Just call me by my name!!

[BTECBetty]

I have a four-syllable name, which I hate being shortened. Yes, it’s long, but it’s not difficult to pronounce, so if people try to shorten it, I just correct them and tell them I prefer my full name. Most people just apologise and don’t do it again.

Except one colleague. No matter how many times I say “My name is X”, she will still try to shorten it to Y. What makes it even more frustrating is the shortened version she uses isn’t even an accepted shortening of my name - think calling me “Jenny” instead of “Genevieve”. She definitely knows she is doing it, as when I’ve picked her up on it, she makes a big performance of using the shortened name again the next time and then saying “Sorry, I mean X” - every time. No one forgets every time.

Anyway, today was once too often. I snapped that my name is X, I want to be called X - not Y, not Z or any other invented version of my actual name. I pointed out that I’ve said this time and time again. She went off doing a hurt face, muttering about how I didn’t need to be stroppy about it.

I wouldn’t give a damn if it was just her saying she was upset - she’s clearly never given a toss if I’m upset. But now our manager has got involved. He took me to one side and said what I said “Could have come across as aggressive”, and that maybe I could have asked more calmly. I pointed out that I had asked calmly several times and got nowhere. He tried to laugh it off, saying different people just had different preferences about these things, and that maybe colleague found using my full name a bit formal. I stood my ground and said she didn’t get a preference about someone else’s name - my name is mine, and I don’t want to be called anything else.

There wasn’t really much my manager could say to that, but I still feel like he’s making it my fault rather than hers, when she’s the one doing something wrong. I’m now sitting on a bench down the road from the office munching on a pasty, hoping it doesn’t rain, because a) I want comfort food as I’m pissed off and b) I don’t want to sit in our break room and have her come up to me and pretend to be all “I didn’t mean to upset yooooo”, when I know very well she’ll go back to shortening my name tomorrow.

I’ve reached the point where I want to raise this formally, even if it just forces my manager to acknowledge that he can’t blame this on me. WWYD?

But she didn’t. So it isn’t racism or abuse. This is not the equivalent to that. It’s not nothing and it should be stopped, but let’s not conflate it.

Your colleague is bullying in a pernicious way. If/when it happens again tell her (and your invertebrate manager) you are taking it up with HR. She can call you Ms Surname otherwise.

I really dont get the posters stating this is "conflict for the sake of conflict" its someone being rude and unpleasant
Names matter and ignoring others preferences shows intolerance
Yet the "conflict for the sake of conflict" posters seems to feel we should just tolerate other people rudeness.

Next time she uses the shortened version, you calmly say "You know full well how much it upsets me to be called that. You know it is not my name. You can only be continuing to do this quite deliberately in order to bully and belittle me and communicate to me constantly how worthless you think my right to my own identity is. I will be raising a formal grievance against you."

Missing the point entirely but I couldn't care less of someone shortened my name , it's generally done when you know someone very well perhaps she meant it as a term of endearment?

Shouting at someone in the workplace is unprofessional no matter how she was pushing your buttons so you were wrong there

Just ignore her every time she says your name incorrectly, or alternatively correct her every time

No it's generally considered rude to deliberately call someone the wrong name repeatedly when they have been asked not to
How could it be a term of endearment, when the Op has repeatedly asked her to call her by her name ?
And whilst it may not bother you it does bother the Op.

I have this. Four syllable name. I don't like the shortened version. It gets so bloody annoying having to correct someone again and again.

Yes, you are indeed missing the point entirely.

If you knew that before you posted, why did you post?

Because it's a public forum , and I offered you a suggestion at the end which you are free to heed or otherwise. Tbh I'm begining to see why you react so badly to something fairly innocuous

It’s not “generally done” unless that’s what you want, in my experience. I have a short for my name that I hate.

Clearly there are people out there with no boundaries.

And the OP has corrected her, but she’s not a saint. Everyone reaches the point when they snap. But the colleague was unprofessional to start with by ignoring the OP’s request to use her name.

I would ask her if she has any concerns with her memory because its worrying that you have asked her so many times to not shorten your name and she seems to be struggling to remember, or even raise with your manager those concerns. Because the only excuses are memory issues or she is doing it on purpose.

Definitely bullying. Does she have something against you?
Someone I worked with A, took against another staff member, B, and started calling her by her boyfriend's ex girlfriend's name. Every time it was oops sorry, but it was obviously deliberate and upsetting for B. The line manager didn't want to get involved so B went over her head to HR and it was considered to be a bullying matter and dealt with appropriately. I think you should go to HR if your manager doesn't take you seriously.

Your colleague is a total bellend. She is a childish bully who is trying to get a rise out of you so give her what she wants by making a formal complaint. If she continues and you need to take this further you need to prove that you asked her to stop and went as far as making a complaint. Ask your manager for a name badge to help the total bellend to remember your name.

If your colleague was mispronouncing a name of a different religion there would be an absolute case of racial bullying.

Your name is your name. Mine has one syllable, 4 letters and still people fuck it up. You do need to make a formal complaint if it happens again - she's been told several times nicely, and now one not nicely, to the point your manager has had a word with YOU! Next time it happens you need to report it to your manager by email. After the third time you need to meet with manager to formally request action be taken.

Thank you for so many supportive comments! It’s nice to know people understand 🤗

My manager was out this afternoon, but I decided that might be a good thing, as it gave me an opportunity to put everything in an email (and therefore create a trail). I have said:

”Dear manager,

After our conversation earlier I wanted to clarify a few things. Firstly, Colleague deliberately - and it is deliberate - getting my name wrong is an ongoing issue that I have raised with her repeatedly. I am disappointed that, when you spoke to me earlier, your main concern was around how I responded, rather than the fact that there was anything to respond to in the first place.

Secondly, a colleague repeatedly getting my name wrong is not about preferences, a “clash of styles” etc.. My name is my name and not up for debate. It is in my work email address, on my team organisation page, my lanyard… Colleague cannot say she is unaware of my name. If she is having trouble pronouncing it, she can ask me and I will reconfirm it.

I would like this matter to be addressed as soon as possible please.”

So you personally couldn’t care less. Erm… congratulations?! You got the bit about missing the point entirely right anyway!

I didn’t shout. I spoke firmly - perhaps even sharply - because several previous attempts to handle it diplomatically have failed. I’m afraid you sound like my manager; a blame shifter. You are focusing on my reaction rather than the action.

Good for you! Bloody cheek of her whining to your manager when she's the arsehole here.

@Maddy70 - doing it once or twice might be a term of endearment - but this is not what has happened to the OP. She has repeatedly asked this co-worker not to use the shortened nickname, but to please use her full name, but the colleague has continued to use a name that the OP dislikes and does not answer to.

And frankly, your likes and dislikes are irrelevant here. The OP does not want her name to be shortened, and has asked repeatedly that her colleague stops using the shortened name. She feels that her name is an important part of her identity, and that it should be her choice, no-one else’s, what name she is called.

Repeatedly using a name that someone has asked you not to use is a form of bullying - even if that name is cute or kindly meant. If someone gave you a nickname that offended or hurt you or that you didn’t like, and refused to stop using it, you might begin to understand why the OP feels the way she does. I have experienced being bullied with a nasty nickname, and it is horrible, and left life long mental scars. Try to have a bit of empathy.

On the off-chance that you are still reading this, @BeanQuisine - if you had a colleague called Jennifer, and you called them Jenny, but they asked you politely not to shorten their name, would you carry on using your choice of nickname for them, or would you have the manners and respect to use the name they have asked you to use? If you would refuse to use the name you have been politely asked to use, then you would be the ‘type’ no-one wants to work with.

I hear your pain OP, I am the opposite, I cannot stand my name and want it shortened, all my records state I don’t want to be called ‘Jennifer’ I wish to be called Jenny. When my parents pass away i’m going to change my name to my shortened name by deed poll.

Our new director at work has repeatedly called a member of the team the wrong name. Even after she raised it with him, he introduced her to the new COO by the wrong name.

We already know he’s doing it on purpose, but I’m going to show her your post. He really is a prick.

Well done OP. Hope the bullying cow gets a dressing down.

Elizabeth is a very common name and every Elizabeth I've ever met has shortened it somehow.
She's probably so used to doing this that it's second nature.
How often are you interacting with her? If its infrequently then It probably is just a genuine mistake

Have you RTFT?

Just start calling her Gary or Wayne.
It takes a lot to piss me off but someone not having the fucking courtesy or two brain cells to rub together to call you by your own name is one of those things that boils my piss.
I have always worked in a hugely multi-cultural environment and have no qualms asking people to guide me through their name pronunciation; its basic manners to use someone’s correct name FFS.