Just call me by my name!!

[BTECBetty]

I have a four-syllable name, which I hate being shortened. Yes, it’s long, but it’s not difficult to pronounce, so if people try to shorten it, I just correct them and tell them I prefer my full name. Most people just apologise and don’t do it again.

Except one colleague. No matter how many times I say “My name is X”, she will still try to shorten it to Y. What makes it even more frustrating is the shortened version she uses isn’t even an accepted shortening of my name - think calling me “Jenny” instead of “Genevieve”. She definitely knows she is doing it, as when I’ve picked her up on it, she makes a big performance of using the shortened name again the next time and then saying “Sorry, I mean X” - every time. No one forgets every time.

Anyway, today was once too often. I snapped that my name is X, I want to be called X - not Y, not Z or any other invented version of my actual name. I pointed out that I’ve said this time and time again. She went off doing a hurt face, muttering about how I didn’t need to be stroppy about it.

I wouldn’t give a damn if it was just her saying she was upset - she’s clearly never given a toss if I’m upset. But now our manager has got involved. He took me to one side and said what I said “Could have come across as aggressive”, and that maybe I could have asked more calmly. I pointed out that I had asked calmly several times and got nowhere. He tried to laugh it off, saying different people just had different preferences about these things, and that maybe colleague found using my full name a bit formal. I stood my ground and said she didn’t get a preference about someone else’s name - my name is mine, and I don’t want to be called anything else.

There wasn’t really much my manager could say to that, but I still feel like he’s making it my fault rather than hers, when she’s the one doing something wrong. I’m now sitting on a bench down the road from the office munching on a pasty, hoping it doesn’t rain, because a) I want comfort food as I’m pissed off and b) I don’t want to sit in our break room and have her come up to me and pretend to be all “I didn’t mean to upset yooooo”, when I know very well she’ll go back to shortening my name tomorrow.

I’ve reached the point where I want to raise this formally, even if it just forces my manager to acknowledge that he can’t blame this on me. WWYD?

Sounds like bullying to me, and I’d be going in all guns blazing to get it to stop. She is very very aggressive and it is uncomfortable to you

my professional opinion is that this would be taken very seriously if she misgendered you so why shouldn’t this be taken seriously too? Once or twice, fine. My continuallu doing this constitutes bullying imo.

my unprofessional opinion is that she’s a dick

Can you put it a grievance?
The manager handled it terribly too as you said it your name nobody else gets to change becsuse they " prefer " a shortened version .

my professional opinion is that this would be taken very seriously if she misgendered you so why shouldn’t this be taken seriously too?

I've been thinking along similar lines. I also think she’d be pulled up pretty quickly if she didn’t even try to pronounce an Asian or African name correctly. Why should mine be different?

my name is my name

completely! I totally relate to you! I am constantly being called a different but similar name to my own because the person said they can’t pronounce it, but they can, I’ve tested them! Being called the wrong name daily is really starting to get to me but other people think it’s a fuss over nothing. For illustration it could be the difference between Sara and Sarah but my name isn’t Sara!

Solidarity! You have my sympathy

Just pick a random nickname for her and call her that untill she starts getting your name right.

I’d make a complaint and talk about how it’s upsetting you. Your colleague is calling you by a name that isn’t yours. Doesn’t matter if it’s a nickname sometimes used for your name or not, you don’t use it so it isn’t yours. It’s equivalent of being called Sandra when your name is Fiona. It’s not your name. Be firm about this. It’s not a nickname - it’s not your name.

I think you should bide your time. Go back into the office and say nothing. But the next time she uses a shortened version of your name, you go straight to your manager and make a formal complaint. Then there is no excuse on her side because the manager has gotten involved and its very 'public' that you have requested she address you properly.

I think, for the sake of your sanity, and to Prevent a murder I’d be super, overly, irritatingly sunny with this woman until she gave up. Because right now she’s enjoying this game and you most definitely aren’t. I’d play her at her own game - it’ll mess with her mind and give you a great sense of satisfaction.

as someone who hates the shortened version of their name I totally get it. And you are right, it's irrelevant what they prefer - it's your name, and it's just plain rude to continue to use the shortened version once corrected. You get to decide what you want to be called.

if she reverts to calling you the shortened version, report it each and every time to your manager. If on email, copy them in. And ask them to deal with it.

She’s a bullying thicko. I would def make a formal complaint. Enough is enough and your manager certainly hasn't helped the situation. Did manager observe this exchange? Or has someone told him? If someone has told him then you should def get your side of the story recorded formally.

Also ensure you ignore her if she tries to start an interaction with the wrong name.

Wait until she does it again, preferably in front of witnesses so she can’t deny it, then make a formal complaint. She’s doing it on purpose. Tempting as it is, don’t mis-name her as that will undermine your case.

He tried to laugh it off, saying different people just had different preferences about these things, and that maybe colleague found using my full name a bit formal. This is a reasonable argument/explanation for her, not for you: "Different people have different preferences. Sure, your mum is Elizabeth and everyone calls her Liz and your bestie Elizabeth likes to be called Beth, but Elizabeth Coworker goes by Elizabeth, so that's what we call her."

She went off doing a hurt face, muttering about how I didn’t need to be stroppy about it. So what does she suggest you do in order to get her to stop using the wrong name, as non-stroppy methods have not worked either? Perhaps the manager should ask her that: "What would it take for you to remember to call Elizabeth by the correct name? How can we help you remember?" 🤔

As a Geordie and lover of a Greggs pasty I hope it has worked it's soothing magic op..
I have an unused name.. Ds's mate actually laughed and said well it can't be that when ds told him.
His defense being he was a teenager.
Not a grown woman who is blatantly bloody rude. Take it to the top op.

Not unreasonable at all and incredibly unprofessional of the colleague to call anyone by anything other than their preferred name.

I worked on a team with two Davids. Both asked to be called David. The one two grades above the other somehow always managed to ‘forget’ to call the other David and always referred to him as Dave. The fact that the ‘junior’ David was better educated, better at his job, more respected than the ‘senior’ one speaks volumes…… Power !

Oh, but if you’re white it doesn’t count as a microaggression. Or so a friend was told by some 12 year old DEI trainer when she made that exact point.

I wouldn’t blame you for taking this further - both your colleague’s behaviour and your manager’s response.

Would your request to be called by your own name be seen as aggressive if you were a man? Your manager is trying to get you back into your box. Set fire to the box.

Just don’t respond if she calls you by the wrong name. It’s not your name just imagine she’s said Desmond or Vanessa instead of “Liz”.

I’m the opposite I’d love to have a shortened version of my name (Clare). However I might shorten Kelly to Kell but I wouldn’t dream of shortening some who introduced them selves as Victoria to Vicky even if everyone else called them Vicky. Obviously unless they correct me.

My daughter is called Elizabeth but has been known as lizzy her entire primary school life. Unfortunately she didn't particularly want to carry it over to secondary school but lo and behold all the teachers call her lizzy. She prefers liz or Elizabeth. They even called her Izzy for the first 6 months ffs

All of this is reaching quite a bit.

Your issue is your issue. Hopefully your strop has worked. If she reverts back to it, start calling her by her first initial.

Her issue? Strop?

It’s passive aggressive to the point of bullying to continually call someone a name that is not their’s and is not what they’ve asked to be referred to as.

I hate my name being shortened so understand how you feel.

Personally I think it's rude to go ahead and do it without checking with the person first. I always call people by the long version of their name unless they specifically say to me "Oh just call me Andy" or whatever.

Given you've told her numerous times, what else could you do!