Friend upset because of a comment I made about renting

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Last week, I caught up with a close friend and we started talking about pensions. This topic came up because I recently started a new job and chose to opt out of the private pension scheme. I've always made this choice for various reasons that I won't bore you with, it’s a personal decision that suits me. However, I completely understand why others would choose to have one. Of course, I might live until I'm 90 and end up eating beans on toast every day, who knows? But that's my issue, not anyone else's.

Anyway, I told my friend that I wasn't worried and was hopeful that my mortgage would be paid off in the next 20-30 years, so I wouldn't have to worry about that monthly expense. I mentioned that it's harder for people who rent, as that bill will always be there. This comment upset her because she rents, and she felt I was looking down on her. That was not my intention (I actually rented for 7 years before buying my house). I was only stating a fact: rent is a constant expense, whereas a mortgage eventually ends.

Was I wrong? Should I apologise?

As somebody who is almost 50 and renting I think your friend is being stupid.

To me it’s painfully obvious that, social housing aside, renting in retirement will devour my income which is why I am desperate to get on the housing ladder. Why does the truth annoy her?

Sounds like you need a budget. Does your employer do a match? If so that is free money you are leaving on the table.

@JHound Thank you, but I already have a budget in place. Having lived on my own for almost 11 years, I've had to be extremely careful and sensible with money. I shop at Aldi and Lidl, I don't drive an expensive car, I buy clothes on Vinted (and not very often at that), and I haven't been on holiday in years. If I had the means, I would contribute to one. It's hard as a single person trying to cover everything on my own. Unfortunately, my pension has had to bear the consequences of that.

I don't think you need to apologise, OP (returning to the original question, I think), but you might want to tell your friend that you didn't mean to upset her and are sorry that you did.
Her response and the way your views align on this subject sound quite complicated. You don't look down on her but you have in mind that you prioritised buying a property over other things including a pension, and she's chosen to spend her money in different ways. So it's not straightforwardly that you could easily afford to buy and she couldn't. But maybe she resents you thinking like that.
I have a friend who could have bought a flat after receiving an inheritance and has left it too late now - she works hard but earns little, didn't feel ready to leave her rented flat for several years, so has used up a big chunk of the capital on living expenses. Her choice, and I would have done differently because I'd be scared of relying on the rental market, unless as a HA or council tenant.

Completely agree - additionally, the help from the government is very limited, if you can’t pay your mortgage, compared to anyone who’s renting. The RRB will also help renters. Being a ‘homeowner’ isn’t always the easy street some think it is, especially with no private pension and only having one income. I also think that the march of AI inadvertently means there’ll be a huge amount of repossessions within the next ten years or so.

I'm sorry but you do sound condescending OP.

Why mention renting at all? Have a think about that question, because renting bears absolutely NO relevance to you or your situation, so why even bring it up? You could have said what you said without mentioning people that rent at all.. to your friend who just so happens to rent her house!

Of course it was a dig about people that rent their homes, and by association it was a dig at her, whether you did it on purpose or just don't think before opening your mouth remains unknown, the friend has obviously had enough of it though!

Answering the question, there was no need for you to say that about renting since it wasn’t relevant to the conversation and you knew your friend rents. If she too had a mortgage that would be different. So it was a clumsy comment, in my view.

@sandyhappypeople @mylovedoesitgood I shared that I had chosen to opt out of the scheme, and she responded by saying she wouldn’t want to take that risk. She mentioned knowing another friend who had 30k in her pension and thought that was a wise decision. I admitted that I might be foolish for not having one, but I was hopeful that my mortgage would be paid off at least. However, I understood that this might not be feasible for many people, especially those who rent, as they would still need to cover their rent payments. That was the extent of it. It wasn’t meant to be a criticism of her, it was simply a conversation and a general observation.

I understand your perspective, it may have seemed that way. I believe I should apologise because I don't want her to feel hurt, but there was definitely no malice intended on my part.

As a long term renter I’ve been on the receiving end of comments like this regularly so on one hand you’re not uniquely bad on the other I find it curious why in this one respect so many people feel it’s appropriate to be so crass?

You absolutely look down on your friend and feel that you did better. That’s what came across in your comment.

You were unkind and you don’t better to own that rather than seek vindication from strangers.

You knew what you were saying when you said it and that it would hit its target. So you’re a homeowner rather than a tenant, big whoop whoop.

You friend should feel sorry for you.

Opting out of workplace pensions is bizarre and financially inept. You are giving away years of free money from your employers' contributions. Plus your money going in is tax free.

@Jewel52 yep, not true. Nice try though! I’ve already explained my intentions a million times, if you can’t be arsed reading the thread I’m not going to waste my time repeating myself. Have a good night 😊

@daisychain01 where do you expect me to get the extra money from to pay into my pension? If you have any suggestions, please let me know. Thanks

You worded it clumsily. Your friend knows the difference between renting and mortgage I’m sure. Maybe it hit a nerve because the position she is in means she may never own a home. As someone who has rented and owned I did find people look down on renters. Perhaps not so much now as rent often costs more than a mortgage!

People are sensitive… take care what you say and add a disclaimer

@Selfsetfree yeah I totally get that, but as I mentioned in my op I rented for nearly 8 years so it wouldn’t make any sense for me to “look down on her”. I know how hard it is.

I shared that I had chosen to opt out of the scheme, and she responded by saying she wouldn’t want to take that risk.

Ah, it sounds a bit tit for tat then to be honest when you put it like that, she subtly criticised your choice to opt out of a pension, and you subtly criticised her choice to rent instead of own by explaining that you wouldn't have any outgoings when your mortgage is done.

You should have stopped there to be honest, going on to specifically mention people renting being worse off later really has no bearing on you and what you are planning on doing, so it just come across as an unnecessary dig, but it sounds like she made you feel a bit defensive with her dismissive comment, so maybe that is why it popped out.

It's always dodgy territory discussing things like this with friends when you have very different viewpoints/life goals, it can easily come across as critisism even if it isn't intended.

But you’re not in that position now so your position is now different to hers. You may have to cut back on holidays etc and be careful but does she? Maybe there is a lifestyle difference that made you consider that comment about renting/buying. It wasn’t relevant to the conversation but it’s done now.

It's very hard living alone. Bills are hard enough to pay if there are two of you but when you're on your own it's really difficult.

I'm sure the OP knows that when she does get some money, with lower interest rates or a higher salary, she needs to focus on a pension. She's clearly got her head screwed on regarding finances.

What you said is true. You're not crowing or showing off. You're saying that she will have the extra pension, but that you won't have rent to pay so it balances out - sort of. However I doubt her extra pension will be as useful as your rent-free status. Those of us who own our homes are lucky for now. My home has almost trebled in value since I bought it. There is no way that I would be able to afford it today and no way that I could afford to rent it on a pension.

I have just a few years left of my mortgage (it goes quickly!) and am trying to pay it off earlier. Your post has reminded me that I soon won't have that expense, which is an absolute weight off my mind.

@sandyhappypeople I have no clue if she intended it as a jab, but I definitely didn’t interpret it that way, and my comment wasn’t meant to be a jab either. Our friendship has never been about that kind of back and forth, competition or anything like that. It was simply a casual observation. It’s unfortunate that people don’t see it that way, but I assure you my comment was truly not a jab. I can’t reiterate that enough 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yep, spot on.

The op seems to think this is an either or situation. Owning a house doesn’t nullify the need for a pension.

@Selfsetfree Just because I'm not currently in that situation doesn't mean that I can't understand those who are. Surely?

In any case, I've reached out to her and expressed my apologies if my comment seemed thoughtless, that wasn't my intention, and I hope she’s okay. Hopefully we can forget about it and move on.

I’ve read more of the thread and whilst I know it’s not the point I can only echo others about you being foolish about opting out of your pension. I get the impression your repayment period is long, you only have your own (average) income and you don’t have the option of taking a lodger. To be blunt, you’re in a vulnerable situation. Can you get a second job?

@Jewel52 Jeeze, you’re out for blood! When did I ever say that? I’ve always agreed with other posters who mentioned that I might end up worse off, surviving on beans on toast, and so on. I’ve even mentioned it in my original post 😂. It's not a competition, even though you appear to believe it is.