landlords ending their contracts and finding tenants willing to put up with shoddy maintenance.

@Horserider5678 it might be helpful if you read my other comments 🤷🏼‍♀️

@Agua2025 I live alone and I don’t claim any benefits. Why do you ask?