Saying no to my children having experiences without us?

[MancLass76]

I have 2 children aged 11 and 7 and my sister in law keeps asking if they can do things with them. On one hand it’s great she wants to spend time with them (my brother will be involved as well, she’s just the organiser), they have a great relationship and I really want to encourage that but on the other hand, she puts me in a difficult position of sometimes wanting/deciding to say no and then getting grief if I do and being made to feel really selfish (which I get I am being to some degree).

They are childless through choice but also have higher incomes so often their suggestions are out of reach for us (or something we need to plan for) and they are suggesting experiences for my kids that I don’t want to not be there for. Top end think safari lodges in the UK at £1000 for one night, first trip to London and a show in the West End kind of things but then smaller trips such as first visit to a particular zoo (which has been a family fave through 2 generations of our family).

Am I being unreasonable though to deny my kids these experiences if it means it won’t ever happen.

I also get grief if I ask to be included/tag along on the cheaper things so I can see my kids enjoying the experience they have planned. They bought a virgin experience involving cars for my daughter at Christmas and I asked to go watch and they are now being awkward with the date to make it work.

No I mean, if you become estranged from your children when they are older but they still.keep.in touch with aunty's and uncle.

I would be glad they weren't estranged from everyone. Surely that's the normal way of thinking...

Exactly

I know at least one of my cousins would go to our other aunt's when she'd had an argument with her mum

And my aunts have both been there when I've need to vent about my mother

Sometimes our parents cause us stress and we need someone else to go to

Agree that a middle ground is doable.

Pricey themed hotels for no good reason, no.

A day at the zoo etc, yes.

You don't need to hand over all of the 'good' events/trips to them, but you also need to be mindful that you could be stopping your kids from having experiences they'd love.

If you feel SIL is doing it on purpose/in bad faith/to Disney parent your kids, then I'd be reluctant, for sure. BUT, if you're never going to get to do those things, it may be worth letting it happen for the kids' sake.

Exactly

I know at least one of my cousins would go to our other aunt's when she'd had an argument with her mum

And my aunts have both been there when I've need to vent about my mother

Sometimes our parents cause us stress and we need someone else to go to

But again, if they become estranged from you wouldn’t you be so glad they had an uncle and aunt to keep looking out for them while you couldn’t?

Isnt your child’s best interests what’s most important, over your own need to feel like the centre of things?

There’s enough naughty spoilt children in this world and I won’t let mine be one of them

I think you have other things to worry about..,

Overnight safari stays are not the mainstay of being a good aunt and uncle

Yes like replying to numptys on mumsnet

Please don't joke about this 😆. For many of us who were wfh with toddlers during Covid, the phrase "making memories" is genuinely triggering.

Possible....but very dystopian!!!

I had a childless uncle and aunt with considerable more money than my parents and grandparents. They used to take out my brother and me and/or buy us nice things several times a year and that has gone on for all our lives until they passed. I have fond memories of the times spent together, the experiences we had, how happy I was to be taken out and treated to toys/sweets I was overwise denied. They not only had more money to take us places, but they gave us their time, their full attention. It was lovely to feel spoiled and loved so deeply.

This said, our parents were also amazing and loved us very much, in a standard parenting way! We were and are a happy family. But there was and is no comparison in roles. The uncle/aunt never 'took over', our parents remained our parents. The uncle/aunt were just enriching our lives as we did theirs, just extended family love. We stayed very close till they passed, and so were our parents.
We never ever considered choosing them over our parents only because they were buying us nice things! Honestly... if you even consider this as a possibility there are way bigger issues than this to discuss....

@UsingAMansNameInAWomensWorld my aunt was really good at helping me see things rationally.

Some posters on here could have done with auntie input!

Overnight safari stays are not the mainstay of being a good aunt and uncle

I never said it did

And some posters could have done with being taught a bit of compassion

Yes like replying to numptys on mumsnet

🤣🤣🤣

OMG so you let your kids miss out because you don’t want to miss out yourself. Yes it’s incredibly selfish.

I recently stayed at home whilst my kids went camping for a week with my partner. We take a week off all together as a family but then my partner and I take a week off separately to share the holiday childcare. I massively felt I missed out staying at home working but why should I ‘not allow’ it when then results in my kids missing out

My friend’s eldest daughter had a childfree godmother. Over the years godmother would take girl to theatre shows (shared interest) and was always interested in her life. She gifted her a significant sum as a house deposit (had saved since she was a baby for her). My friend was grateful for their relationship and blown away by the generosity.
If I take my guides away I’m in loco parentis. I enjoy seeing them happy and experiencing new things (one of reasons I volunteer). I take lots of photos and will tell parents how well they have behaved etc. It would be no different me taking a niece.

I never said you did

And some posters could have done with being taught a bit of compassion

Where is your compassion for numptys?

#numptysneedlovetoo

I better go and tell my aunt (who can no longer afford the things she used to do with us) she owes me some expensive holidays (I've always wanted to go to Disney...) and for the back payment on my university fees 🤣

No they can spend time with my children, as a family, which includes me. They don’t get to borrow

You would never let your siblings spend time with your dc without you being there? Wild!

Says the one resorting to insults 🤣🤣

And any inheritance my siblings want to throw my dcs way will gladly be accepted.

Local zoo trip YANBU. Trips and experiences you cannot give your children and take from them YABU. Not sure why you focussed negativity on SIL rather than your brother.

No I mean, if you become estranged from your children when they are older but they still.keep.in touch with aunty's and uncle.

So if you become estranged from your children you'd rather they had no contact with anyone at all?

That is bizarre.