Saying no to my children having experiences without us?

[MancLass76]

I have 2 children aged 11 and 7 and my sister in law keeps asking if they can do things with them. On one hand it’s great she wants to spend time with them (my brother will be involved as well, she’s just the organiser), they have a great relationship and I really want to encourage that but on the other hand, she puts me in a difficult position of sometimes wanting/deciding to say no and then getting grief if I do and being made to feel really selfish (which I get I am being to some degree).

They are childless through choice but also have higher incomes so often their suggestions are out of reach for us (or something we need to plan for) and they are suggesting experiences for my kids that I don’t want to not be there for. Top end think safari lodges in the UK at £1000 for one night, first trip to London and a show in the West End kind of things but then smaller trips such as first visit to a particular zoo (which has been a family fave through 2 generations of our family).

Am I being unreasonable though to deny my kids these experiences if it means it won’t ever happen.

I also get grief if I ask to be included/tag along on the cheaper things so I can see my kids enjoying the experience they have planned. They bought a virgin experience involving cars for my daughter at Christmas and I asked to go watch and they are now being awkward with the date to make it work.

Id love to have family like this! I have no one to help except their dad every other weekend. Would love if people I trusted and had good relationships with them took them to nice places,

I think nothing wrong with them having fun with other relatives on their own and moderately pricey stuff I wouldn't mind but if I'm being completely honest yes it would annoy me if they were spending thousands on my children because I wouldn't want to feel like they are providing something that I cannot provide.

If I'm putting in all the hard work and am there through the difficult times I want to also own the highs and provide the fun times. And let's face it, my provision of fun is at risk of seeming dull in comparison if they're having thousands spent on them going to Disneyland or safari or whatever.

And no I wouldn't feel bad on the children because I would be providing them with fun experiences, just not ones that cost thousands of pounds.

If it wasn't that frequent it might not bother me but if it did bother I think if just be honest with them.

I just think some things are for a parent to own, otherwise where is the bloody reward? If they want to take kids on fancy expeditions, they can have their own and deal with the other challenges as well.

YAB totally unreasonable stopping them going, sorry. I do understand how it makes you feel through.
At the need of the day, it’s just life that some people have more cash than others. I can understand how it’s a bit galling, but surely it’s lovely that your family want to be involved with your kids and spend time with them. The experiences don’t sound that extravagant TBH. If you stop them going, the kids may find out later and resent you. Let them build great relationships now with family that love them; you could have some time off too.

I would let them go as soon as those experiences are safe and in accordance with the age.
They won't be kids forever and if you sister is willing to spend the money on them that is fab.

I agree with this.

I do not agree with the posters saying that OP is jealous of her own kids. She has established that she simply wishes to be there to be able to witness their joy, and as their parents, why shouldn't she feel this way?

The OP has also mentioned how the SIL goes OTT at holidays too, thus overshadowing OP's efforts. It's incredibly insensitive of the SIL to do this, imo. We had this issue with grandparents, and it caused an enormous amount of issues and hurt feelings, not to mention such a strong focus on materialism.

Sounds like the SIL needs some boundaries. Or kids of her own.

Disney parents is a great way to describe it. I would tell them that’s how it feels. Compare it to Disney dads where the mum does all the graft.

I don’t think you’re being selfish at all, you can’t let people buy your child’s love. Children don’t understand that. It’s unhealthy for your immediate family dynamics to just let this carry on out of guilt.

I don’t think YABU and I think some of these replies are pretty unfair. They can spend time with your kids without going OTT and splashing all this cash. Do they ever offer to do regular things with your kids - take them to the pictures or the beach or is it all extravagant stuff? I

Seems a bit vulgar and rubbing your nose in it somewhat when they know you can’t afford it. It risks your kids being dissatisfied with activities your family CAN afford as nothing will ever compare to their extravagant treats. How is your relationship with DB and SIL generally?

I've read your update. It reads as though they don’t want to be involved much in day to day but would like to treat kids to a few expensive trips. How do kids feel? If they are happy spending time with uncle and auntie I’d let them go.
It’s not a competition it’s just different. So eg you take your son to football and watch him week in and week out in all weathers. Fun uncle takes him to big stadium to watch his favourite premier league team once a year. Both have a place in life, one isn’t better than other.
As for Christmas a trip not present might save the top trumping via presents.

Jeez just let the kids have some fun! Perhaps the experiences you plan to do, ask them not to- like the zoo. But everything else should be fine and just enjoy some child free time

Absolutely, couldn't agree more.

If someone offered to take my DC on that kind of experience I'd welcome it with open arms. They are your children, so it's up to you, but denying them things just because you can't go sounds supremely self-centred.

My richer aunty used to do stuff like this with me. Did I feel I missed out with my parents - no. I did lovely things with them too. At the time I didn’t realise it was anything to do with money, just that I had lots of people doing lovely things with me

I imagine @MancLass76 much of this stems from wishing you were in a position to do these things? If you can admit this to yourself, then that's 90% of the battle. Depersonalise it. Would you want your DC to only have your level of education or be happy for them to achieve more? Would you only want them to go on the types of holidays you've been on? Or is the world their oyster? When you are grandparents, would you like nice experiences with your grandchildren? How would you feel if your DIL/SIL said no out of jealousy?

This isn't about you.
This isn't about them being better than you. They aren't.
This is about your lovely DC having time with what are clearly a doting aunt and uncle.
Don't begrudge them that. If you do you are setting yourself up to be resented...

Text back yes. Ask them to send a video/photos. Thank them for how much they care for your children.

If you’ve not gone to the zoo that is special for several generations of your family by the time your eldest is 11 I’m going to say you aren’t going so just let them take the kids?!

I get what you are saying. There was a similar situation in my extended family.

Childless aunt and uncle constantly wanting to do exciting and "cool" things with their niece, but not interested in going to see niece in school production etc. Generally the parents agreed to most of it as they couldn't have afforded it, and didn't want to deny the experience, but they weren't always happy about it.

However, as the niece got older (now 18) she started to notice that they weren't actually interested in her and what she wanted to do, it was all about them, where they wanted to take her, and their generosity. Style over substance. So after a few years the niece was the one saying "no thank you".

No one replaces mum and dad, OP. No one!

I grew up with a very rich, single, childless godmother, she spoilt me and my sister rotten. God I used to love her visits!!! She bought wonderful, thoughtful presents we wouldn’t have ever had otherwise. She took us to really fun events, took us to the cinema loads. She took us both to nice restaurants and paid for the lot when we turned 21! We adored her, I still miss her deeply.

But she was not my mum! I never once felt mum wasn’t good enough because she couldn’t afford these gifts or trips, ever. Mum came along to some (they were lifelong best friends) but others she just happily waved us off. I’d be so excited to get home and tell her about our days.

If the relationships are otherwise happy, I’d try and find a nice middle ground here and be happy they’re willing to do so much with them!

I think op you are making this about you rather than your kids. You feel jealous/insecure/resentful/bitter etc and because of that your children miss out.

It’s not about you, if they want to spoil your children then all you need to say is thank you.

You should be thankful you have relatives who want to spend their precious time and money on your kids. I personally couldn’t be arsed with my siblings kids as they are as dull and brattish as their parents. My in laws kids however were always good fun when they were young and we have had lots of fab times together. Still, like others have pointed out, you wont say no thanks if they leave your kids money in their will or pay for uni etc.

This is exactly the relationship my sister and I had with our Uncle & Aunty and I loved it! It’s also the same relationship my son has with my sister and I love her for that. I know my son loves me and his dad more than anything. Nothing can replace it. Our experiences with our Uncle were just a bonus bolt on top of an already fabulous childhood.

It takes a village to raise a child. Be grateful for the village you have OP. Let them go on the trips.
I am sure you do things with your children and have a bond with them that is unique because they are yours.
I don't think you have anything to fear by letting them benefit from time with aunty and uncle 🌻❤️

I get you, @MancLass76
You have to lay it out.
"A lot of your offers are amazing, but dc also haven't done that yet and we want those first experiences to be as a family. They grow so fast and those moments are precious to us."
Your db and sil don't have kids, so wouldn't know that.
Make a suggestion for what to do instead. It sounds like you are lucky because they obv want to be the fun aunt/uncle. 💛

My sister and bil are similar and have had some wonderful 'firsts' with dd. They don't want the drudgery of parenting but love to spoil her. I think it's wonderful she knows she's adored by her family and they have a unique bond with her. I'm her mum and that will never be spoilt by her being close and having fun with other people. She's her own unique person and deserves the chance to take every opportunity offered to her.

YABU. You'd rather your kids didn't do some amazing things just because you won't be there? To be honest, you sound jealous. Let them go and take advantage of the opportunities.

I think I’d just be grateful that my children were being given the experience. What bothers you about it? Your children love you and you are their mum, they won’t like your sister in law more just because she buys them things.

Male point of view but I'd feel a bit uncomfortable as she appears to be vicariously living her maternal fantasies through you.