Dads partner leaving him homeless after her death.

[Tray80]

Appology in advance for the huge thread but mainly feel like I need to vent so here goes! My dad and his partner have been together for 26+ years, living together in her home for 22 years. Although I was close to my dad as a child, our relationship dwindled as I approached my adult years. I guess he just stopped making an effort once he met my stepmum, as they tended to spend most of their spare time with her kids and grandkids.

Even though they only live 20 mins drive away they never visited including when my babies were born. They put mine and my kids birthday/xmas cards in the post every year. We speak on the phone a couple of times a month( when I make the effort) and I call around to see them half a dozen times a year, always bearing gifts on special occasions for eg birthdays, fathers day, Xmas etc, so basically it's always me making the effort. It used to really hurt my feelings when I'd see how much effort they both made for my stepmums side of the family but after 20 years of seeing it I just learned to live with it.

For the past few years my stepmum has had a terrible run of health. My dad has retired to take care of her as she has been wheelchair bound for quite some time. Unfortunately she's now been diagnosed with cancer and has been told that there's a 50/50 chance that she may not make it through her operation next week. Needless to say the whole family is devastated, including my dad. I called to see them last week and while walking in the garden my dad broke down and told me that he doesn't know how he'll carry on living without his partner. I can tell its taken a huge toll on his health too as he's stopped eating and taking care of himself and even had a nasty fall, which is so unlike him.

Today I received a call from my stepmum. I was really shocked when her number came up on my phone as she's only rang me twice in 23 years. She told me that she wanted to talk to me while my dad was asleep. She said she wanted to lay down the ground rules of how things would play out for my dad if she was to pass away during her surgery next week. It was explained that as the house was legally hers, as it was in her name, she would be leaving it in trust to her 2 children and grandkids, meaning that if she was to pass away, then my dad would be homeless. Apparently she had explained this to my dad a few weeks previous, which timed in with the fall and his sudden run of bad health. I believe this to be due to stress as he'd just been told that in 2 weeks he could possibly be loosing the love of his life, and now also his home. I know that my dad has always been aware that the house was hers and hers only but I don't think he was expecting to be turfed out so fast. I could kind of understand the rush if my stepmums family were struggling financially but they're all very well off. I asked about my dad's financial situation, if he had a bit of a nest egg to get himself on his feet if the worse was to happen and she said that she doesn't know, as they've always kept their finances separate. She mentioned she didn't trust him to take care of the house after his fall. She added that she thinks that once she's gone my dad will probably just give up on life and not be far behind. She also pointed out that hes very lucky that hes been able to live mortgage free for 20 years.

I can't begin understand the stress she's under with the surgery loomimg and the possibility of not making it out. I really don't want to see her in a negative light as I know my dad loves her more than life itself and they both need kindness and support more than anything right now, but the conversation I had with her last night has left me with a bitter feeling. She asked me not to tell my dad that we'd had that conversation, which I will respect. I just don't understand why she'd told me at all, as it clearly wasn't out of concern for my dad but rather a concern that he wouldn't leave the house when shes gone. I feel maybe she was prepping me as she knows he'll be landing on my door step when her kids sell the house, which in turn seems like a smack in the face when neither of them have ever made any effort with me or the kids. I just keep looking at my husband and trying to put myself in her situation. Could I purposely leave my husband financially destitute? I couldn't! The other part that is bugging me is that if all goes well for her then she'll be at home being cared for once more by my dad, the same man she was turfing out on the streets if the worse was to happen. I feel as though hes just being used. I really hate feeling this bitterness about the situation and I know I'm feeling overwhelmed by it all so hoping that someone else's take may help me see it all in a different light. Am I being unreasonable in feeling like this? If you made it to the end then thanks for sticking with me!🤷‍♀️🤯

If he has paid anything towards the upkeep or house improvements then he can put a claim on the house to be reimbursed before they can sell it.

If your dad paid for new windows or anything like that then he should ask for the money back especially as her children will benefit from his investment. Go & see a solicitor, I wouldn't let this one lie quietly like they want it to.

https://england.shelter.org.uk/professional_resources/legal/relationship_breakdown/housing_rights_of_cohabiting_sole_homeowners/preventing_sale_or_disposal_if_one_partner_is_the_sole_owner

Or under the heading of reaping what you sow, OP could just leave it.

I highly doubt if the situations were reversed that her F would be spending much time concerning himself with OPs housing arrangements.

Her F can just adult up when he has to, no need for OP to get involved.

Exactly! When women post here wondering if they should leave a lifelong interest in their house to their partner they are warned against it: it means your children will be liable for maintenance of a property that they can’t use / the partner might trash it / etc
And even when women talk about moving in with a partner: ringfence the property for your children, don’t ask the partner to contribute or he could have a claim, etc.

Here we have a woman who did everything MN-style: she payed the mortgage and house maintenance, only asking for a bills contribution. She didn’t re-marry. She is not giving a lifelong interest. But of course, now she is the villain!

Q: where is all OP’s dad money? Surly only having to contribute to bills and holidays should have left him loaded. Where is the money from his house sale?
Q: why is he painted as a poor victim when he is the type of man who can’t even be bothered to maintain a relationship with his own daughter and grandchildren?
Q: since when did he care for her and is he a sole carer or does she also have professionals coming in? Who knows, maybe all he does is cook her meals and a bit of gardening. Or maybe he does everything. We don’t know, but for some reason most posters have decided he is a poor overworked (abused even!) man, who is being used by his evil partner.

"A woman's place is in the wrong".

She got waaaaayyyyyy more than a contribution to bills. She got a live in carer. Thats not a cocklodger.

And this is where he should walk out on her and leave her to stew.

Honestly, she's been his carer. That has spared her children the effort and saved her money.

Had he not been there the inheritance wouldn't be there.

If she thinks that little of him and is only concerned about money for her kids right now, she doesn't love him at all.

It'd be easy enough to write a clause giving him rights to the property but in the kids ownership.

She's greedy and selfish. And I'd be telling her that. You don't want the money. You want your dad to be respected. She doesn't respect him.

And go where? Where would he go because he has no money etc

He is a man in his 60s who had options this is entirely of his own making. I assume he thought his free ride would last but it hasnt

they both got something out of the transaction but it probably does end with her death

Maybe he is a good live-in carer or maybe he isn't.
Maybe she has been vulnerable and not in a position to tell him not to give up work on her account, but he went ahead and did it anyway.
Maybe nobody has looked into what a carer costs because he got in there first.
Maybe he did work around the house or maybe that's him talking.
Maybe she's exploited him. Maybe he's exploited her.

One thing's for sure, there is not enough to go on on this thread, so anyone asserting anything is just waffling, really.

A second thing: she has protected her assets, good for her. If the question is how does the OP deal with it, and as pp have said, it's not really for her to do anything!

If the question is: my largely neglectful father has somehow - inadvertently? - got me involved in a situation that's nothing to do with me, how do I handle the aftermath of something I cannot control? Then I would suggest talking to him and making it plain that he is an adult with options and you will not be housing him.

Had he not been there the inheritance wouldn't be there. @RedToothBrush where are you getting that from? It doesn't seem to be the case at all.

He's been her carer.

If he'd not been available then she would have needed to spend a lot more on a lot of other things, which would burn down her assets and equity.

I'd ring her back and ask her straight up if your Dad will be given a year to grieve and find somewhere else to live or must he move out immediately. Then I'd tell him what she says.

And had she not been there he would have had to pay money on rent!

this is a man who seems to have no assets either none from the 40 years or so before he met her and he got together with a woman who was asset rich

We have no idea the level of care he has provider or for how long. "Step mum" has been unwell for a few years, and he retired at some point in that time to provide some sort of care. People are assuming years of full time intimate care for some reason, but we don't actually know.

I've met several older people who have been in this situation and made incorrect assumptions about their partner taking care of them. It's generally women that end up in this situation for various reasons. There are also masses of threads on MS about similar situations, where female partners had made naive assumptions that their partner would take care of them. It's not just believable but factual.
Your take, on the other hand, is the product of a strangely suspicious mind, probably motivated far more by just £££ than most others.

OK - I understand that - but do we know how much care she's needed? And for how long? And what sort of assets she has beyond the house? OP said she's in a wheelchair but that can mean a spectrum of care needs, not necessarily needing full-time care. And she has children. They may have stepped in if the dad wasn't around. Was he making sure he was around by retiring, or did he do this out of love and commitment?

I just think there are way too many unknowns to say pretty much anything as certainly as that.

The whole thread is about people expecting money (or houses)! Why is it only my take that is "suspicious"? Good grief.

It's very uncomfortable reading people calling a woman who has a 50/50 chance of dying in the next few days a cow, bitch or worse.
Good for her for protecting her children from the wants of a feckless man who didn't give a shit about his own family. Maybe facing the probability of her death she has had time to reflect.

He didn’t get a free ride. Have you read all the posts by OP?

Yes, wonder if she was a widow and the considers the house her children's inheritance from him as well. Especially if it was paid for with insurance.

She probably has it in a family trust. The trust will be dissolved on her death, house sold, and money given to beneficiaries (her children). This is quite common in second marriages as it protects from subsequent partners. She doesn't legally own the house, the trust does.

You can still leave it to the kids with a provision that he can stay for a set period or for life. I don't think it's unusual, I've known a couple of families where that's how they've done it. Other way round with sexes, maybe men feel more responsible to protect their partner.

Your dad is on a hiding to nothing. He could - eventually - claim against the estate but he may not be able to afford the legal fees and there probably won’t be much money left after fees have been paid, if anything. If it was me I would be telling her to do one and let her precious kids to look after her instead, but he’s got nowhere to go, which of course she’s aware of. I would support him by researching over 55’s housing and what he’ll be entitled to should he outlive her. Nothing much else you can do.

True.

This can work, but everyone needs to know what they are in for. If dad lives for 20 years or more, who pays for maintenance? That could be 2 renovation cycles. I think that is what the wife meant by letting the house fall to bits. He won't want to spend money on it and why would the children? This arrangement tends to be for couples who are really at end of life. What if he meets someone else? Can they put a caveat on it to say he must live by himself? If so, how do they enforce that without using court and expensive lawyers?

Best thing to do would put it in a family trust. Then you don't own it, the trust does, and make your child the sole beneficiary.