Saying no to my children having experiences without us?

[MancLass76]

I have 2 children aged 11 and 7 and my sister in law keeps asking if they can do things with them. On one hand it’s great she wants to spend time with them (my brother will be involved as well, she’s just the organiser), they have a great relationship and I really want to encourage that but on the other hand, she puts me in a difficult position of sometimes wanting/deciding to say no and then getting grief if I do and being made to feel really selfish (which I get I am being to some degree).

They are childless through choice but also have higher incomes so often their suggestions are out of reach for us (or something we need to plan for) and they are suggesting experiences for my kids that I don’t want to not be there for. Top end think safari lodges in the UK at £1000 for one night, first trip to London and a show in the West End kind of things but then smaller trips such as first visit to a particular zoo (which has been a family fave through 2 generations of our family).

Am I being unreasonable though to deny my kids these experiences if it means it won’t ever happen.

I also get grief if I ask to be included/tag along on the cheaper things so I can see my kids enjoying the experience they have planned. They bought a virgin experience involving cars for my daughter at Christmas and I asked to go watch and they are now being awkward with the date to make it work.

I think it's quite sad that you are standing in the way of some amazing experiences that your children could be having with their wider family, independent of you.
I'd love it if my sibling showed a similar interest in my DC!

This.. exactly.

YABU.

To not allow members of your family to spend time with your children and treat them because you won't be there does seem unreasonable to me. Lots of people have called it selfish and I guess that's what it is! Though I do understand that you want these experiences with your children. I think it's a bit mean to call them Disney parents - I mean it's tough bringing up kids so I'd never berate anyone who chose not to become a parent themselves.

I suggest you put your children at the very centre of your decision making next time an invitation comes their way. When they are older they will probably, I think, resent you for not letting them go which would be sad.

Absolutely agree with this and I also experienced amazing times with my relatives when younger.

I think some posters have a very odd view of their role as a parent, almost like kids are our possessions or something 😳.

No they can spend time with my children, as a family, which includes me. They don’t get to borrow
my children from me. And especially not to spoil them. There’s enough naughty spoilt children in this world and I won’t let mine be one of them

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Children do not become spoilt from enjoying nice experiences or receiving gifts. It’s perfectly possible for a relative to do these things and the child to remain a good kid.

You should be invited too. I mean seriously, what do they want to do to your kids that you can't be there to see? Are they Geoffry Epstein?

Who is Geoffry?

I hope this is sarcastic! Aunties and Uncles do get to spoil.. thats the whole point!

This. I can't understand why you wouldn't let your children do something nice with relatives.

"Want to be Disney parents...."

Sounds like the perfect Uncle & Auntie! The point is they are not the kids parents - to use a term usually reserved for a parent who doesn't live with them and fails to pull their weight in other aspects of parenting is totally bizarre!

It can be a very good thing to spend time & build connections with other adults growing up. Its good to be broad minded, see other perspectives etc particularly if your parents are very narrow minded.

I’m aware of a current trend of some parents saying they won’t let children go on trips as they’ll miss them. I’ve personally witnessed a parent repeatedly messaging child on a trip saying mummy misses you (yes there were tears). This seems like same sort of thing parent looking at it wholly from parents point of view and parent unable to see child as a separate entity and what’s in best interests of child.

I get where you are coming from too. Money and experiences are a very strong negotiation tool. They can also be swaying in a relationship. Get the balance right. Allow your kids to go but not on multiples of occasions as your less monetary input will have less sway with your children as they grow up. You are the parent and the responsibility stops with you. Occasional events like this are great fun for kids with Aunt and uncle but relentless frequentcy could undermine your boundaries.

Let them have fun. They're only children once.

Kids should get as many good experiences as they can, it opens their eyes to what is possible, I wasted many adult years simply because I wasn’t aware of things you could do and how to do them. You are lucky your kids are getting these opportunities

I'd cry with joy if family members wanted to take out my children, spend time with them and do lovely things like this!

Maybe it might be too much if they wanted to take them out every week or whatever, but a few times a year? I'd be packing their bags and wishing them a fabulous time.

I hope you’re getting to do lots of amazing things now @MyHeartyCoralSnail!

100% this….. you’ve all made different life choices , let the kids enjoy a relationship with there aunt and uncle…..too many families don’t care a jot so enjoy the fact that your brother and SIL care enough to want to spend money on them nd you can enjoy some downtime…..win win ! Xxx

Absolutely, I’ve ensured I’m in a good financial position to do this for myself and my son - thank you 💜

I was going to say let them take them out for day trips etc… BUT why aren’t they allowing you to tag along to some of the things? Them buying your child an experience shouldn’t come with the condition that she has to do it with you… for example I bought my niece and nephew cinema tickets for Christmas …. It was a family ticket so my brother and SIL could also go… I wouldn’t dream of booking to take them myself and refusing the parents attendance if they wanted to!…

I think this is about balance. They can take the children to some events but not others… but ultimately they’re your kids and you need to set the boundaries and not be bullied into allowing more than you’re happy with…

If my siblings wanted to take my DD to something I could never afford I’d let her go though, I’d want her to experience things I couldn’t give her, and I’d ask her to take lots of pictures and enjoy her telling me about what a fabulous time she had x

Good luck

YABU

What a shame for the kids

I'd give my right arm for relatives like this, even just from a spending time with them point of view

I would love this! I’m not sure why you feel so insecure about it? You’re still the parent, you’re still the one that feels like home! Let them go and come home excited to tell you all about it. Enjoy the child free time and the money saved!

Yabu. Things like the zoo if it was that important to you surely wouldn't have waited until your child is 11?

Also you state that you cant afford some of the things they are being offered so why are you refusing to allow your kids to experience it just because you can't?

Some people saying the aunt and uncle are treating the kids like dolls when it's clear that's how some of these mum's are seeing their kids - "oh no, they're MINE. You can't play with them"

@MancLass76

When you ask your SIL to let you “tag along” on the “cheaper” outings with your DC, do you offer to pay your own way, or are you expecting SIL to pay your way on those experiences as well?

for things like the trip to the zoo, if it was that important for you to do it why haven’t you? For the really expensive stuff, I’d personally be extremely grateful I had family members who were interested enough and generous enough to offer my kids experiences like this. I can also see why they might want to spend time on their own with the kids for some of these experiences, it’s really nice they’re developing their own relationships with them. I bet they find it really frustrating that you’re always standing in the way of them doing nice things with the kids, or constantly trying to invite yourself along!