Just call me by my name!!

[BTECBetty]

I have a four-syllable name, which I hate being shortened. Yes, it’s long, but it’s not difficult to pronounce, so if people try to shorten it, I just correct them and tell them I prefer my full name. Most people just apologise and don’t do it again.

Except one colleague. No matter how many times I say “My name is X”, she will still try to shorten it to Y. What makes it even more frustrating is the shortened version she uses isn’t even an accepted shortening of my name - think calling me “Jenny” instead of “Genevieve”. She definitely knows she is doing it, as when I’ve picked her up on it, she makes a big performance of using the shortened name again the next time and then saying “Sorry, I mean X” - every time. No one forgets every time.

Anyway, today was once too often. I snapped that my name is X, I want to be called X - not Y, not Z or any other invented version of my actual name. I pointed out that I’ve said this time and time again. She went off doing a hurt face, muttering about how I didn’t need to be stroppy about it.

I wouldn’t give a damn if it was just her saying she was upset - she’s clearly never given a toss if I’m upset. But now our manager has got involved. He took me to one side and said what I said “Could have come across as aggressive”, and that maybe I could have asked more calmly. I pointed out that I had asked calmly several times and got nowhere. He tried to laugh it off, saying different people just had different preferences about these things, and that maybe colleague found using my full name a bit formal. I stood my ground and said she didn’t get a preference about someone else’s name - my name is mine, and I don’t want to be called anything else.

There wasn’t really much my manager could say to that, but I still feel like he’s making it my fault rather than hers, when she’s the one doing something wrong. I’m now sitting on a bench down the road from the office munching on a pasty, hoping it doesn’t rain, because a) I want comfort food as I’m pissed off and b) I don’t want to sit in our break room and have her come up to me and pretend to be all “I didn’t mean to upset yooooo”, when I know very well she’ll go back to shortening my name tomorrow.

I’ve reached the point where I want to raise this formally, even if it just forces my manager to acknowledge that he can’t blame this on me. WWYD?

Is your name Isabella and she’s calling you Izzy?

I get this all the time, not bothered one bit by it.

It is bullying by undermining you in this way repeatedly.

I had a colleague who kept calling and addressing emails to Lau. My name is Laura. When I asked him he said "The Welsh always shorten names like this" i had to point out none of our other Welsh colleagues did it.

I understand why your manager may have seen you as aggressive but when you explained the history should have stopped making excuses for her and agreed to speak to her.

Id put in a complaint. And in future when she called you "Jenny" id ignore her, id complete no action points for "Jenny" and if asked id say... we discussed this, Jenny isnt my name so I haven't been paying attention to Jennys tasks. Anything appropriately addressed to me ill pick up

If she came up to me again and say the shortened version I would look blankly at her and say who? I don’t know anyone of that name here and walk away, or if there is someone with the shortened name I would just so oh xx is over there and walk away

i would simply refuse to engage now as you have consistently asked her to use your full name

as others have said it could be considered a form of bullying, so if the above didn’t work I would be going down that route

My mum was called Jennifer, and hated being called by any shortening of her name. She had an absolute death stare if anyone tried to call her Jenny or Jen - no-one did it more than once.

On the other hand, I have chosen, for many, many years, to use the most common shortening of my name, but when I asked my mum to use that, instead of my full name, she got very cat’s-bum-mouth about it, and never really committed to doing what I’d asked. There are still family members who only know me by my full name, but ask I don’t see or speak to them much, it isn’t really an issue.

If someone I saw on a daily basis was refusing to use my chosen name, I would be very annoyed, and I don’t think you have been unreasonable at all, @BTECBetty.

Perhaps, when she says “but I didn’t mean to upset youuuuu”, all faux apologetically, you need a reply ready - something like “I appreciate your apology, and I hope that, going forward, you will remember that my name is X, not Y or Z, so this matter doesn’t have to be escalated.” Be calm but firm.

Good for you. Can you understand that others might not feel the same way?

I found that not responding to the shortened version of my name eventually did the trick. I didn't respond automatically anyway, as within the family I have a cousin with the male version of the same name, and he was always addressed by the shortened form to avoid confusion.
Said irritating colleague huffed at first, but gave up when it got no results; it just made him look like the wally who couldn't quite get people's names right.......
I hope the Gregg's pasty was suitably soothing, by the way!

Can you say that as she appears incapable of correctly addressing you by your first name, she can call you Mrs "Surname"?

in that case why did you join this discussion?

She sounds a total knob. I suspect that she was doing it to see if she could get a rise and then make it all about her. I'd be tempted to call her a made up version of her name (but then I'm in a particularly snipey perimenopausal mood at the moment so not the best advice!)

this would diminsh OP’s case
the colleague would see this as an extension of her game
two wrongs do not make a right

Ask your manager how he wants to handle the issue. He knows you have asked her to stop doing this. Does he want to address it informally with her or does he want you to raise a formal complaint? Make it his problem.

I might be an outlier here but at this point it’s a battle of wills. She’s being petty by not calling you by your preferred name repeatedly. And if you’ve corrected everyone and they all know your preference then she’s seen by everyone as the petty one. But if you raise it as a grievance then you’re kinda sinking to her petty level by letting her behaviour bother you in my opinion.

presumably she’s got form of being awkward with other colleagues too - not necessarily names but I’d guess there’s something.

unless the office opinion is firmly against her, you’re branding yourself as slightly petulant by raising a formal grievance. And if the office opinion is firmly set against her then it could be seen as you bullying her.

I’d just try to come up with a stock phrase to correct her every single time without fail that you can say calmly and just repeat ad infinitum and try to not sink to her level.

Ah maybe this is better!

Start calling her Twatty

My name is Amanda but I've been known as Mandy my whole life. I used to have a colleague who insisted on calling me Manda which pissed me off no end. I'm with you. You should be called what you want to be called.

On a professional basis, I always check what people prefer, Dave or David etc.

God I'm a bugger for shortening a name. I think it's because I have a ridiculously long name that is constantly put into nicknames so am used to it.

I would never do it more than once though if somebody asked me not to that's a dick move!

I would do the same. Don't respond to a name that isn't yours. If she wants to talk to you she can use your name.

I think you need to raise this more formally with your manager.

Saying something like “I’ve thought about what happened and now consider this needs a more formal approach. I’ve tried many times to deal with A always addressing me as y by telling her calmly that this isn’t my name. Today I told her slightly more firmly and she has become upset by this. I am not happy to be addressed as y when my name is x, and I should not have to accept this. I will now come to you each and every time A addresses me as y, so that you can take the matter up with her formally”.

Childishness from both sides here. My sympathies are with the manager who has to mediate this sort of nonsense.

Why “on both sides”? The OP has a name, her colleague refuses to use it despite being politely asked to several times, the OP then was more firm. The manager is a weakling.

Literally who can be arsed with this shit!
Just called her Dave until she gets the message.

It's conflict for the sake of conflict.

Shortened names and nicknames are par for the course in most workplaces. What your workmates call you should surely be entirely trivial, unless they're using an actual derogatory term.

If the other person is doing it to annoy, it's because she's recognised that the OP is annoyed by something that doesn't bother most grownups at all, because it's of no objective consequence.

By making it a matter of consequence (without explaining why) the OP comes across as childishly precious.

So what?
The Op is.

I disagree completely. It is the colleague who comes across as juvenile because she can’t or won’t use the OP’s name.

I can’t imagine working with someone who is either so stupid or so thick-skinned as to not stop when repeatedly asked not to. I guess I must be lucky not to work with such specimens.