Dads partner leaving him homeless after her death.

[Tray80]

Appology in advance for the huge thread but mainly feel like I need to vent so here goes! My dad and his partner have been together for 26+ years, living together in her home for 22 years. Although I was close to my dad as a child, our relationship dwindled as I approached my adult years. I guess he just stopped making an effort once he met my stepmum, as they tended to spend most of their spare time with her kids and grandkids.

Even though they only live 20 mins drive away they never visited including when my babies were born. They put mine and my kids birthday/xmas cards in the post every year. We speak on the phone a couple of times a month( when I make the effort) and I call around to see them half a dozen times a year, always bearing gifts on special occasions for eg birthdays, fathers day, Xmas etc, so basically it's always me making the effort. It used to really hurt my feelings when I'd see how much effort they both made for my stepmums side of the family but after 20 years of seeing it I just learned to live with it.

For the past few years my stepmum has had a terrible run of health. My dad has retired to take care of her as she has been wheelchair bound for quite some time. Unfortunately she's now been diagnosed with cancer and has been told that there's a 50/50 chance that she may not make it through her operation next week. Needless to say the whole family is devastated, including my dad. I called to see them last week and while walking in the garden my dad broke down and told me that he doesn't know how he'll carry on living without his partner. I can tell its taken a huge toll on his health too as he's stopped eating and taking care of himself and even had a nasty fall, which is so unlike him.

Today I received a call from my stepmum. I was really shocked when her number came up on my phone as she's only rang me twice in 23 years. She told me that she wanted to talk to me while my dad was asleep. She said she wanted to lay down the ground rules of how things would play out for my dad if she was to pass away during her surgery next week. It was explained that as the house was legally hers, as it was in her name, she would be leaving it in trust to her 2 children and grandkids, meaning that if she was to pass away, then my dad would be homeless. Apparently she had explained this to my dad a few weeks previous, which timed in with the fall and his sudden run of bad health. I believe this to be due to stress as he'd just been told that in 2 weeks he could possibly be loosing the love of his life, and now also his home. I know that my dad has always been aware that the house was hers and hers only but I don't think he was expecting to be turfed out so fast. I could kind of understand the rush if my stepmums family were struggling financially but they're all very well off. I asked about my dad's financial situation, if he had a bit of a nest egg to get himself on his feet if the worse was to happen and she said that she doesn't know, as they've always kept their finances separate. She mentioned she didn't trust him to take care of the house after his fall. She added that she thinks that once she's gone my dad will probably just give up on life and not be far behind. She also pointed out that hes very lucky that hes been able to live mortgage free for 20 years.

I can't begin understand the stress she's under with the surgery loomimg and the possibility of not making it out. I really don't want to see her in a negative light as I know my dad loves her more than life itself and they both need kindness and support more than anything right now, but the conversation I had with her last night has left me with a bitter feeling. She asked me not to tell my dad that we'd had that conversation, which I will respect. I just don't understand why she'd told me at all, as it clearly wasn't out of concern for my dad but rather a concern that he wouldn't leave the house when shes gone. I feel maybe she was prepping me as she knows he'll be landing on my door step when her kids sell the house, which in turn seems like a smack in the face when neither of them have ever made any effort with me or the kids. I just keep looking at my husband and trying to put myself in her situation. Could I purposely leave my husband financially destitute? I couldn't! The other part that is bugging me is that if all goes well for her then she'll be at home being cared for once more by my dad, the same man she was turfing out on the streets if the worse was to happen. I feel as though hes just being used. I really hate feeling this bitterness about the situation and I know I'm feeling overwhelmed by it all so hoping that someone else's take may help me see it all in a different light. Am I being unreasonable in feeling like this? If you made it to the end then thanks for sticking with me!🤷‍♀️🤯

I'd be very interested to see if he has any money and if he's made provisions for his children like the stepmother has made for hers. I suspect not. Certainly would be interesting to see his will. Sorry OP, but I'm angry on your behalf, clearly you're a nice person and worried about your Dad but it's not your responsibility

It's awful isn't it! I hate it when families fall out about money, but it always seems to boil down to it doesn't it! I hope your dad too finds a solution!

She added that she thinks that once she's gone my dad will probably just give up on life and not be far behind. She also pointed out that hes very lucky that hes been able to live mortgage free for 20 years.

ouch

to be honest I think it’s a bunch of drama
you don’t need to get involved with

your dad was happy with the arrangement and not working in high paid jobs or getting his own assets. it’s a situation of his own design.

if you can’t/won’t house him then don’t, it’s not your responsibility and he sounds like a shit father to you

This is incorrect advice.

'The Act specifies categories of individuals who can make a claim, including spouses, civil partners, former spouses/civil partners (who haven't remarried), children, and those treated as children of the family.'

He doesn't qualify under any of these categories so, unless he was financially dependent on her (in which case he may be awarded a small lump sum) he'll get bugger all. The OP would be better off getting proper legal advice rather than this type of misinformation.

Tbf your father has had 25 years to make provisions for himself, like many people out of sight = out of mind.
No forward thinking.
He had the same attitude in his relationship with you, now another woman expected to fix it.
I highly doubt that the house being left for the DGC was a secret all these years, if his partner is a straight talker.

This isn't your mess to clean up, your Dad falling apart and starving himself in a pity party. This is the consequences of him not growing up.

Tell your dad. I think what she is doing is underhanded and spiteful.

Your dad needs to know. I doubt she has told him at all that he will be turfed out. She wants him to care for her and doesn’t want to risk him leaving her. If this were me I wouldn’t stay and nurse her back to health.

You will find the Act is a law provision to prevent situations like this from happening.

It's up to the OP if she wants to mention it to her father or not, as he's been out of her life for so many years. But there is no doubt her father has a claim on the estate if his partner is leaving him homeless after living together 22 years and being her carer.

@Tray80 i know nothing about any of this so can’t add anything of value, but I just wanted to say how heartening it was to read your post - balanced, clear, empathetic. Despite your difficult history with your dad.

To me it just really shows the human you are, which you should be very proud of.

Hope things work out for you all X

That's very kind of you to say! Thank you so much. Despite most of the negative replies I will carry on caring and hope for the best🙏

She doesn’t care to know.

He devoted over 20 years of his life to her and she doesn’t care about him. He put her first, to the detriment of his relationship with you.

You need to tell your dad about your conversation because if she does you’ll be the one picking up the pieces.

My granddad died before his wife and she gave everything to her own children, my mum from his first marriage got nothing. It's complicated but she should arrange it so he can stay there or be looked after

I'm sorry for the situation that you have been placed in but she hasn't been sneaky at all.

Both she and you dad have known the situation for 20+ years. Your df has benefitted by not paying rent or mortgage and she has benefitted from his help and DIY skills. It has been a mutually beneficial relationship.

Hopefully your dad has saved all the money he would have spent on rent and is sitting on a nest egg of £200k which will allow him to buy himself a retirement home.

I am a single woman in my 60s with my own home. My estate will go to my ds. I would not change my will if I met someone new now.

Hopefully, if the worst happens, your dad will be allowed to stay while the family gains probate, and to help market the house. That would give him a few months to sort himself out. And you could contact the council now, flag up the situation to their housing dept, and ask what provision is available for the over 55s.

Ultimately, she has done right by her own children, which your father hasn't done for you.
Whatever provision your father has or has not set aside for himself is on him, not her, or you.
She's facing an operation, with 50/50 chance of her pulling through. Rightly or wrongly, she's made you aware of how things stand for your father in the event of her death.
She's protecting her children's inheritance and good on her for doing that.
You may not think very highly of her, but maybe your father will just have to pay the price of not looking to the future and for having made little to no effort with his biological family. His 'step' family owe him nothing.

I agree with @Proudestmumofone1 keep caring, even help him naviagate lawyers etc, but dont let him move in with you or spend any of your money on him. This is entirely on him, and not your responsibility.

He’s aware though. He’s sticking with her.

Reading between the lines it sounds like she has generational wealth that she doesn’t want to share with him plus that he doesn’t come from an affluent background.

I think it’s quite clear that the step mother has a hierarchy in her life and categories of where people sit in things. It’s not the conventional male/female marriage set up, she went into this relationship with the view he must never have claim to her assets. She saw him as good company but not her actual family.

It follows that her kids and grandchildren were the preferred side of the family as they likely more similar background to step mother, whereas OP of similar background to her dad therefore no effort made with OP. Guessing different social class involved. Might explain why he’s sticking with her so vehemently.

We are in a similar situation to the OP's father and his partner and have both taken legal advice. My partner of 25 years plus will have no claim on my estate if I predecease him. I have left him a small sum to tide him over in finding somewhere else to live but that was voluntary and not legally necessary. He has known this set up for years and thinks it's fair.

Make sure the funeral is paid for from the estate and he's not railroaded into a horse-drawn hearse etc.

I think because they have been living together for 2 or more years, he is able to make a claim through court. It might not be much though. Did he ever explicitly make rent payments to her? That might make him a tenant and they'd have to serve notice.

Fingers crossed they'll be reasonable and maybe ask for peppercorn rent + bills until he's found somewhere else. And maybe they're so well off that they're not fussed about the house!

Tell him, of course you MUST tell him. She could absolutely give him a right of residence and is choosing not to. What a selfish, miserable cow.

Good enough to live with for now, but not good enough to give a shit about if she dies. Righto.

Oh and then step back, ignore any calls or messages from either of them. Telling him is all you need ethically to do. Don't let him use you to lodge with, obviously. That's what she's trying to gear you up for.

He’s had no housing costs for decades and had to cash a private pension for bills? Even with very low paid jobs that sounds like he’s been very short-sighted. I don’t think all the blame she’s getting on this thread is fair. She’s leaving her asset to her children (right). And yes, he’s now her carer. But he wasn’t before. Frankly, before he would have been what MN refers to as a cocklodger.

Even if she comes through this, he needs to look at housing. Seriously. And tell him you don’t have space. He didn’t bother with you, and although I would advise and assist, I would not house him.

Any decent spouse would have it in the will that he may live in the house, unless he remarries, they cannot not sell it, and it passes to the children after his death! I know several people set up this way including my mother.

It is fair to all.

I think if your dad’s partner survives, and hopefully she will, they need to have a big discussion about the future. If your dad is not being given any financial security and is very much seen as living in someone else’s house, then he can’t afford to offer his full time caring duties without attaching any conditions. It sounds harsh but he could be working as a carer for an actual salary. It’s natural he wants to care for his partner but surely it has to go both ways a bit?

Here in Australia - I think after that many years in a defacto relationship he would be entitled to half the house?

Your dad needs to stop caring for her; her kids can take over that or she can get paid carers in.
Then he can start looking after his own interests like housing & job hunting.
Why should he stay caring for someone who doesn’t give a fuck about him the cheeky bitch!

Same in NZ, but not in UK. That's why people have to get married

She can put a clause in her will that he has the right to stay in the house until his death but he maintains it and pays all the bills in it