Saying no to my children having experiences without us?

[MancLass76]

I have 2 children aged 11 and 7 and my sister in law keeps asking if they can do things with them. On one hand it’s great she wants to spend time with them (my brother will be involved as well, she’s just the organiser), they have a great relationship and I really want to encourage that but on the other hand, she puts me in a difficult position of sometimes wanting/deciding to say no and then getting grief if I do and being made to feel really selfish (which I get I am being to some degree).

They are childless through choice but also have higher incomes so often their suggestions are out of reach for us (or something we need to plan for) and they are suggesting experiences for my kids that I don’t want to not be there for. Top end think safari lodges in the UK at £1000 for one night, first trip to London and a show in the West End kind of things but then smaller trips such as first visit to a particular zoo (which has been a family fave through 2 generations of our family).

Am I being unreasonable though to deny my kids these experiences if it means it won’t ever happen.

I also get grief if I ask to be included/tag along on the cheaper things so I can see my kids enjoying the experience they have planned. They bought a virgin experience involving cars for my daughter at Christmas and I asked to go watch and they are now being awkward with the date to make it work.

Actually that's how it was with my aunt. Again it does sound not believable but it can happen.

Gosh what a jealous selfish mother

Not if they come between you and your son.

Far more likely to be issues if your child finds out later you denied them trips you could never afford just because

I cannot fathom why you'd rather your children never have an experience than have it without you.

It's not just taking them on an occassional.outing though is it.

It seems more than that, what when the expensive holidays start coming too or we can pay for you to go to university.

When does it stop.
It's not being selfish it's being savvy as to what could happen in the future, or where it might lead.

Loads of children have survived without loads of expensive trips from siblings.

I was unable to have kids.
But I have nieces and nephews who I take out and treat.
It is lovely to have this time with them. I'd hate to be told no!

It seems more than that, what when the expensive holidays start coming too or we can pay for you to go to university.

Why would either of those things be an issue?

Why would any parent grudge their child help through uni?

😂

Yes exactly, sounds like they are trying to take over.
OP asked to come along too and they weren't happy. Alarm bells.
I understand some parents would be happy with the arrangements because it would probably suit them too.
It’s got nothing to do with letting go, I’m not happy for anyone to ‘borrow my children’ to enhance their life. The brother and sister in law are unlikely to have to deal with any long term consequences of spoiling the OPs children - it’s no skin off their nose. Regarding school trips, that’s entirely different as the children are not getting undivided attention and being able to call the shots. The brother and sister in law are stepping into the Mum and Dad role whereas teachers don’t do that

Actually that's how it was with my aunt. Again it does sound not believable but it can happen.

I'm sure it does happen somewhere just like someone somewhere will have be killed by a table leg. However most people won't die in that fashion so no need to ban tables.

They want to take the kids to a safari park, not adopt them!

Am I in a minority in that I would be literally shooing the kids into the car. "Bye now, have fun don't maul the tigers, don't rush back!"

A free overnight, screen-free entertainment, educational, at someone else's expense, food and snacks presumably provided - ye gods, please send these people my way😩!

I've just paid £60 a day for holiday camp (six hours) for the first half of next week and I still have to send a packed lunch. And not a tiger in sight...

Not if they come between you and your son.

My aunt's & uncles used to treat me, same for DHs. My siblings do the same for my dc. Why would that mean coming between us? for some people it's normal to be close to family and spend time with them.

Calling the OP selfish is out of order. Have some compassion when responding on this forum

Am I in a minority in that I would be literally shooing the kids into the car. "Bye now, have fun don't maul the tigers, don't rush back!"

Absolutely not.

I'm gonna guess you're bitter you can't afford these things so you'll always so no. Despite the fact it means your own children miss out on things. I'd be grateful if someone did this for my child.

Awww don't you want to make memories with your DC every single moment of the day?!

It’s got nothing to do with letting go, I’m not happy for anyone to ‘borrow my children’ to enhance their life.

So you are happy for your family to spend time with them if it makes them miserable?

You’re making your kids miss out. They will resent you for this.

before I had DD I offered my friend to take my godchild (I was at her birth!!) to Disney - for free! As my brother had invited me to join my nephews and could have two child free places. She said no because she wanted to take them. They’re in their 20s now and still haven’t been. Silly woman, stop thinking about you and think about them.

currently can’t afford to go to Disney. If someone I trusted who loves my child offered to take her there, I’d let her go tomorrow.

@Comedycook my dc are with gps & Im relaxing at home. Maybe tmw they will forget who I am!

😀

Of course you're being unreasonable, OP. Children need as many people to love them as they can -- the more the merrier. Your SIL and her partner aren't usurping your place as mother by giving your children some treats.

Your attitude to this is quite weird. I can understand that you're jealous that someone else has more disposable income to treat your children to things you can't afford, but that's for you to deal with internally, not for you to use as a reason to restrict your children's fun, or their relationship with their aunt.

Your attitude reminds me of the advice when people have just had a child placed with them for adoption and are advised to do all the 'parental' things with them, and to ask family and friends, when introduced, not to do things they might naturally do with a family member's birth child -- picking up and comforting after a fall, feeding, nappy changing, hugging etc. Because the idea is to make sure the adoptive child, who has often had several sets of carers already, isn't confused about who their forever mum and/or dad is.

But there's no reason at all to behave like this with your own birth children. They know who their mother is. Let them have fun with extended family.

No I mean, if you become estranged from your children when they are older but they still.keep.in touch with aunty's and uncle.
These things can happen even if it's not something your thinking about now.
Your choice op, do what you want.
I do think there's another way to look at it though.
That's the idea of posting on here to get different viewpoints.

You need to be less selfish, be happy your children are having wonderful experiences with a relative that loves them.

Isn’t this the point of being an aunty and uncle ? What an odd comment

The brother and sister in law are stepping into the Mum and Dad role whereas teachers don’t do that

This doesn't make any sense. Being a parent has nothing to do with overnight safari stays.

No they can spend time with my children, as a family, which includes me. They don’t get to borrow
my children from me. And especially not to spoil them. There’s enough naughty spoilt children in this world and I won’t let mine be one of them