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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Saying no to my children having experiences without us?

605 replies

MancLass76 · 23/07/2025 12:03

I have 2 children aged 11 and 7 and my sister in law keeps asking if they can do things with them. On one hand it’s great she wants to spend time with them (my brother will be involved as well, she’s just the organiser), they have a great relationship and I really want to encourage that but on the other hand, she puts me in a difficult position of sometimes wanting/deciding to say no and then getting grief if I do and being made to feel really selfish (which I get I am being to some degree).

They are childless through choice but also have higher incomes so often their suggestions are out of reach for us (or something we need to plan for) and they are suggesting experiences for my kids that I don’t want to not be there for. Top end think safari lodges in the UK at £1000 for one night, first trip to London and a show in the West End kind of things but then smaller trips such as first visit to a particular zoo (which has been a family fave through 2 generations of our family).

Am I being unreasonable though to deny my kids these experiences if it means it won’t ever happen.

I also get grief if I ask to be included/tag along on the cheaper things so I can see my kids enjoying the experience they have planned. They bought a virgin experience involving cars for my daughter at Christmas and I asked to go watch and they are now being awkward with the date to make it work.

OP posts:
Jaws2025 · 23/07/2025 13:05

How many people let dc go off to a caravan their grandparents have? (Or, being Mumsnet, a chateau in France).
Is the issue that this involves a sibling, not a grandparent?

Spindrifts · 23/07/2025 13:05

Your children, your parenting. Why do you feel guilty? Invite them around and expect them to fit in with your family.

GagaBinks · 23/07/2025 13:06

You're getting a hard time here OP but I understand where you're coming from. You want to be that special person to provide these experiences and memories and it must be so hard knowing that you can't, but someone else can. I completely sympathise with your feelings - I think I would feel the same.

stayathomer · 23/07/2025 13:06

to me it depends if they’re taking over things you really really wanted to do (eg first Santa experience, first trip to the zoo, Disneyland, holiday etc etc)

and also if it’s sending your kids down the ‘entitled’ route. Eg if it’s really regular and they think spending ridiculous amounts on experiences is normal then that’s not ok. Also there is the danger in the teenage years all this stuff comes back to bite you ‘why can’t I have x or y?!’ but I think it should be more on a case by case basis then them never doing anything with their aunt or uncle!

btw I think this is one of those times on mn people answering would answer differently if they were in this situation

OhHellolittleone · 23/07/2025 13:06

TheOccupier · 23/07/2025 13:02

SO unreasonable. You sound jealous and selfish. Put your children first, or maybe work a bit harder if you want to be the one providing these experiences!

‘Work a bit harder’ massive eye roll. Everyone knows that how hard you work does necessarily mean high pay.

Starlight1984 · 23/07/2025 13:06

I actually think it's irrelevant whether you can afford these things or not. Even if you could, it's still nice for them to go away and make memories with their aunty and uncle.

My aunt and uncle used to take me everywhere with them before they had kids! Holidays, theatre, shopping trips...I loved doing stuff with my parents too but my aunt and uncle were the "fun" ones who never said no to anything and spoilt me rotten. I was gutted when my cousins came along 😂

Swan6 · 23/07/2025 13:08

Your very selfish op
Can't you just be happy for your children
Mine were taken first class to America for two weeks by family ..
Did I complain I wasn't invited..No
Will I get to go . also NO
Am I complaining No
I am happy for my children, because I want them to do better in life than me ,and I want them to have all the experiences I couldn't have

Starlight1984 · 23/07/2025 13:09

BuckChuckets · 23/07/2025 12:09

How do you get grief if you ask to be involved? That sounds like they're more interested in playing the rich, bountiful family members to your kids than actually giving them some lovely experiences. Can you have a conversation, stand your ground, and explain why you want to be involved?

Sorry but there are literally NO childfree (by choice!) couples in the world who would take someone else's children on holiday with them purely to show off how rich they are 😂

Lottapianos · 23/07/2025 13:09

'They’re buying favour, because they like their nephews and nieces to love them, but aren’t prepared to put the effort in to build that relationship properly, which is pretty shit, and sadly very common'

Where on earth did you get that from the OP?

Childfree relatives just cannot do right for doing wrong on here. We either don't spend enough time and money on family, and of course we have nothing else to do with that money or time, not having kids ourselves 🙄 or we're just TOO interested and involved, and it's weird and we're hijacking the kids and only wanting to give them fun experiences. Or something

RockStrangeNight · 23/07/2025 13:11

Come on OP. I hardly need to add my voice to this - but why on earth would you deny your kids these special experiences?
Ring fence any that you’re planning to do one day, ask if you can join them on some of the others, be grateful that your kids have these generous people in their lives.

latetothefisting · 23/07/2025 13:11

pikkumyy77 · 23/07/2025 12:05

I think this sounds awful. Stand your ground. They want to be Disney parents to your kids.

Or, as most normal people would call them, loving family members 🙄

The whole point of being a relative to children is to spoil them and enjoy spending time with them! What activity would you consider suitable and not "disney parents" - just sitting watching TV with them? Real bonding experience....

"Am I being unreasonable though to deny my kids these experiences if it means it won’t ever happen."
OP you answered your own question.
Yes you would be.
Its different if there were some things you were planning on doing yourself so would prefer the dc did them with you. But if they are being offered opportunities they'd otherwise never have its incredibly selfish and petty to say no just because you're not included. Most people want the best for their dc.

As a pp said, lots of these types of activities many kids do with schools etc. Parents don't have to be there for every single "first thing." Plus if this particular zoo is such a family favourite, first time special tradition, why are you waiting until the kids are old enough to be taken by uncle/aunt? If it was that much of a big deal to your family why didn't you take them when they were much younger? Kids like zoos from very young ages - at 11 your eldest probably won't want to be doing big family outings much longer.

If there are a few specific things you want to do with them, pull your finger out and decide what you most want to do and can afford and actually make plans to do them yourself! Then let the aunt/uncle do additional things you aren't bothered about or could never afford.

VanCleefArpels · 23/07/2025 13:12

You are being ridiculous but I think you know that by now. Your OP says more about you than your in-laws. If they have the means and time to treat your kids then let them - you can’t possibly expect to be alongside your children when they do certain activities for the first time, enjoy them coming home excited and full of tales!

ShallIstart · 23/07/2025 13:13

Your kids are very lucky to have wealthy family who love and cherish spending time with them. Many kids do not have family, or wealth to enjoy these things with. I think you should try and let go of your feelings and embrace the fact that your kids have people in their lives who want to take them places and do stuff with them. My kids don't even get this from their grandparents.

Saladbar · 23/07/2025 13:14

Say no to the things you can afford to do with them yourself and do those things with your children.

I’d let them do the things that are unreachable/unaffordable for you and special treats, but would try and organise it with my brother/SIL for summer, their birthdays and Christmas and so a few times a year. I also wouldn’t let my children be taken too far from home so 3-4hrs drive away max, just incase they asked to be brought home or became unwell. As they get older I’d let them have more freedom.

Starlight1984 · 23/07/2025 13:15

Goldbar · 23/07/2025 12:43

If anyone was offering to take my kids on these wonderful experiences, and I trusted them, I'd be shoving the kids out the door, asking for a few photos, putting my feet up and ordering my favourite takeaway.

You would be mad to say no. Not just jealous but completely certifiably bats in the attic mad. That's just my opinion - I can't see how this is anything but win-win for you and the kids.

Can you give me your SIL's number? If you don't want to yours to go, I have a 7yo handy who would be over the moon at a safari trip and happy to be "adopted" by an aunt and uncle offering this calibre of treats.

Edited

Absolutely all of this 😂

VintageDiamondGirl · 23/07/2025 13:15

I have one SIL who was sadly unable to have her own children so she is a very special aunt to my 2. She is also a high earner, lives in London and often took our children on days out when they were little. I would be fine with it and also maybe let your children decide.

SREF2025 · 23/07/2025 13:16

Gosh, I think you're being very unreasonable.

I think you should be grateful that their is an aunt and uncle in your children's life who are willing to provide those more expensive experiences for your children.

Most children don't have that.

Saladbar · 23/07/2025 13:16

Also OP why have you not done the first trip to London or first trip to a special zoo with them yet? They are 7 and 11…

UsernameCreateded · 23/07/2025 13:18

If you’re concerned about them being alone with your children, even if it’s just a feeling then YANBU.
If it’s that you want to be there when they do these things YABU. That’s not putting their best interests first.

Ihopeyouhavent · 23/07/2025 13:19

Wow you're selfish.

My SIL took my boys loads of places. Zoo. theme parks, days out in London and now they are older they have the most fantastic memories! She even took one to Seville for a week and their Granny took them to Spain for a week.

MrsMitford3 · 23/07/2025 13:19

I am very surprised by your attitude-how selfish to deprive your DC of these wonderful experiences.

How will they feel when they get older and Auntie tells them she tried to take them on special treats and you blocked it???

Think you need to loosen up and let them go have fun-it's not too late.

Starlight1984 · 23/07/2025 13:20

Goldbar · 23/07/2025 12:51

If you want to do the "firsts" for your kids, you actually have to, well, do them. Not put them off indefinitely until the kids are too old.

Like the "really special and meaningful" family zoo that the 11 year old still hasn't been taken to.... 🙄

NoSoupForU · 23/07/2025 13:22

You're making it about you and your envy, rather than about your children so of course you're unreasonable.

MargaretThursday · 23/07/2025 13:22

So roughly you'd rather your DC missed out than someone else treated them.

That's the embodiment of dog in the manger.

AmyDuPlantier · 23/07/2025 13:23

I think you’re being selfish tbh sorry. My sister sometimes takes my kids away, they have more spare income than I do. The kids love it and so does she, and I love the peace!

You would be insane to deny your kids experiences you can’t give them based on your churlishness.