Saying no to my children having experiences without us?

[MancLass76]

I have 2 children aged 11 and 7 and my sister in law keeps asking if they can do things with them. On one hand it’s great she wants to spend time with them (my brother will be involved as well, she’s just the organiser), they have a great relationship and I really want to encourage that but on the other hand, she puts me in a difficult position of sometimes wanting/deciding to say no and then getting grief if I do and being made to feel really selfish (which I get I am being to some degree).

They are childless through choice but also have higher incomes so often their suggestions are out of reach for us (or something we need to plan for) and they are suggesting experiences for my kids that I don’t want to not be there for. Top end think safari lodges in the UK at £1000 for one night, first trip to London and a show in the West End kind of things but then smaller trips such as first visit to a particular zoo (which has been a family fave through 2 generations of our family).

Am I being unreasonable though to deny my kids these experiences if it means it won’t ever happen.

I also get grief if I ask to be included/tag along on the cheaper things so I can see my kids enjoying the experience they have planned. They bought a virgin experience involving cars for my daughter at Christmas and I asked to go watch and they are now being awkward with the date to make it work.

What an amazing gift that your DC are being given the opportunity to have some wonderful experiences. Experiences build rounded individuals; everything we encounter deepens our understanding of the world, the people therein and, crucially, ourselves. I would love for my DC to have experiences which I am not able to grant them, whether for financial or logistical reasons, so as to facilitate their growth and development into becoming something which transcends and extends outside of what I'm able to offer them. I want my DC to outgrow me, not bind them to me by curtailing their range of experiences to the narrow confines of what I am capable of providing.

There a disturbing number of people on this thread who seem to put their own needs/insecurities above their children’s.

Surely if the zoo trip was important to you, you’d have done it by now? The DCs are 7 and 9. If it’s one of those things that you keep putting off then I’d let your SIL take them.

Beautifully put x

I know the majority are disagreeing with OP but I'm honestly shocked that there are a fair number agreeing with her - parents who think it's fine to deny their kids opportunities just because they aren't invited, and who genuinely think their kids should be happy and grateful "playing in the park everyday" with their parents rather than having fun/educational/enriching experiences.

Given childfree people are usually stereotyped as being selfish it is a bit ironic!

If I trusted the family member to care for my children then I would bite their hands off for those opportunities! I would consider it selfish to not allow them.

how is that helpful or sensible?

how is that helpful or sensible?

Is no less sensible than some of the other shite on the thread.

There a disturbing number of people on this thread who seem to put their own needs/insecurities above their children’s.

They are being contrary surely, cause it's a bit scary otherwise.

Absolutely brilliant thread.

Come on all you curmudgeonly small-minded parents with devoted in-laws, post away. Please don’t let it peter out.

This is one of the odder things I've read on Mn, which is saying something.

Keep your children on gruel and playing with two sticks in the garden, @trivi -- and definitely never let them have fun with other people. That way they won't become 'naughty spoilt children'.

It's really wrong that they are excluding you. You should be invited too. I mean seriously, what do they want to do to your kids that you can't be there to see? Are they Geoffry Epstein?

Oh let them go and let their aunt and uncle enjoy their company. So long as the children are safe and happy of course. You don’t own your children. They have a place in the bigger world and will have many experiences you will not share.

I find that really odd that you want to deny them what would be some lovely trips as you won’t be there. That’s pretty selfish.

I put yanbu because they’re being awkward about you tagging along with your own children!

I reported this post, which is profoundly unpleasant in suggesting the OP's SIL and her partner are paedophiles???

I think it depends on the intentions of the inlaws which we can't know...only the Op can. As I have said, as a child I was on the receiving end of this and its not all "lovely kindness and the parent(s) is/are just jealous" I get that its maybe not a common problem and that most people offer things like this with genuinely good intent, BUT I think its not right that the OP's concerns and feelings should just be brushed aside.

Don’t be gross. There’s nothing sinister going on. They just want to treat their nephew/niece to a day out. It’s perfectly normal for aunts, uncles, grandparents, godparents to take kids on a fun outing without parents being there to supervise.

It helps children build other important family relationships, and independence.

It’s their Christmas present to the kids, not to OP.

Tagging along changes the dynamic though. It’s nice to have an uncle/aunt trip without mum always there. They don’t sound long trips just a day or overnight. It adds to expense too especially if money tight for Op - awkward to say we will treat the dc’s but can you give me £50 for show ticket.

Op tagging along changes the dynamics. The dc will defer to op, ask op, talk to op, argue among themselves etc, all the normal things dc do with parents. The treaters will get nothing out of the day when all they wanted to do was to spend time enjoying their nieces and nephews!

Leaving OP out or OP trying to butt in and enjoy the experiences because they're jealous of their children?

As someone just like your SIL who is keen and able to take nieces and nephews on holidays and experiences my DSIS wouldn’t ever be able to afford, it’s really just all about the kids and giving them opportunities their parents can’t.

DSIS loves the free time and peace and quiet for her and BIL so it’s a win win plus when they can afford time off etc they will come along too but that’s once per year max but we can holiday 3/4 times during school
holidays.

We were very fortunate and grew up always away on holidays and days out every school holiday so whilst it’s not possible for DSIS due to work commitments and cost I’m more than happy and able to do it, plus it means me and DP don’t get bored with just the two of us.

Why would you deprive them of things you cant afford, very strange.

I could understand you feeling like this if the particular suggestions are something you firmly had in mind to do as a family anyway, but to deny them experiences just because you can’t be there to see them enjoy it, seems spectacularly self-absorbed snd mean-spirited. What about trips away with school? Are you going to insist on tagging along?

Let them enjoy the fun of being treated by their uncle and aunt, especially if it won’t happen for them otherwise. Why are you being so possessive? Some of my fondest memories are of spending time with and being taken places by godparents, aunts and uncles. It didn’t mean that I loved my parents any less!

What will you do if they go on school trips you couldn't afford as a family? Tag along as a helper??

I think you are being a bit mean.