Saying no to my children having experiences without us?

[MancLass76]

I have 2 children aged 11 and 7 and my sister in law keeps asking if they can do things with them. On one hand it’s great she wants to spend time with them (my brother will be involved as well, she’s just the organiser), they have a great relationship and I really want to encourage that but on the other hand, she puts me in a difficult position of sometimes wanting/deciding to say no and then getting grief if I do and being made to feel really selfish (which I get I am being to some degree).

They are childless through choice but also have higher incomes so often their suggestions are out of reach for us (or something we need to plan for) and they are suggesting experiences for my kids that I don’t want to not be there for. Top end think safari lodges in the UK at £1000 for one night, first trip to London and a show in the West End kind of things but then smaller trips such as first visit to a particular zoo (which has been a family fave through 2 generations of our family).

Am I being unreasonable though to deny my kids these experiences if it means it won’t ever happen.

I also get grief if I ask to be included/tag along on the cheaper things so I can see my kids enjoying the experience they have planned. They bought a virgin experience involving cars for my daughter at Christmas and I asked to go watch and they are now being awkward with the date to make it work.

Yes that's such a good point. I had a close relationship with my N&N when they were little (although I was less well off then but still took them places like museums, aquarium, bowling). Then had a good job when they were late teens so bought them really good computers when they started uni. Now they're in 20s I've helped them with rent deposits and will give them some money each for house deposits. If their parents ever thought this was weird or stopped me, the kids would be the main ones to lose out! I'd be sad but I have friends' kids who'd prob appreciate the cash instead!

Omg you're being an absolute spoil sport!!!!

Let your kids go and have fun fgs

Are you reacting to some underlying undermining you or hostilty to you OP?

I have some family who can be very negative towards me - to point one wanted to be called mama - and even now thinks people mistake her as the kids mothers and the boundary pushing and undermining been ongoing annoyance.

However the kids have benefited by having them in their lives and doing things with them. They know I'm their Mum - and DH I have over years doing that dreaded thing of putting "boundaries" in - so what we say went - less so now they are reaching adulthood obviously. I have at times had to grit my teeth - or find ways to politely push back and accept they will have relationship and feeling with these family members that are different to ones I have.

Sorry, what? You're denying your children these nice experiences because you want to be there? It's not about you though is it?

The idea of them being able to build such a precious relationship with their aunt and uncle would mean so much to me, knowing that they had other adults in their life to turn to as they grow if they feel unable to talk to me for whatever reason, or heaven forbid I drop dead... I would bite their hands off, gratefully.

YABVU.

You can build precious memories with them without spending a penny. Not all experiences are splashy. Let them splash, focus your energy on the experiences you CAN give them (time and presence are priceless after all), and let it go.

Let them go and book something adult for yourself that you wouldn't be able to do if the kids were with you.

first visit to a particular zoo (which has been a family fave through 2 generations of our family).

Yet despite being so special you still haven't taken your children, the oldest who is now 11?

When your kids are older/teens will you not want them to enjoy new experiences unless you are there? I just find it bizarre. Why wouldn’t you want good things for them?

I tend to agree with this. Fair enough if you're going to do it later, and also potentially fair enough if you think it will ruin later experiences (i.e. you want to take them on the ferry to France before their auntie takes them on a helicopter to Paris to give an extreme example) but you shouldn't stop them having those experiences ever.

Don’t begrudge your kids amazing opportunities just because you cannot give them to them.

My brother is fantastic with my son, and I’m so incredibly grateful for anything he does with him.

My daughter is going to Hungary next week to watch the grand prix.

I'm absolutely delighted for her as it's not something I could afford.

I wouldn’t deprive my DC. If it was something we had already talked about and I could confidently save for and achieve then I’d say no but otherwise I’d let them go. Not all favourite memories from my childhood revolve around amazing experiences, the smaller things count too

I was a child who got to go on great experiences because of a well off relative!

Let them go, I remember the great experiences we had, my mum was never sad about it (in front of me anyway) and was always excited to hear about my (and my siblings) experiences.
I remember them fondly but also remember the lovely things my mum was able to do with us.

You may be in a position in the future to take your children to some of these places and it doesn’t mean they’ll enjoy them any less because they’ve been before.

My relative used to take us to see a similar show every year (think pantomine) when I was a teen my mum took me and actually that’s the memory that first comes to mind when I think of that show.

offer your relatives a compromise, they are welcome to take them on the big trips, as long as when they are more affordable and accessible for you then you are able to join on.

I completely understand how you feel. I would (and have) felt the same too, however you absolutely should not be standing in the way of your children having amazing experiences that you will never be able to give them.

Many of us wish we had more finances to do some amazing things with our children that may be out of reach.

But to deny children having experiences we can’t otherwise afford because we aren't the ones giving them the experience or sharing it with them is controlling.

The first part sure any loving parent can identify, the second, I’m not so sure.

I can’t understand the mentality of denying your children these experiences because you won’t be there to see them enjoying it. It’s pretty selfish and bizarre in my opinion.

Also lol at the heritage of "two generations" 🤣 in other words, OP went with her parents.
Not quite three generations as she hasn't got round to taking her kids in the last 11 years.

YANBU. They’re buying favour, because they like their nephews and nieces to love them, but aren’t prepared to put the effort in to build that relationship properly, which is pretty shit, and sadly very common. It’s usually crap grandparents though.
I don’t allow these one dimensional Disney relationships with my kids. It sets a shit example to them and is not healthy. Relationships with kids should be balanced- whisking them off for high octane excitement and being absent for the mundane, boring, ‘normal’ outings and shit bits isn’t real life and encourages superficial, materialistic relationships. You want to come and play with the kids for an afternoon at home and take them to the farm park? Sure. Take them out to something that will blow their minds for a day and we don’t see you until it happens again? Nope.

I think you're being massively selfish. You need to prioritise your dcs over your own wants.

No you are not being unreasonable! That doesn’t sound right to me They are your children and they should be feeling grateful for the life and lifestyle that you are providing for them. Don't feel guilty that you can’t afford these experiences and that you are depriving them of that. Your children should be happy and content spending the day with you having a picnic in the park. These precious moments are NOT about money. Don’t ever feel obliged to give other people the chance to take that away from you. The precious days with your children are numbered and if you aren’t invited along then I don’t think that’s good protocol. They should understand. You said they are childless by choice, sounds like they could be regretting that but it is not for your children to fill that void. Perhaps they should have had their own family. Dont feel guilty. This is YOUR family which you are responsible for and you deserve to be the one to have their time and for them to be dependent on that, not family members spoiling. They are basically having the good experiences while you do the drudgery. There will always be an experience which is financially out of reach, it’s a good life lesson for your children to understand that money doesn’t grow on trees. What’s more, you don’t want your brother and SIL undermining your values which could happen in the long term if the children see them as the ones giving them all the happy and fun experiences. Just no way would I be allowing this!

I agree with you. It’s all too much.

They throw their money at these kids and get the smiles and admiration without putting any of the work in, knowing you can’t match those experiences because you pay for these kids to live. It’s off.

A couple of nice experiences would be lovely, but this seems like rent-a-family. They don’t want you there. Telling!

SO unreasonable. You sound jealous and selfish. Put your children first, or maybe work a bit harder if you want to be the one providing these experiences!

Gosh, I wish my kids had had those experiences when they were young. My childless dsis has only taken out my (now) 17 and 19 year old a grand total of 3 times since they were little, even though she lives 5 mins away.

They don't have a very close relationship with her now sadly (although she always says she hopes they can help look after her in her old age, bloody cheek!)

UABU imo, this should be about your kid, not about you.

No, a Disney had has responsibility and is only there for the fun stuff. A ‘fun aunt’ is totally different.

Surely this just means the kids double up on amazing experiences - they go on safari with aunty and then elsewhere with OP…

Your children will love the experiences, your brother/SIL will love to spoil them and you/your partner will have a bit of time for yourselves. I am sure they will send you pictures and videos and once back the children will tell you all about it. There is no need for you to be there and witness it. It's a bit like when they go on a school trip or a scout camp: we all do wish we were flies on the walls, but we just let them go and enjoy their freedom and independence. Unless you don't trust the grown ups to look after them, these is really the time to say yes to all these offers.