Dads partner leaving him homeless after her death.

[Tray80]

Appology in advance for the huge thread but mainly feel like I need to vent so here goes! My dad and his partner have been together for 26+ years, living together in her home for 22 years. Although I was close to my dad as a child, our relationship dwindled as I approached my adult years. I guess he just stopped making an effort once he met my stepmum, as they tended to spend most of their spare time with her kids and grandkids.

Even though they only live 20 mins drive away they never visited including when my babies were born. They put mine and my kids birthday/xmas cards in the post every year. We speak on the phone a couple of times a month( when I make the effort) and I call around to see them half a dozen times a year, always bearing gifts on special occasions for eg birthdays, fathers day, Xmas etc, so basically it's always me making the effort. It used to really hurt my feelings when I'd see how much effort they both made for my stepmums side of the family but after 20 years of seeing it I just learned to live with it.

For the past few years my stepmum has had a terrible run of health. My dad has retired to take care of her as she has been wheelchair bound for quite some time. Unfortunately she's now been diagnosed with cancer and has been told that there's a 50/50 chance that she may not make it through her operation next week. Needless to say the whole family is devastated, including my dad. I called to see them last week and while walking in the garden my dad broke down and told me that he doesn't know how he'll carry on living without his partner. I can tell its taken a huge toll on his health too as he's stopped eating and taking care of himself and even had a nasty fall, which is so unlike him.

Today I received a call from my stepmum. I was really shocked when her number came up on my phone as she's only rang me twice in 23 years. She told me that she wanted to talk to me while my dad was asleep. She said she wanted to lay down the ground rules of how things would play out for my dad if she was to pass away during her surgery next week. It was explained that as the house was legally hers, as it was in her name, she would be leaving it in trust to her 2 children and grandkids, meaning that if she was to pass away, then my dad would be homeless. Apparently she had explained this to my dad a few weeks previous, which timed in with the fall and his sudden run of bad health. I believe this to be due to stress as he'd just been told that in 2 weeks he could possibly be loosing the love of his life, and now also his home. I know that my dad has always been aware that the house was hers and hers only but I don't think he was expecting to be turfed out so fast. I could kind of understand the rush if my stepmums family were struggling financially but they're all very well off. I asked about my dad's financial situation, if he had a bit of a nest egg to get himself on his feet if the worse was to happen and she said that she doesn't know, as they've always kept their finances separate. She mentioned she didn't trust him to take care of the house after his fall. She added that she thinks that once she's gone my dad will probably just give up on life and not be far behind. She also pointed out that hes very lucky that hes been able to live mortgage free for 20 years.

I can't begin understand the stress she's under with the surgery loomimg and the possibility of not making it out. I really don't want to see her in a negative light as I know my dad loves her more than life itself and they both need kindness and support more than anything right now, but the conversation I had with her last night has left me with a bitter feeling. She asked me not to tell my dad that we'd had that conversation, which I will respect. I just don't understand why she'd told me at all, as it clearly wasn't out of concern for my dad but rather a concern that he wouldn't leave the house when shes gone. I feel maybe she was prepping me as she knows he'll be landing on my door step when her kids sell the house, which in turn seems like a smack in the face when neither of them have ever made any effort with me or the kids. I just keep looking at my husband and trying to put myself in her situation. Could I purposely leave my husband financially destitute? I couldn't! The other part that is bugging me is that if all goes well for her then she'll be at home being cared for once more by my dad, the same man she was turfing out on the streets if the worse was to happen. I feel as though hes just being used. I really hate feeling this bitterness about the situation and I know I'm feeling overwhelmed by it all so hoping that someone else's take may help me see it all in a different light. Am I being unreasonable in feeling like this? If you made it to the end then thanks for sticking with me!🤷‍♀️🤯

True this. And once he's sorted (maybe with a widow with a house) OP will be dumped again.

I thought this too. The OP's dad has made basically naff-all effort over the past 25 years seemingly, and so she doesn't need to do anything. Not her circus.

I certainly wouldn't be bothering with my dad if he and my mum had split up, and he went off with another woman and made virtually zero effort with me for the best part of a quarter century. Even if he was old and vulnerable now. He can sort his own issues out.

Good example of how it's very important to get married though, and that a common-law spouse does not exist. Her house, no marriage certificate, he's entitled to nothing. I don't know why people put themselves in this precarious position.

Yes he paid money towards bills and holidays. We don’t know how much that was

he paid nothing towards home improvements but did DIY

he was in effect a lodger in the house with patchy financial record

He was her carer as well. Lodgers don’t do this. I take it you don’t know how much they cost?

Having just paid a bill for DH deceased dads care from February 2024 yes I do but the level of care here isn’t specified and can vary a lot!

but all of that is reciprocated in free boarding nothing that would give him the right to a house

the other thing is is the house worth more than inheritance tax as well as that would mean it would need to be sold quickly - depending on the house price that could be a fair whack and needs to be paid fairly quickly!

there is nothing here for me to say he didn’t know exactly what the score was and benefited over the years

plus he is likely to be just fine I suspect given he always has been

We don't know how long for nor the level of care!

@Lifestooshort71 The OP says that she’s been wheelchair bound for quite some time. I’m guessing over a year, probably more.

Caring some someone with such limited mobility is pretty intense and expensive if you have to pay for carers. Thousands a year, plus the stress on the family organizing the care (see my earlier post about my friend). So he’s def. saved her family money and stress, even if he was a cocklodger for many years.

Agreed. He took the lazy, cocklodger route and its come to bite him on his arse.

He abandoned his biological family so hasn't financially supported them. He then (funnily enough) land up (targets) a woman with a house and enough money to raise her own DCs alone and pay her own mortgage bills. He schelps along in minimum wage jobs for 40 years with minimal outgoings - my young adults living at home make more 'contributions' than he does. Then he retires work to 'care' - maybe this suited him?

He could have got a better job, he could have invested his significant residual disposable income over the quarter century (maybe he has) - he has not financially supported anyone his whole life - just abandoned the responsibilities he had and ponced off a woman who had assets. I think its telling that the 'excuse' is the family are concerned that he wont maintain the property - maybe has form?

Step mum has done OK with this arrangement fir a long time. He contributed to bills, holidays “etc” (whatever etc means), and she got regular sex, presumably. Also companionship. She could have binned him off whenever she wanted. He’s now maintaining the house and he’s her carer. Nobody is poncing here.

Do we actually know this man can’t just go rent a flat? Being completely shut out of the rental market happens, but what percentage of people can’t rent anywhere?

Well then……

I feel really sorry for your Dad - mine is in the same situation! She wont marry my dad - she’s rich - he is poor - been together 40 odd years - she will leave it all to her children if she goes first - sadly we can’t take him in as no spare room - if this happens I only hope the council will help him as he is 90!

They could do it for a set period. If he's been her partner for over 20 years has looked after her when she became disabled they could surely say you have 2 years, five years or whatever to get over the loss, think about what comes next and move on.

Just what you need when the love of your life dies, pack your bags and get out. Are people all really that heartless?

From family experience if he's lived there for a long time, maintained and done improvements to the house he needs to see a barrister and they won't be able to get him out. More sensible to let him remain for a reasonable time.

Sounds like step mum has basically done what a lot of mums on here advise women to do when starting new relationships after having children.

She's made sure she has her own independent income, hasn't been dependent financially on a man and has her own assets now in the event of her death which can help to support her children.

There has to be some accountability on the DF who had ample time to put some money away, or even buy another house and rent it out as a landlord so he had a stream of income, which means they'd be another house to fall back on if shit hits the fan.

Its even more crucial to do this if you are with someone who does not want to get married or co-own a house with you.

The only thing that DF can really do if his partner doesnt make it through (and even if she does, it sounds like death may not be so far away anyhow), is to ask her DC if he can have a set time in the house before its sold so he can sort out other arrangements?

If his partner does make it through the op, he should still get his name down on a housing waiting list or look for someone alternative to rent/live and keep that house on stand by for when that time inevitably comes.

You are splitting hairs (heirs!). Yes you are correct that cohabiting partners do not have the same rights as blood line relatives and feature no where in the line of succession but they do have the ability to make a claim on the estate of a deceased partner and that right is based in statute. Whether it will be a successful claim depends on a number of factors not least, the need to engage a lawyer toute suite after the death to assess likelihood of claim due to timescales which was the whole point of the post in the first place! This scenario right here is the reason why (a) people should get married and (b) if they are hell bent on not marrying, understand the consequences of their actions, including the fact they could be homeless, penniless and lose all security if their partner dies. There is a lot to be said for remaining single!

But what about inheritance tax? If it above the threshold it would need to be paid fairly promptly after probate!

Of course it would, he needs to know she is going around behind his back telling people she plans to make him homeless. And he needs to know he won't be staying with you. Under no circumtances should you entertain her wish to keep this from him, if she feels it was wrong to have this discussion with you, she should not have phoned you, if she doesn't, then she will be fine with you telling him.

And you do not know actually what she has told him, only what she says she has told him.

Right. She does not love him, and plans to make him homeless but is fine with him staying to look after her just now and if she lives. It's pretty grim, whatever way you look at it.

That would be better.

As this thread has now turned repetitive and into massive speculation. Maybe him being a carer was a strategic move because he knew had no claim to the house? We need OP to come back with an update now.

Carer covers so much. It often covers people who don't want to work, but want to kick around at home claiming the benefits they're allowed at that point to make life easier for them.

We don't know which type he is...I suspect the latter given his general propensity for irresponsibility and low work ethic.

No, he won’t be. Did you read that the step mum is in a wheelchair and he maintains the house?

What irresponsibility and low work ethic?

What the OP actually wrote is that he has worked but in low paid jobs (like many people in the UK, are we judging all of them too?) and now cares for his wheelchair bound partner for the last few years and maintains the house for her.