Dr called me rude then got offended when I called him rude back

[amilea]

I had a telephone call with a consultant today and he said i interrupted and Overspoke him and he called me rude this is something I struggle with especially with phone conversations as how do you know when the person has finished talking but i accept this is rude so didnt argue it or say anything back. When he had definitely finished talking I said can I speak now please and then within my first sentence he interrupted me so I said you're being rude im talking and my god he went off like a bottle of pop and how insulting it is that I called him rude and how he cant continue being my dr if I think he's rude. At this point im crying and he said I dont want you to get upset but im not going to help you if you insult me. It ended with him referring me to someone else. But why does he think its ok to call me rude but its not ok for me to call him rude, I said the exact thing to him as what he said to me. But just because he's a dr its ok for him to say whatever he wants and not for me.
Aibu to think that where all human and just because he's a dr it doesnt make what I said worse.

😂 spat out my tea laughing at this

@amilea I so empathise! I’ve always found the majority of consultants arrogant and a little odd. I’m am absolute introvert but I do come prepared knowing that the appointment is critical and usually had a year wait and I can’t quite remember the exact words used but it was implied, I’m interrupting/challenging/think I know better - just because I question and not in a horrible way but more so to understand my condition, how best to manage it etc.

I also find it’s better to take someone as one particular consultant was so much nicer to me just because I had a male friend sat there with me!

I think most just want you to shut up, do as is asked and ask zero Qs 😑

You were very rude & passive aggressive, “can I speak now”?? You presumably need his help, yes?

It's impossible to say whether you were rude or he was.
It does sound, though, as though there were heightened emotions, especially if you were crying.
It's normally quite easy to tell when another person has finished speaking, even on a telephone call.
As an Autistic person, I can struggle with conversations, but I try to listen/look out for cues/breaks in speaking.
I've had a lot of physical health problems in the past couple of decades and never once had a problematic conversation with a GP or Consultant, NHS or private, so sorry to hear you have had a difficult experience.
Perhaps it's best, in this instance, that you've been referred on.

Maybe you're the problem. Ive never had such an experience with any doctor like that.

You could always ask at the start of the appointment if it's ok to ask questions while they are telling you about something in case you forget to ask it at the end of their little speech or if you should just make notes and ask at the end.

I think with some doctors, as with solicitors, they have a lot of important information to impart and they need to make sure they remember to tell you it all in case there is comeback later and you accuse them of not having informed you of something. If they are constantly interrupted and the conversation takes a bit of a diversion it might be difficult for some doctors to get back to where they were especially if they only have a short time to talk to you.

That's interesting you say that iv found it the other way round i always think junior drs still care and want to help and have more time for you. As consultants iv found hate being questioned, are always in a rush and dont really listen not all of course iv had some amazing consultants.

That is actually a really good point I hadn't thought about it from their pov that their also trying to remember what they need to say as like I said previously I do think that is why I interrupt sometimes as I think im going to lose my train of thought and not remember to say something.

I think the doctor is a highly trained professional who deals with all strata of the public on a daily basis. It is part of their role to put people at ease, to listen as well as speak and to help them to communicate easily and to make adjustments for diversity.

I think the Dr shoukd be intelligent and well educated enough to have simply said "please will you let me tell you my thoughts, and I'll give yiu the opportunity to tell me more and ask questions when I've finished.

The Dr was the professional and shoukd have handled it better from the get go.

I hope you get a kinder Dr next time @amilea.

At least I won’t make a post “can MN users say anything just because they’re MN users?”

Come on, it was a silly question. Of course doctors can’t say whatever they want just because they’re doctors.

I'm not a Doctor, but am paid out of taxes, and do have a caseload.
When I started the job 17 years ago, I would ALWAYS read the notes, catch myself up on the background, etc before going in to a meeting / making a phone call.
Then austerity happened. Caseload numbers spiralled. We ended up going from meeting direct to meeting without preparation time. It isn't that nobody "could be bothered", myself and all the Team hate it, but it reflects the time we live in.

OP are you on the spectrum do you think?

I've noticed family members with ASD interrupt conversations continually or otherwise stay completely silent through long conversations and they say they don't know when someone has finished or when is the right time to say what they've got to say.

If they don't interrupt, they end up saying nothing. either way is frustrating.

It's a hard thing to judge, there are just a few milliseconds, when the pause is occurring for you to jump in at that point, but not everyone can do this.

I'm really sorry it ended like this. I would have hoped there'd be more understanding of ND communication styles but not, but clearly not.

As someone who has to field two interrupters out of a family of four who don't interrupt it can feel like I'm a peace-keeper and turn-taker manager all the time. It's exhausting keeping everyone's egos happy and to ensure family members all feel equally valued in their communication styles.

Or maybe you dont see a lot of drs. I do so its not unusual to not get on with every single one of them and I think sometimes I have to many drs as they contradict each other a lot which makes appointments 10xs harder as its difficult to get to the bottom of who's right and who's wrong. You have 1 dr tell you something you listen. If you have 3 drs tell you all different things it becomes a problem

Or maybe some hcps are the problem too.

Just because you’ve been lucky, doesn’t mean that there aren’t medical professionals that are and can be rude.

You can be ridiculously polite and some will be dismissive and rude to you, even more so if you dare ask questions and want further clarity or explanation so you can understand what they’re doing to you.

Im not diagnosed but I wouldn't be surprised in the slightest if I was

I suspect I've been around quite a lot longer than you, and, as well as all my own appts over the years, have attended appts with both parents and my dc.

I have NEVER had a Dr be rude.
The odd one who lacked a bit of bedside manner, and I just thought they could have been having a bad day themself, and never felt I needed to be rude to anyone.
The fact you seem to have had so many issues with so many Drs, does seem to suggest you might be the common denominator here.

Do you seriously think you are going to get better care, advice, or 'service' from anyone you are being combative, passive aggressive, and rude to ? ? ?

“two ‘rudes’ don’t make a polite.” - I will remember this! Great comeback!

The consultant did not handle it well, sounds like his ego got the better of him. Or maybe he was having a bad day. 🤷‍♀️ Try not to stress about it. You are being referred to someone else and maybe that’s not a bad thing.

I suspect I've been around quite a lot longer than you, and, as well as all my own appts over the years, have attended appts with both parents and my dc.

It happens. I was with a GP practice for a bit that I suspect was a toxic working environment and I had arguments with three of the doctors in a short space of time.
Never happened before or since.

I met a lot of consultants with DS, the majority are amazing, some have poor social skills.

I also have multiple drs i have a great relationship with.

I completely disagree with you. If they’re not listening, they will likely not to be able to diagnose effectively. It’s very hard to get an appointment with a consultant, and the appointments are nearly always rushed, so it’s natural that the patient is anxious that they won’t be able to say what they need to say. It’s even harder on a phone call. The patient also knows that they can’t just ring back if they think of a question afterwards. The doctor is well aware that they are in the position of power and that the patient is likely unwell and concerned about that along with treatment options.

I've had some arrogant consultants one decided he was going to "refer me to someone else" as I didn't "seem" to value his opinion turns out the someone else agreed with me

I didn't actually object to what he was saying about treatment i just said that sounds like a huge operation for a two year old I was literally processing the information he threw out there vocally because it was a shock my dd wasn't showing symptoms and he said I think we should operate then described how he was going to have to make a big incision correct the defect it would take around 12 weeks to recover etc etc it was a lot to throw out there the other consultant disagreed with his treatment plan

We found say that for every thread on MN. We only have the OP’s view on posts.

Good on you!! Well done 👏 he is not superior to you just because he's a doctor. I would have complained about the doctor in your shoes. Why is it acceptable for him to call you rude and for him to interrupt you but not vice versa? You should be proud of yourself for being assertive!!!!

He sounds very unprofessional and petty. I’ve got a copy shit of a consultant. But can you afford the wait for another consultant? 😬