Saying no to my children having experiences without us?

[MancLass76]

I have 2 children aged 11 and 7 and my sister in law keeps asking if they can do things with them. On one hand it’s great she wants to spend time with them (my brother will be involved as well, she’s just the organiser), they have a great relationship and I really want to encourage that but on the other hand, she puts me in a difficult position of sometimes wanting/deciding to say no and then getting grief if I do and being made to feel really selfish (which I get I am being to some degree).

They are childless through choice but also have higher incomes so often their suggestions are out of reach for us (or something we need to plan for) and they are suggesting experiences for my kids that I don’t want to not be there for. Top end think safari lodges in the UK at £1000 for one night, first trip to London and a show in the West End kind of things but then smaller trips such as first visit to a particular zoo (which has been a family fave through 2 generations of our family).

Am I being unreasonable though to deny my kids these experiences if it means it won’t ever happen.

I also get grief if I ask to be included/tag along on the cheaper things so I can see my kids enjoying the experience they have planned. They bought a virgin experience involving cars for my daughter at Christmas and I asked to go watch and they are now being awkward with the date to make it work.

Yes, that vibe is very strong in some of the posts here. Also more than one person saying aunt and uncle shouldn’t get to “borrow” OP’s children, which is such a bizarre phrase to use about living beings. It’s all grim, children aren’t possessions.

This!

I will never forget the experience of taking them to their first visit to things like Lion King, or Disney, or yes even London Zoo. We had to budget carefully at the time.

Its quite normal for you to want to do these things with them.

It sounds like your SIL/DB are taking over a bit and being quite insensitive.
An outing or two is great and appreciated but taking over and excluding you is not on.

If they can't listen to you either, pr just dismiss you, that's a problem.

I think it sounds fine. Think of it this way, your children will enjoy the experience TWICE, once when they go there and the second time when they come home and tell you all about it.

It all depends how they behave when the OP says 'No' and how they behave when they have the kids in their care.

My inlaws want our kids constantly but they're not nice if we say no-politely and for good reason such as busy that weekend. They change the plans when they have them just to make sure we know that when they have them they're in control. They will change the place they're taking them to without letting us know, invited others without telling us and not answer phone calls or text messages. And I don't mean OTT level of messages. I mean if they have them for the weekend one of us might text in the morning to see if they slept well...it will be read and ignored. They wont let us join them for days out but will get their other child to come along with her kids and call it a 'lovely family day'.

OP indicated that they're difficult if they dont get their own way. Its very hard to hand your children over in these situations.

Why would you want to deprive your children of amazing experiences?

It really is gross

"Borrowing" You mean spending time with? Like they aren't a library book.

Poor kids

But the difference is that OP isn’t taking her children to these things, so if aunt and uncle don’t then they won’t get to experience tgem at all.

Issue here seems to be that OP expects her brother to treat her to the experiences too, when it’s his Christmas gift to his niblings. She’s jealous of her own children having a fun time.

YANBU

They are your kids!

I have someone who tries to do a bit of that with me.
But nothing on your scale.
And they wouldnt dream of taking them off somewhere, and not wanting me to come along.

OP didn’t mention any of these things happening.

Glad the stats say 83% unreasonable.

From the posts here, it almost sounds like the other way around.

My aunt took me on my first trip to London! Those types of experiences when I was younger helped bring me out of my shell. I was very shy and would almost hide behind parents in social situations. So spending time with my aunts was a challenge to that behaviour, but a very secure challenge. As an adult I am now really close to aunts who took me on trips as a child, it's really nice. Even if children aren't shy, just experiencing things with different people brings them new perspectives and things to talk about. I think it's really nice if extended families can help raise the kids.

And, I have never before today considered it important that my parents didn't take me on my first London 'experience'. My parents did everything for me and we had so many fun times as a family. Children's memories are not made by the price of the admission ticket, their most treasures moments might be singing made up songs on the walk to school.

I've not read the whole thread so not sure if you elaborated more on the issue of you not being invited to these events. It could be odd, or it could be that they think they are giving you some time to chill without having to have an eye on the children. But if the children are happy to go then it would be a shame to stop them.

I think it’s of huge benefit to children to have relationships with other trusted adults. It exposes them to different ways of life and to experiences we may not be able to / want to offer them. I’d let them do it if you trust them as people.

If, as I‘m - maybe incorrectly- reading between the lines, these people have little experience of extended time with children, you may find one family experience is enough for them. My sister-in-law liked the idea of looking after her nephew. It took one session for her to realise her expectations and the reality were a bit different…

You’d rather they miss out? Really?

But it’s such a positive experience for children to spend fun time interacting with benign, involved adults who aren’t their parents. It really isn’t beneficial for anyone to treat children as possessions. Didn’t you ever stay with or get taken out by grandparents/aunts and uncles/godparents without your Mum and Dad?

Its more than Christmas, it seems like these trips etc are fairly frequent and they are not pleased when OP has to decline occasionally.

They bought a virgin experience involving cars for my daughter at Christmas and I asked to go watch and they are now being awkward with the date to make it work.

Why can't she just go and watch?

Its fine to offer occasional days out but it does sound like they are overstepping a bit.

You’re being utterly ridiculous OP. Are you actually going to deny your kids possibly fantastic experiences just because you’re not the one providing them?

what if it was a school event and they were doing something on an overnight trip? Would you say no because you weren’t the one who took them kayaking first? Are you going to take them on their first date? It sounds like their family members want to provide them with great experiences. Life’s too short!

I think your being selfish. Let's your kids have these experiences. What a wonderful aunty and uncle they have. That want a special relationship with your kids. Do you know how lucky you are. Get over your insecurities.

I do get where you’re coming from, it’s nice to see your kids experience things but as you can’t afford some of those things I think it’s sad to not let them go.

I spent a few years trying to get my niece and nephews out of their house to experience things that I felt were important: things their parents couldn’t afford/don’t prioritise but that most kids get to experience in life. Holidays, days out etc. But I don’t like spending time with my DB and SIL, we have different lives and they much prefer to spend time with SILs family. They are happy to accept any offers we make, think it gives them a break and I don’t think they care as I just don’t think these things are important to them. I am really conscious though that they might feel we are overstepping. I try not to but I do wonder if they think I’m being patronising. I suppose I am a bit. I just hope they see it as me wanting to treat them but really I’ve made a judgement that the kids need to leave the house more than just school.

So yeah, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to feel this way, but I’d suck it up and use the money you do have to have experiences that you can afford. My neice will often say how much she’d love to come back with her mum - she would much rather her mum be there. So don’t worry if you can’t afford the expensive stuff, it’s time with her mum that she loves

God, I'd be thrilled. Incredible experiences for your kids and you get a bit of time to do something you'd like to do.
I think you're cruel to stop them. Let the kids decide. Im sure they'll want to go.

Wow I didn’t expect all these responses but appreciate all the view points. Absolutely get there is some FOMO going on on my part and I already recognised there are times I’m being selfish so the flaming is justified. I do agonise over our decisions (I’m still with Dad so he absolutely has a say) and nearly always feel guilty. We don’t say no to everything though and Some things we have managed ourselves like the trip to London it just took a year to be able to make it happen and we had to compromise on other things, the capital felt like something we wanted to experience with them first.

Definitely don’t expect them to pay for us to be involved and we’ll pay our own way or borrow the money from our parents if we have to.

Others have hit the nail on the head though about being Disney parents to our kids and I think that’s the biggest blocker to me always saying yes. I don’t doubt they love their nephew and niece, but it’s mainly about spending money and going OTT. My sister in law has never been to watch our son play in a football match for example, they bought tickets to see our daughter in a show but then just didn’t come, never gets in touch just to see how they are and has a bit of form for not being reliable when she’s offered to be involved in general day to day things if that makes sense. Christmas and birthdays are a nightmare as well with her trying to get all the best presents even though we’ve saved all year to be able to spoil our own kids as well. When we have been able to organise things and invited them, they tend to say no, even if mine and my brothers parents are coming. They also have form for not capturing those best moments so even if we can’t be there we don’t get to see it after either. I guess it just feels all too much on their terms with our kids and superficial.

I will swallow my pride and some envy though more going forward and try more to remember who is important.

My sister in law has never been to watch our son play in a football match for example, they bought tickets to see our daughter in a show but then just didn’t come, never gets in touch just to see how they are and has a bit of form for not being reliable when she’s offered to be involved in general day to day things if that makes sense. Christmas and birthdays are a nightmare as well with her trying to get all the best presents even though we’ve saved all year to be able to spoil our own kids as well.

This speak volumes.

If they don't bother seeing or even asking about the kids, they can't expect to just whisk them off whenever they feel like it.

They can’t possibly be Disney parents, as they aren’t their parents. Being an aunt or uncle means you can do just the fun stuff with them and don’t have to be there for the day to day things.

I have two young children and honestly, I think you are being really unreasonable. I get wanting “the firsts” but most of those apply to the earlier years. You are denying them AMAZING experiences because of your emotions relating to it. Life is so unpredictable you never know what’s round the corner. Let them do the amazing things, FaceTime, enjoy the pictures and have some date nights with your husband.

If the UK safari is Port Lympne please let them go it is so so good, real core memories. You can’t gate keep experiences forever, will you be stopping them do their first holiday to a country with boyfriends/ girlfriends because you’ve never done it as a family? Or a city break? You won’t realistically (well I hope not). Just let them go and have the best time, it will lead to your children resenting you long term.

I’d let my kids go and enjoy it, I’d want them to experience as much as they can.