Dads partner leaving him homeless after her death.

[Tray80]

Appology in advance for the huge thread but mainly feel like I need to vent so here goes! My dad and his partner have been together for 26+ years, living together in her home for 22 years. Although I was close to my dad as a child, our relationship dwindled as I approached my adult years. I guess he just stopped making an effort once he met my stepmum, as they tended to spend most of their spare time with her kids and grandkids.

Even though they only live 20 mins drive away they never visited including when my babies were born. They put mine and my kids birthday/xmas cards in the post every year. We speak on the phone a couple of times a month( when I make the effort) and I call around to see them half a dozen times a year, always bearing gifts on special occasions for eg birthdays, fathers day, Xmas etc, so basically it's always me making the effort. It used to really hurt my feelings when I'd see how much effort they both made for my stepmums side of the family but after 20 years of seeing it I just learned to live with it.

For the past few years my stepmum has had a terrible run of health. My dad has retired to take care of her as she has been wheelchair bound for quite some time. Unfortunately she's now been diagnosed with cancer and has been told that there's a 50/50 chance that she may not make it through her operation next week. Needless to say the whole family is devastated, including my dad. I called to see them last week and while walking in the garden my dad broke down and told me that he doesn't know how he'll carry on living without his partner. I can tell its taken a huge toll on his health too as he's stopped eating and taking care of himself and even had a nasty fall, which is so unlike him.

Today I received a call from my stepmum. I was really shocked when her number came up on my phone as she's only rang me twice in 23 years. She told me that she wanted to talk to me while my dad was asleep. She said she wanted to lay down the ground rules of how things would play out for my dad if she was to pass away during her surgery next week. It was explained that as the house was legally hers, as it was in her name, she would be leaving it in trust to her 2 children and grandkids, meaning that if she was to pass away, then my dad would be homeless. Apparently she had explained this to my dad a few weeks previous, which timed in with the fall and his sudden run of bad health. I believe this to be due to stress as he'd just been told that in 2 weeks he could possibly be loosing the love of his life, and now also his home. I know that my dad has always been aware that the house was hers and hers only but I don't think he was expecting to be turfed out so fast. I could kind of understand the rush if my stepmums family were struggling financially but they're all very well off. I asked about my dad's financial situation, if he had a bit of a nest egg to get himself on his feet if the worse was to happen and she said that she doesn't know, as they've always kept their finances separate. She mentioned she didn't trust him to take care of the house after his fall. She added that she thinks that once she's gone my dad will probably just give up on life and not be far behind. She also pointed out that hes very lucky that hes been able to live mortgage free for 20 years.

I can't begin understand the stress she's under with the surgery loomimg and the possibility of not making it out. I really don't want to see her in a negative light as I know my dad loves her more than life itself and they both need kindness and support more than anything right now, but the conversation I had with her last night has left me with a bitter feeling. She asked me not to tell my dad that we'd had that conversation, which I will respect. I just don't understand why she'd told me at all, as it clearly wasn't out of concern for my dad but rather a concern that he wouldn't leave the house when shes gone. I feel maybe she was prepping me as she knows he'll be landing on my door step when her kids sell the house, which in turn seems like a smack in the face when neither of them have ever made any effort with me or the kids. I just keep looking at my husband and trying to put myself in her situation. Could I purposely leave my husband financially destitute? I couldn't! The other part that is bugging me is that if all goes well for her then she'll be at home being cared for once more by my dad, the same man she was turfing out on the streets if the worse was to happen. I feel as though hes just being used. I really hate feeling this bitterness about the situation and I know I'm feeling overwhelmed by it all so hoping that someone else's take may help me see it all in a different light. Am I being unreasonable in feeling like this? If you made it to the end then thanks for sticking with me!🤷‍♀️🤯

He is not her responsibility.

You want OP to go and talk to a woman who has put a roof over her dad's head for decades and who is now in a wheelchair and possibly have days to live, that she is lying about her dad not being able to look after the house (he probably can't afford to run it anyway) and that she is making her dad homeless? The dad is neither of the women's problem. He has neglected his relationship with OP for decades and he has stuck his head firmly in the sand when it comes to securing his own future in old age. He has made sure that he will be homeless, his partner has always made sure that he wasn't contributing to housing costs or maintenance.

I wouldnt worry about him - he has always stepped up for himself and landed on his feet. He will be fine.

Apart from the fact that OP states the mans partner has paid work done to the house an that she is concerned he wont stay on top of house maintenance.

The partner clearly doesn't want her children to have to wait 10-20 years to receive the house. Given the renters bill, its unlikely she or the the children will want to become landlords.

But not rent /mortgage which is usually the biggie cost

There will always be a handful of people who game the system but you can’t seriously think there are many claiming carers allowance for no reason. For one thing it’s a benefit that depends on the person being cared for receiving specified disability benefits.

He should have claimed carer’s allowance, he was entitled to!

I think that would depend on what benefits his wife claimed. Possibly she was not eligible for benefits.

That would be homeless by choice.

It is very unlikely that a man who neglected his own daughter for most of her life suddenly became so unselfish as to become a loving carer to his partner. As everyone else on here is conjecturing, my guess is that a man like that does “good deeds” if they think there is something in it for them. Karma is a b*tch.

So what do you think she'll do if the OP is successful and her life expectancy is 20 years? I mean should she not have the op so they can inherit or maybe make herself homeless because it isn't fair if she keeps them waiting is it.

you are being ridiculous. The OPs children are likely to be expecting to receive an inheritance when their mother dies. I suspect that they will gladly take all the time they can with their mother whether it is 2 week or 20 years. It is not the same as waiting for their mother partner to die so they can inherit what they are entitled to.

But they can't be expected to wait, to give the man who has been in their lives for over 20 years who they have been happy to leave him as their mother's carer, a decent amount of time before he's thrown out in the street.

If their mother lives they might wait years for their inheritance so it won't hurt them to wait a while if she dies.

Who said they'd have to wait till he dies? He can be given a specified time to grieve and sort his life out or they can all go the legal route, spend money and he's likely to be there for life. I hope he fights it and they can live with the consequences if they can't be decent about it.

@Barrenfieldoffucks, if this is how you view carers, then you chose your username well.

If by carry on caring you mean you are planning to be a doormat for a deadbeat dad to use you as lodgings - well ok then, you do you, I wouldn't allow him to use me like that, but people show caring in different ways, obviously that's your choice.

But as you say, you do actually care about your dad, and so naturally you would not take the easy way out by allowing his partner to talk about him behind his back. I know that's what she slyly wanted, but of course that is not what's best for him, and she had no right to demand that you keep her secrets.

And you also don't know, unless you tell him her plans, what he knows.

So as you do care what happens to him - what did he say when you told him she called you for the 2nd time in 23 years to make it clear he would be homeless when she dies?

Er no, just homeless.

Anyway, it seems clear that the OP is long gone.

Once again, the girlfriend does not love him and plans to make him homeless. We dont know if he deserves that or if she is sly, selfish and devious. If she survives her illness and allows him to keep caring for her, I guess that will be the answer - but we'll never know.

And if she does die, I think the OP will have her father moved in with her within the week. Shrug. Good luck to her.

If their relationship fizzled out / ended - would you see him as homeless as he needed to move out of the DSM's home? Is this not what most adults do without the drama?

Well no because that would be an entirely different scenario.

In the current scenario, according to the OP, she has been using him as her carer for several years and seems happy to do so, but if she dies he becomes homeless, as he is of no further use to her.

In the one you mentioned, she is not using him but providing him with a home until he finds somewhere new, with no hidden agenda or intention upon the end of his usefulness to her to make him homeless.

"For the past few years my stepmum has had a terrible run of health. My dad has retired to take care of her as she has been wheelchair bound for quite some time."

We can only go by what the OP has said. So no, that's quite a different scenario.

Does the scenario matter though when if they separated (even if she had used him for care or anything else) he would still be responsible for securing his own accomodation - it wouldnt be acceptable to say he could stay for 2, 5, or 20 years would it? So he's not 'homeless' - he has many options and is financially sound if he has a private pension, a state pension, any savings or investments as well as access to over 55 accomodation.

This is probably correct, and regardless not the OPs job to look after her deadbeat dad or agree to keep conversations secret for the woman who is planning to make him homeless if he is of no further use to her.

Yes, of course it does. You tried to compare one scenario to the other, I explained why they were different. Once she has no further use for him, if she dies, she plans to make him homeless, there's no argument available against that.

Not saying she shouldn't, maybe he deserves it, maye he doesn't. But it's still a fact.

And of course OP must not keep her secret conversation a secret, she says she cares about her father and plans to keep caring - that involves telling him about the secret conversation since she actually has no idea at all what the woman he is living with has told him, only what the woman he is living with has told her (the OP).

Perhaps the stepmother who has only phoned her twice in 23 years, the second time to say her father would be homeless after she died, is just a nice person pushed too far, perhaps she's an arsehole. It doesn't really matter to the facts.

It is not a given that her dad will have time to grieve and make arrangements.

If the house is already in a trust, it may not have to go through probate. It would explain why the call was made to the OP now to let her know that things could progress very quickly.

If the house had to go through probate, there would have been plenty of time for the executor to do all this.

Yes this!!! She isn't his mother. She has her own children. I expect grown men to make arrangements for themselves if they aren't married or in the will.
It's absurd that the should have to go out of her way to make plans for him when he hasn't even made plans for himself over the years. Why should women be the ones to sort everyone out?

He isn't her father but it seems she's been happy enough for him to give up work to become her carer. Do you also expect grown women to care for themselves or employ carers to do it?