Friend upset because of a comment I made about renting

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Last week, I caught up with a close friend and we started talking about pensions. This topic came up because I recently started a new job and chose to opt out of the private pension scheme. I've always made this choice for various reasons that I won't bore you with, it’s a personal decision that suits me. However, I completely understand why others would choose to have one. Of course, I might live until I'm 90 and end up eating beans on toast every day, who knows? But that's my issue, not anyone else's.

Anyway, I told my friend that I wasn't worried and was hopeful that my mortgage would be paid off in the next 20-30 years, so I wouldn't have to worry about that monthly expense. I mentioned that it's harder for people who rent, as that bill will always be there. This comment upset her because she rents, and she felt I was looking down on her. That was not my intention (I actually rented for 7 years before buying my house). I was only stating a fact: rent is a constant expense, whereas a mortgage eventually ends.

Was I wrong? Should I apologise?

I rented for years. Only stopped a few years ago. i wouldn't have been upset by what you said. I don't think it's judgemental and I don't think it's insensitive.

I think it was insensitive and depending on how you said it and how sensitive they are, I can understand why they'd be upset but I don't think you need to beat yourself up about it.

The 'it's money down the drain' 'you're just paying your landlord's mortgage' comments get so wearing honestly. They imply that renting is a stupid foolish decision someone shouldn't be making. When in reality most people who rent rent because homeownership is a goal out of their reach.

I think it’s probably just something she is already aware of and feels sesnsitive abo it. I rent, it’s pretty shit and scary to think that I will still be renting in my 70’s and beyond so I can understand why it might make her upset/stressed out.

I think that was a relatively factual statement.
That said, home ownership isn't necessarily cheap even if you've paid your mortgage off, due to ongoing maintenance costs. At least as a renter, these are covered by the landlord.

So that’s your reaction to someone pointing out the reality of not having a pension. So the same as your friend had to your comment about renting?

why is your reaction okay but hers isn’t?

not having a private pension means that you are very likely to find it harder to live and rely on the state. Much as renting will.

I think it was insensitive of you and you should apologise.

It may be factually true what you said but so are lots of thinks we wouldn’t want friends to point out. For example, that we’ve put on weight or have become obsessed by our grandchildren or pets.

You have to try not to say things that could upset friends.

No, that is a true and innocuous statement. Every month, instead of paying an amount towards owning our house, we pay it towards a landlord - money lost. If she is upset, it is because of her own insecurities regarding renting.

As a long term renter I don’t think it’s insensitive, it’s simply a fact.

@2024onwardsandup What reaction are you talking about? I'm not upset in the slightest. I've mentioned before that I understand the risk of not having a pension. I'm fully aware of that, so I'm not quite sure what you're trying to say? Also when did I claim to be better than her or that I wouldn't face challenges? There's a chance I might struggle just as much or even more. All I said was that I hope my mortgage will be settled by the time I retire.

@gannett The comment wasn't directed at her personally, it was just a general observation. As others have mentioned, I might find myself in a similar or even more challenging position since I won't have a pension (my choice) along with expensive repairs etc. I'm not upset by people pointing that out, it’s the truth.

You were stating a fact. I rent and I'm not offended

Must admit, this is how I interpreted it also that OP is actually empathising with hr friend. Some people are just overly sensitive I think. As an adult, I don’t understand not being able to have such an innocuous conversation without needing an apology afterwards. Surely if it hit a nerve, the friend would know that it wasn’t maliciously said (as I assume OP wasn’t saying this gleefully or anything).

@OriginalUsername2@Butchyrestingface Yes, I believe that could be the case, and I appreciate that perspective. Of course, I didn’t intend it to sound nasty or imply that I’m better than her, but I can see how it might have been interpreted that way.

I really don’t want her to feel hurt or think I was being condescending, so I will apologise.

I wouldn't rely on the equity in my house to last a lifetime. My uncle died recently aged 100. As my cousin commented at the time theres nothing left in the will for him or his brother. Uncle was retired for 40 years , with the last 10 years being spent in a care home along with my auntie. They had to sell up when savings were used up in care fees and then the proceeds from the sale of the house were exhausted.

You should apologise because your comment made her feel you were looking down on her. You can assure her that you do not, you know that most people have to make difficult financial choices. I'm sure if your friend said that she was glad she has a pension to provide an income when she retires, you wouldn't think she was criticising your decision.

Also I think pensioners have rent paid by housing benefit. I might be wrong about that though.

What you said wasn’t rude, but if I became aware that I’d upset my friend I would apologise. Why wouldn’t you? You didn’t mean to upset her, and she’s your friend.

It's not a comment I would have made in conversation with someone who was renting, no. You were honest and truthful though, I don't see that you should apologise.

You just touched a nerve I expect, no doubt this is something that has worried her at times and for whatever reason she has not yet purchased a property and wonders will she regret that.

Money is usually a subject best avoided between friends. It sounds like you raised it in the first place by bringing up your pension decision.

I read what you said as sympathetic towards renters, but it would have been better not to add that bit.

I also wouldn’t make assumptions about whether she can buy a house more easily than you did, unless you know the ins and outs of all her finances and any other reasons she and her partner haven’t bought one.

I think it sounds really snooty.

Oops you just outed yourself as judgemental and looking down on her, despite claiming earlier than you didn’t.

in this case, the way you came across in person is probably more insensitive than your OP made out.

Do you aim to contribute in the future? If you can’t afford it now I am guessing you don’t have independent wealth (although maybe future inheritance?). Because you can’t really rely on there being any sort of assistance when you retire and given you opted out of contributing there might be conditions to any help such as selling your house if it put you above any capital threshold.

It was a factually accurate statement OP so I'm not sure why she was so upset but nevertheless, if I thought I had offended a friend with something I had said I would apologise.

In all honesty she will probably be better off in retirement than you anyway if you have no pension just due to the costs of maintaining your home and the lack of state support for that if you are a homeowner. As others have pointed out she will have no maintenance costs and will be eligible for some state support in all likelihood unless she has a good private pension.

My mum and dad's next door neighbour (early 80s) relies on a state pension only and her owned home is in a desperate state of repair. She relies on the goodwill of her church members (and my parents) to help out with maintenance as best they can but she is already preparing herself for having to sell when her ancient boiler packs in for good as she won't have any money to replace it and she is likely to only get a fraction of what the house is worth due to its dreadful condition.

Good grief, you made a factual statement. She might think it isn't sensible not to pay into a pension fund. You didn't invent the concept. I am not sure how your friend navigates life if she is upset about this.