Saying no to my children having experiences without us?

[MancLass76]

I have 2 children aged 11 and 7 and my sister in law keeps asking if they can do things with them. On one hand it’s great she wants to spend time with them (my brother will be involved as well, she’s just the organiser), they have a great relationship and I really want to encourage that but on the other hand, she puts me in a difficult position of sometimes wanting/deciding to say no and then getting grief if I do and being made to feel really selfish (which I get I am being to some degree).

They are childless through choice but also have higher incomes so often their suggestions are out of reach for us (or something we need to plan for) and they are suggesting experiences for my kids that I don’t want to not be there for. Top end think safari lodges in the UK at £1000 for one night, first trip to London and a show in the West End kind of things but then smaller trips such as first visit to a particular zoo (which has been a family fave through 2 generations of our family).

Am I being unreasonable though to deny my kids these experiences if it means it won’t ever happen.

I also get grief if I ask to be included/tag along on the cheaper things so I can see my kids enjoying the experience they have planned. They bought a virgin experience involving cars for my daughter at Christmas and I asked to go watch and they are now being awkward with the date to make it work.

It's the fact that it gets weird when you want to be there that I have a problem with. These are magical moments for your kids that you are in not in a position to financially provide (because as parents, you have to pay for all the practical stuff!) and you should absolutely want to be there to watch them enjoy it. Your brother and his wife (sounds more like the wife) want to be the fun aunt and uncle, which is fine, but they can and should do it on a smaller scale that doesn't exclude you. One-upping what you can offer your kids isn't kind, and making it so that you can't be included is just plain wrong on their part.

I don't think you're unreasonable because it must be really sad to miss out on seeing your kids reactions to all of these new experiences but you need to put your children feelings above your own and let their auntie and uncle treat them.

Yes, I agree with this. I wouldn’t want the DC to miss out but I would question why they won’t include you. When it wasn’t certain that DH and I could have DC I remember thinking that if it wasn’t meant to be we would be a very good uncle & aunt to our DNs, but it would never have occurred to us to have tried to do ‘firsts’ without BIL £ SIL. I think that is overstepping, to be honest. And I agree that it could become an issue if teens get used to getting lots of treats from uncle & aunty. I think you need to have a word with your DB and let him know how this is making you feel.

I mean...fair point 😂 But I don't understand why they get arsey about the parent(s) being involved as well?

Minority here. I agree with you. They chose not to have kids and now want to borrow yours for the fun stuff. I hope they are not crass enough to tell them.

Depends. I see it from both sides. For me it would depend on how your Sil is - is she ‘normal’ just doing lovely things and including dc, or is she doing these things and will then be like “oh, I took you there, are you lucky, mum couldn’t afford it” etc? If it was the former I’d try to suck it up and let them go, if it’s the latter then no way would I be party to that.

Right! I'm childfree by choice and I take my nieces and nephews on all sorts of fun trips and shopping etc. Their mum shoves them out the door and is grateful for the quiet time and the lovely photos that they come back with. She would never insinuate I was showing off - to who??? Also the kids would never prefer me over her - she's their mum and they always miss her when we're away.

There must be something else going on in this family relationship...

No , they are auntie and uncle treating their nieces and nephews.

Stop being jealous of their wealth.

Be grateful that they're willing to spend so much time and money with your kids.

Much better it's spent now, than left in a bank account for your kids to inherit and have zero relationship with them.

speaking as someone without kids

Long ago, I called my Aunt to see if I could surprise my cousins girl 10 , boy 8 , boy 7.
i took them to the safari zoo, a fun fair and on the way home we saw they had a McDonald’s opening that the children had never had,
I called their mum to check if Ok as they had never eaten it before.
i got told years later the children never got experiences like this because the family was on a tight budget. These are now core memories and my aunt and uncle never resented that I paid for it. The children got to tell their parents about a treat.
why deny a child they are only young once. And they love to play host when you do it with them on your first time.

Denying your children something just because you can’t afford to take them is so selfish I can’t get my head around it.

I'm sure your DCs will be heartily grateful in the future for all the times you've denied them the opportunity to do something fun because you can't tag along - Not!

Of course YABU.

The simple solution would be to ask the DC if they want to do the things that are out of your reahc financially, and if they do, say yes to those. To the more affordable ones, say no, you already have plans to do this as a family. Win win.

I think it’s sad that you resent your family wanting to give your children fun experiences. Im trying to work out why - is it because you feel guilty that you can’t afford to do the same? That you feel in competition with their uncle and aunt? I wonder would you feel the same if it was grandparents doing it, or if that would feel less threatening/more acceptable.

I think you should try to just enjoy the fact that you have loving relatives who want to spend time with your kids and add wonderful experiences to their lives.

And no I don’t think you should have to be included in the trips. Your kids arent babies. I bet in years to come they will have built a really lovely relationship with their uncle and aunt and look back happily at their special days out with them. I am really close to my Aunts and I can’t tell you what a blessing it is even in middle age. Please encourage it, don’t put obstacles in the way.

Because they want to spend time with their niece and nephew and treat them?! And it changes dynamics completely if the parents are there too! They're going to be the fun sponges who say "no more sweets" or "bedtime in 5 minutes". Not the same at all.

You’re bonkers! How wonderful they have an Aunty who is so invested in their enjoyment and wanting to enrich their lives. I think it’s totally selfish to deny them opportunities because of how YOU feel.

Yes you are being unreasonable. Lucky kids to have a rich auntie and uncle who can do this!!

If they are 7 and 11 and have never done these things then they can't be such a big priority for you to experience it with them. It sounds like a case of "If I can't take you, no-one can." Your children have got the opportunity to do some really fun things and bond with their extended family. They won't love you any less because they've got to do some fun things with someone else. Think of all the children that go on school ski trips etc with school when they'd never be able to do that with their family- would you forbid that unless school let you tag along? Of course they don't want you to come to the experience they booked as something special to do with their niece, and it's quite overbearing of you to try to invite yourself. Your 11 yo will start to be aware of this and resent you if you don't tread carefully.

A Disney parent (usually Disney Dads on here) is a parent who - generally following a split - doesn't want to take on the parenting role anymore and just wants to be seen as the "fun" house and have no rules, discipline etc.

Aunties and Uncles (and indeed Grandparents, Godparents, family friends etc) don't have - or need - the responsibility of these kids and don't need to make rules, tell them off, discipline them.

They just take them out, spoil them, have fun and hand them back to the parents!!!

I think its selfish to be honest, these are experiences they wont get otherwise so you are depriving them purely because youre insecure.

Yes lots of childfree (by choice) couples love to "borrow" children to make their experiences more fun 😂😂😂😂😂

Yes, you're being unreasonable to deny your kids special experiences because you can't afford it. No, you shouldn't expect to be included, they're doing something really nice for your kids, not you. You're an adult. You kids are at the ages where mom doesn't need to go everywhere with them.

Is it really in your child's best interests to be limited because of your funds when you have involved family that would treat them? You're really willing to deprive your kids because you're feeling resentful or some kind of way that might not be too healthy about this?

Can you reframe your thinking and think of it as a gift to your kids?

Don't cut your nose off to spite your face.

If someone offered that for my children, yes I'd feel disappointed inside for myself but I absolutely wouldn't deprived them of an experience I couldn't give them.

They're not trying to make magical moments for OP. They are trying to make magical moments for the children who are their niece and nephew. They're not a charity for OP to have family days out.

Of course you're being unreasonable.

I'm disabled and there is loads of stuff i will NEVER be able to do with my kids, but you can bet your ass when my 6 figure earning older brother offered to take them places, i let him.

Why should the kids miss out just because you can't go/couldn't do it yourself.

Don't be so bloody selfish. jfc.