Just call me by my name!!

[BTECBetty]

I have a four-syllable name, which I hate being shortened. Yes, it’s long, but it’s not difficult to pronounce, so if people try to shorten it, I just correct them and tell them I prefer my full name. Most people just apologise and don’t do it again.

Except one colleague. No matter how many times I say “My name is X”, she will still try to shorten it to Y. What makes it even more frustrating is the shortened version she uses isn’t even an accepted shortening of my name - think calling me “Jenny” instead of “Genevieve”. She definitely knows she is doing it, as when I’ve picked her up on it, she makes a big performance of using the shortened name again the next time and then saying “Sorry, I mean X” - every time. No one forgets every time.

Anyway, today was once too often. I snapped that my name is X, I want to be called X - not Y, not Z or any other invented version of my actual name. I pointed out that I’ve said this time and time again. She went off doing a hurt face, muttering about how I didn’t need to be stroppy about it.

I wouldn’t give a damn if it was just her saying she was upset - she’s clearly never given a toss if I’m upset. But now our manager has got involved. He took me to one side and said what I said “Could have come across as aggressive”, and that maybe I could have asked more calmly. I pointed out that I had asked calmly several times and got nowhere. He tried to laugh it off, saying different people just had different preferences about these things, and that maybe colleague found using my full name a bit formal. I stood my ground and said she didn’t get a preference about someone else’s name - my name is mine, and I don’t want to be called anything else.

There wasn’t really much my manager could say to that, but I still feel like he’s making it my fault rather than hers, when she’s the one doing something wrong. I’m now sitting on a bench down the road from the office munching on a pasty, hoping it doesn’t rain, because a) I want comfort food as I’m pissed off and b) I don’t want to sit in our break room and have her come up to me and pretend to be all “I didn’t mean to upset yooooo”, when I know very well she’ll go back to shortening my name tomorrow.

I’ve reached the point where I want to raise this formally, even if it just forces my manager to acknowledge that he can’t blame this on me. WWYD?

Well @BTECBetty Betty if I may 😃She sounds like an absolute cow with no manners or respect, it's infuriating! Your manager was an asshole too so it's great you have that email, like you said "paper trail"

I have a relatively short name, 5 letters, two syllables & I quite literally only get called it at school/work or by my doctor, friends & family shorten or lengthen it depending but that's our perogative, same with my friends names & how I address them, this is not that! it's beyond P.A. & I really hope it gets sorted out for you

No this is her pulling a power play, I agree with you that her actions are out of order. Only you decide what you want to be called, she doesn't get a say.
I have a legal name, and my nickname is so different everyone asks why it is what it is. But actually everyone with my nickname has the same legal name... if that makes sense. It is just an old British thing and I was named after my relative.
However I once had someone who when they found out my legal name tried to shorten that and pretend to not understand why I would never respond to the many variations they came up with. No one has ever used my legal name except at the doctors. That person was an arsehole.
Now my ex, the father of my children, who never once called me my legal name, only refers to me as my legal name as if it is an insult... really it is just him trying to show some level of power.
You've done everything right, hats off to you.

Blokes get nicknames all the time. Or their surname used. I think this type of complaint by the OP is something only women would complain about.

I don’t know why the complaint, I wouldn’t care one jot if a colleague/friend/family member used a pet name for me. Bigger fish to fry.

Bully for you this isn't about you though.

It's not childish to want to be called by your name.

if the op had snapped the first time the colleague called them the wrong name, that would be wrong and overreacting. But not after many attempts to be called the correct name.

it's just a dick move to call someone by the wrong name repeatedly.

you might not bother. And that's absolutely fine if you don't care. But others do. And that deserves respect. And by deliberately choosing to call someone by a different name, shows how little respect that person has for their colleagues. And sadly has a weak manager who could have just pointed out that the situation was of their own making and could have been avoided by using the correct name.

part of being a manager is dealing with difficult personalities from time to time. The op hasn't created this - their colleague did. She just wants to be called by her name. Hardly a big ask, in fact it's just the basic level of politeness. Sadly though beyond her colleagues ability.

I read the op I know what happened.

I agree that it’s not in the same ballpark as so-called “preferred pronouns”. But in line with that, a person’s name (unlike pronouns) belongs to them and is theirs to do what they choose with. And if Seraphina wants to be called Seraphina and not Sally, she’s entitled to have that respected. And if someone repeatedly doesn’t respect it in a passive aggressive way, I think that is bullying and should be dealt with.

No - I am simply someone with a different opinion to you, @Flyswats - and I’m entitled to state it without someone resorting to personal insults. It may come as a surprise to you, but your opinion is not the only right one.

I don't understand those who say PP is being petty/childish etc.
If I worked with you and suddenly decided I was calling you Sue, which is not your name, then you would be fine with it? It's endearing and a pet name for you, despite you not considering me a friend? Those saying PP is being unreasonable would happily accept being called Sue?! No, they wouldn't.
But what is worse is this person was told repeatedly not to do call OP this. She ignored. She continued. She decided her need went above OP. Rude. But then when told firmly one time this person ran to the boss to complain! Ridiculous.

Maybe you missed the OP's later post:

I didn’t shout. I spoke firmly - perhaps even sharply - because several previous attempts to handle it diplomatically have failed.

That's not throwing a tantrum.

I agree. If I was your manager I'd think you a petty drama queen. Like something would happen between two primary school children.

Id be really petty.. either ignore her completely till she said your actual name.. or call her by her full name every time.. So instead of oh "Amy? can you do this?" it will be oh "Amy Jennie Smith, can you do this?" when she asks why your using her full name you say, i though we made up our own minds on what we call people, like you do..

I also don't care if someone shortens my name, but I would care very much if someone wanted to be called something different to what I was using. No way would I repeatedly do so.

Your email was great. I hope you get a good response.

Same, I always ask students how they want to be addressed.

I have a double-barrelled name. Teachers used to end up shouting the wrong name (girl in my class was forever mixed up with me) and if I ignored them shouting, I’d be told off! So ridiculous. It wasn’t my name, why would I respond? Oddly, there was a girl with the same name as me in the year above, you’d think teachers would have learned!

i wonder how many of us are obliviously waltzing round with nick names we don’t know we’ve got. 🤣

I think it's bullying.

A colleague at my previous company kept on addressing me by surname ( ex: think "The Smith" instead of "Angela"), although I asked him plenty of times to stop.

He also was a racist, a sexist and quite an unpleasant person.

It’s in a par with “bring your whole self to work” - actually, I won’t, thanks, because then I might end up telling a few people what I actually think of them 🤣. I’ll stick with bringing my professional self to work.

1. put in a grievance, make a formal complaint and meanwhile
2. don’t respond to any other version of your name when she uses it. If she’s calling you, ignore her. If she’s asking you a question, ignore her. If she responds to a conversation with others and she uses the shortened version of your name, don’t respond or react. Don’t make eye contact , don’t look at her or just look through her. TAKE HER POWER AWAY. If she calls you by the shortened version of your name, you don’t respond and she eventually uses your full name, suddenly come to life and respond. Do this every single time in front of everyone. I think it will work. Btw, she’s jealous, has low self esteem or whatever but the issue is hers, not yours. And your manager dealt with it extremely badly.

Why do you keep obsessively saying “tantrum” like this? Did you just hear the word this morning and are desperate to use it? You are starting to sound a bit deranged.

I am not “unprofessional”. Professionalism is about doing your job well; reliably, efficiently. And yes, sometimes it means putting irritants to one side for a moment to deal with something more important. But what it does NOT mean is putting up with any old crap. And flouncing off, accusing someone of being “stroppy” because you have consistently refused to comply with the most basic request and they’ve called that out, is most definitely not professional.

Perhaps you’ve never dealt with workplace politics. Based on your bizarre responses on this thread, I’d be surprised if you’ve ever had a workplace full stop.

Then you’d be a crap manager.

And this is why we need the laughing emoji back.

As I said to an earlier poster - “Congratulations”. Quite why you think how YOU, or random blokes, would feel in this scenario is relevant is beyond me.

Oh I know mine 😆

One of my principals when I was teacher training was named "Neil" spelling but insisted it was "Niall" as an Irish speaker it never landed, t was always wrong, not intentionally

Names are personal

My ex-mil has called me a shortened version of my name for 26 years. Before I married her son and afterwards.
I've learned to accept it.
In a professional setting though, I'd stand my ground. Doesn't matter if you want to be known as Rumplestiltskin, that's your name and colleagues should acknowledge it