Saying no to my children having experiences without us?

[MancLass76]

I have 2 children aged 11 and 7 and my sister in law keeps asking if they can do things with them. On one hand it’s great she wants to spend time with them (my brother will be involved as well, she’s just the organiser), they have a great relationship and I really want to encourage that but on the other hand, she puts me in a difficult position of sometimes wanting/deciding to say no and then getting grief if I do and being made to feel really selfish (which I get I am being to some degree).

They are childless through choice but also have higher incomes so often their suggestions are out of reach for us (or something we need to plan for) and they are suggesting experiences for my kids that I don’t want to not be there for. Top end think safari lodges in the UK at £1000 for one night, first trip to London and a show in the West End kind of things but then smaller trips such as first visit to a particular zoo (which has been a family fave through 2 generations of our family).

Am I being unreasonable though to deny my kids these experiences if it means it won’t ever happen.

I also get grief if I ask to be included/tag along on the cheaper things so I can see my kids enjoying the experience they have planned. They bought a virgin experience involving cars for my daughter at Christmas and I asked to go watch and they are now being awkward with the date to make it work.

Whenever I took my niece and nephews for an outing, I always asked DS if she wanted to come along. She normally declined, as it was a chance for her to have some time to herself.

I don't think YABU to want to see their firsts, but if your sister's not inviting you, your DC will miss out. But I do understand that it's your decision to make.

I dunno......its feels a bit like they want to play dollies with your kids......they want all the nice bits but want to be able to hand them back if it gets too much trouble.... I had an aunt like this and I know my parents didn't like it and I can see why. I'd also be a bit concerned what would happen if the child didn't conform to the well behave child model during the outing or was sick or wet themselves or whatever......

Another way of looking at it is you get you also still get to enjoy your children experiencing it but in a different way. So eg 11 year old you can go shopping together for things to take, help them pack case. They can take photos and excitedly tell you all about it when they get home. Maybe give them some spending money etc.

You are being very unreasonable- you would seriously rather let your children miss out having experiences you cannot give them because you wish you could do it first? Having a loving Auntie and Uncle who want to spend time with them is an opportunity to build family bonds which shouldn’t be missed.

if you can’t afford to do the things you want to do with them , maybe look at generating more income via a job move or second job.

The kids are 7 and 11....

You don't seem to like your SIL much Op, there's a rather sneery tone when you say she only arranges the trips. If you don't want your DC to go then say No but lots of parents would be thrilled in your place

I think if it is a first experience that is affordable, it is perfectly reasonable to say no. That is one of the upsides of being a parent, watching their faces when they experience something for the first time. But if it’s something that would be out of your reach financially, I would let them go. Experiences are invaluable for children and as a parent, I would grab any opportunity to let them see as much of the world as they could and try new things. I appreciate it must hurt a bit when you can’t afford it yourself. Rich relations wanting to spoil our kids was never a problem for us!

Do you expect them to keep the children for ever? What do you mean by handing them back if they get too much trouble? OP has not indicated this.

For me, there is a difference between experiences you won't ever be able to offer and first time events at sentimental places.

I think it is a bit selfish to deny your kids some amazing experiences with their Aunt.

It would be nice if she included you in some of it - but her wanting a relationship with your kids is a good thing!

I think you need to be really honest with yourself about why this bothers you.

Do you feel guilty or embarrassed that you can't afford to provide these special experiences for your children yourself?

Do you not get on with SIL? Is there a part of you that is envious of her lifestyle?

Do you feel threatened by your DC having a close relationship with your SIL and DB? If so why do you think that is?

Maybe it feels a little unfair to you that DB and SIL get to have the 'fun' of spending time with kids without any of the stress or drudgery of raising them?

Once you've figured out what it is that makes this so difficult for you, then you need to ask yourself honestly, does the reason for your discomfort justify denying your children a fun and enriching experience? Unless there are safety concerns, the answer is very likely to be no. If it's guilt, embarrassment, envy... as my 11 year old would say, "that sounds like a you problem".

I don't think that the solution is you trying to muscle in by inviting yourself along every time your SIL and DB offer to take your DC somewhere. At their age it's quite normal to do things with close family without a parent having to tag along. SIL and DB will start to think you don't trust them with your DC. I also don't feel that SIL and BIL, in wanting to treat their niece and nephew, should feel obliged to pay for you too.

You need to re-frame this in your mind as your children benefiting from lovely experiences and you get the added bonus of some child free time, rather than you focusing on you missing out.

Yes, because OP's children are not their responsibility and they are in the fortunate position of being able to do fun things without actually having children- and OP is in the fortunate position of having someone who wants to give her children more fun experiences! They don't owe OP or the kids anything. Just like grandparents and other extended families, they can have fun with the children and they can return them if it stops being fun.

are 11 YO's never sick?

I get that finances are tight OP, but what fun experiences do you actually do with your DCs? Things like the zoo visit are surely affordable to most even if means saving up, which surely you would do if it’s such an important rite of passage for your family. Weekend visits to the park or leisure pool are low cost.
I suspect that you’re trying to piggy back and push back on these paid for treats because you don’t do much yourself.

yes but its the offering things that the OP can't....... I think its one of those things you maybe need to have experienced?

Surely if your child was sick you'd want them to come straight home to you? I definitely would. Would you want them to continue traipsing around a safari park when they are obviously unwell? Or do you think it should be down to SIL and BIL to take them back to their home and nurse them?

I was referring to your comment about them wetting themselves. But yes, 11 year olds do get sick. But I'm fairly certain that 2 fully grown, successful adults will be able to deal with a poorly child. Same as if the child was at school or in a summer camp or at a friends house. Do you never let your kids go away with anyone else in case they get sick?!!

Genuinely surprised that most posters think OP is being unreasonable. I would not like being made to feel the poor relation to my own children, however pure, loving and wonderful the other party's intentions.

I'm not being sarcastic, I'm sure they are well-intentioned gestures - just rather cloth-eared as to how it might make their mum feel. Besides, I don't think giving a child 'experiences' trumps everything; especially if they're the kind of experiences that rely on having a fair bit of money. And never including mum in the fun does smack a bit of buying the kids' affection.

All that said OP, I don't think you have much choice but to grin and bear it. Otherwise you're just the one ruining everyone's fun.

DH is the emotional bridge here of course and could help you out. But as you don't mention him, apart from saying he goes on these trips without you, I assume he's sidestepping that particular emotional minefield ("I'm not taking sides") in classic manly fashion!

By 7 and 11 you would surely have taken your children to this zoo if it meant that much to you? Even if it meant saving up for it.
Dont be the parent who denies experiences for their dc, let them get out and do things, open up their world,

I can’t believe your spite at not wanting them to do things without you spills over into them missing out completely 😱😱😱 poor bloody kids is all I think.

I’ve sent my dc on school trips because I knew it was something I’d be unlikely to do with them - it was a good opportunity for them to have experiences that that probably wouldn’t otherwise have.
I can’t see any way to justify what you’re doing op.

Did your 11 yr old go on yr6 residential? Lots of yr7 go to a theme park at end of term. What about birthday parties - lots are activity type. My Guides same age as your eldest went on a trip to Harry Potter.
If you say yes to those types of things perhaps think why you feel it’s different with Uncle and Auntie.
It’s sad and limiting if your children won’t be able to go anywhere except with mum.

Exactly this! OP seems so focused on the cost which makes me feel there’s a competitive element between her and DB/SIL, but this is really about the kids getting to spend time with their uncle and aunt.

I sometimes take my god children out for the day. I spend time with them with their parents too of course, but the outings without the parents are special time just for us, and it’s a very different thing. We get to build our relationship in a way we couldn’t if the parents were there.

Their parents are never anything but thrilled - firstly that the kids have had a fun time, and second that they’ve had a bit of time off!

Fucking hell, what kind of sociopath will deny a safari lodge trip or a west end show to their kids just because they're not the one getting the credit?? I want to see my kids happy, not have my ego stroked.

Well, it’s not about you or (OP) , but about the kids experiencing as much as possible and taking advantage of all the opportunities that are available to them.

I didn’t have children so that some1 else can have the pleasure of being with or spoiling them. I never wanted time to myself, you can’t go back & have a bit more of your offspring’s childhood.
DEFINITELY you are NOT unreasonable to want input. My SIL was endlessly wanting to borrow a child & do things. Once or twice I allowed it. Subsequently once children were adult I discovered my gut feelings were correct.
I let my DB & his wife take my 3 with their only child & it’s cousin, camping. The cousins DM hadn’t told any1 it had head lice ???! Chucked with rain & literally had pool in tent etc, etc. didn’t give up & go home, why? SIL eventually phoned & told about the lice, after children had returned home, only then did they dare tell me about the rain!
Children don’t like to complain/say stuff. It’s no good just hoping a completely child free relative will have the same judgements as the loving parent is mHo.

You are being selfish towards your children. Not every experience they have will be/needs to be with you. They can have fun with rich uncle and aunt and that will be fine. Let them go! Have a rest from the kids. And no, you can't invite yourself on someone else's trip - very intrusive.