Saying no to my children having experiences without us?

[MancLass76]

I have 2 children aged 11 and 7 and my sister in law keeps asking if they can do things with them. On one hand it’s great she wants to spend time with them (my brother will be involved as well, she’s just the organiser), they have a great relationship and I really want to encourage that but on the other hand, she puts me in a difficult position of sometimes wanting/deciding to say no and then getting grief if I do and being made to feel really selfish (which I get I am being to some degree).

They are childless through choice but also have higher incomes so often their suggestions are out of reach for us (or something we need to plan for) and they are suggesting experiences for my kids that I don’t want to not be there for. Top end think safari lodges in the UK at £1000 for one night, first trip to London and a show in the West End kind of things but then smaller trips such as first visit to a particular zoo (which has been a family fave through 2 generations of our family).

Am I being unreasonable though to deny my kids these experiences if it means it won’t ever happen.

I also get grief if I ask to be included/tag along on the cheaper things so I can see my kids enjoying the experience they have planned. They bought a virgin experience involving cars for my daughter at Christmas and I asked to go watch and they are now being awkward with the date to make it work.

Extended family are there to spoil kids. How lovely that they want to do this. How awful for you to think you shouldn’t let them go.

If zoo is a family tradition and important you’d have done it by now, 11 is old for a first trip to zoo.
First trip to London/show I really couldn’t get sentimental over. Surely it’s better they get to go. My dc saw her first London show with school. I took a group of girlguides age 10/11 and most hadn’t been to London or a show, the parents were happy for them to have experience, comments about how lucky they were.
The devil is in the details. If it’s literally an experience Christmas present and then an overnight stay and a trip to London for a show a year then it sounds lovely for the children. If they are constantly asking to take them every week then that’s different but it doesn’t seem like that.

My parents took our onset two sons to Disneyworld in Florida. I was hesitant because I was worried about them being so far away at 5 & 8 years old, as well as sad that we weren’t taking them - but I also knew we didn’t have the money to ever take them so it would have been selfish to have said no.

They also took them for their first trip to London and have done loads of days out to places we’ve never taken them.

on the flip side, my in laws took our eldest to the local garden centre to see Santa when we had told them we were going there the next day - it was his first Xmas. They had a habit of taking him to places but not letting us know where they were going, or asking if it was ok. At least my parents asked and would have respected a “no”.

So the question is, are your relatives doing it to be like my parents or more like my IL’s where it was very clearly a control thing? If it’s out of kindness, let them treat your kids. If it’s about one-upping you, maybe consider withdrawing from them in general.

Why should children miss out on amazing opportunities - travel as an example is a huge benefit when a family member can provide them.
My parents luckily could provide my sister and I with numerous opportunities but a close friend of the family also took us on trips close to home and long haul. He also paid for me to have a dream wedding. All gratefully received my my parents and I

And adults need to learn how to let go and put their children and their life experiences above their own petty jealousy.

If I couldn't afford experiences I'd let my kids go and ask for pics/videos. Tbh it's selfish to prevent them when you acknowledge you can't afford to take them - what good is having a family favourite zoo it's not going to be their favourite if they have never been by age 7 and 11

I'd be wary, sounds like they are trying to take over.

Next it will be expensive holidays, schools, whatever. You'll be seen as the boring parent.
If you fall out with your children they will go to their aunt and uncle.

They are your children don't feel pressurized.

To put it another way:
Do you ask that school not take them to the zoo or to a play because you wanted to take them?

What would your children say?

What will they think when they look back on it in 10 years?

Your role as their Mum is not undermined by generous uncles and aunties if it is a good relationship in the first place and you don't need to feel insecure because they can afford things you can't.

The kids probably don't understand all the relative costs anyway.

I did loads with my grandparents and uncle and aunt that my parents weren't there for. It's good for kids to have experiences without their parents.

My uncle had me crewing his sailing dinghy in races by the time I was 9, my parents never went near the river. It made me confident, independent, and feel like part of a big 'village' type family.

In turn I took my nephew camping, his first camping trip, before I had kids - we had a ball.

Politely turn down outings that you are planning and can afford (like the Zoo) and be very happy that they are getting the other experiences.

I can understand the feelings, but they're an 'us' problem.

I would feel really sad that I can't provide those kinds of things for my children, and also sad that I wouldn't get to experience their wonder/joy/whatever.

But also very grateful someone else could.

And mindful that I can create a wonderful childhood for my kids without spending money on experiences, and focus on facilitating those.

So my kids grow up full of happy memories facilitated by all the people that love them.

I'd be wary, sounds like they are trying to take over.

Next it will be expensive holidays, schools, whatever. You'll be seen as the boring parent.If you fall out with your children they will go to their aunt and uncle.

So because they want to treat nieces & nephews to a theatre trip you think they will be coughing up 60k a yr for school fees?! 😆

My sister bought DC1 a driving experience, I didn't think anything of it.

Surely we all want our kids to have safe adults they go to if they fall out with us?

I would far rather my son went to my brother or sister's house, than just disappear.

Can’t believe people’s harsh response to the OP. Quite ludicrous that she should be GRATEFUL to her brother and SIL. They are stepping on OPs toes, diminishing her presence and role of Mum. It’s just not right and I can’t understand the entitlement of thinking it’s alright. The next thing they will be buying the big star Christmas presents too. It’s tone deaf. They are absolutely out of order for making these arrangements which exclude the mother of the children. There will always be experiences which are financially out of reach… and that’s ok. Children need to experience the mundane things with parents and family members too

How can this be someone's takeaway from the OP, baffling

@Bloozie yes but that's wrong because that would be undermining your role as a mum or something. Crazy!

Just putting it out there that if any of my friends or relatives are reading this and would like to pay for my child to attend a private school, I am absolutely OK with that and won't be offended at all.

@MrsSunshine2b
I have already told siblings (childfree by choice) feel free to start a trust fund. Strangely enough it's empty 😆

It would be fine for you to say no to the zoo I’d you were going to take them soon. If you are never doing these things with your kids then you are simply denying them for your own purpose. Not nice

Quite! I am also find with them taking my child for a weekend trip to watch giraffes so I can drink wine and stare mindlessly into space in peace.

Let your kids enjoy time with their family - just because you can’t enjoy it with them doesn’t meant to say they should miss out. This is skewed, and slightly sour/jealous thinking in my opinion… Makes me think there is a bigger story here of comparing finances/freedom of their life compared to yours. If this is the case then squash it now before it eats you up!! Comparison is the thief of joy - and in this case it’s your children’s.

Sorry to be blunt…. but you need to prioritise the opportunity to enrich your children’s lives, not your own feelings. Count yourself lucky that you have relatives who wish to be so involved and generous.

This is insane. Taking nieces and nephews on an outing is not trying to “take over”. It’s being loving family which is generally considered a desirable thing.

And if you do fall out with your children don’t you WANT them to have family to go to?? How self-centred would you have to be to rather they had no-one to go to in that situation, just so you can feel like THE ONLY ONE.

And remember, parents can and do die. It is hugely important to make sure your children have other loving adults in their lives in case something ever happens to you.

this

Not if they come between you and your son.

Next it will be expensive holidays, schools, whatever. You'll be seen as the boring parent.

I'll have to speak to my SIL - she's taken my kids on expensive holidays yet she's never yet stumped up for private schools...

Clearly she's a selfish fucker and is only interested on spending money when she'd actually get to spend time with her nieces and nephews doing nice things together... outrageous behaviour

Very sobering but true. I have a relative whose parents died in a car crash and were brought up by Auntie and Uncle.